Nothing offencive-7,700 words. This story made it to the semifinals in WOTF and this rewrite is based on the critique I got back from them. It should be an easy read. I need a couple of readers to give general comments, so I can be sure the changes I made work. Forgot: it's historic fantasy.
The Braiding
Iseau had no memory of the years before her parents attempted the braiding. She remembered only the results of their failure: her father, once a master glassblower, now blinded and struggling to create the simplest of pieces; her mother wandering through the thickets of their island, more a child than Iseau had ever had a chance to be. The last memory she had of them was burned into her. She was ten, standing in the doorway of the glassworks: an apprentice brushing by her on his way out to get wood for the furnace, her mother babbling as she played with a string of beads, and her father taking a pouch from his apron, opening it, and then sprinkling a black powder into the crucible--into the fierce heat of the molten glass.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited April 22, 2006).]
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I remember the original opener, and this seems much improved. The questions I had on the first opener are answered here. I'll read if you like: buce@charter.net
Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :
If you don't mind a newbie's look, I'll give it a go too. My younger sister worked in glass some years ago, and this has me intrigued.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
I'll send it to the both of you. Thanks Elan, I'm hoping this works better. Mommiller, actually I would love to have a newbie read it, your fresh eyes and thoughts are valuable to me.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
I'll give it a read if you're still looking...
Sounds interesting
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
I'll send it to you, thanks.
Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :
I'll give it a read.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I remember this as having a lot of unrealized potential...and a couple of dead ends in the plot. If you're willing to suffer another critique, I'll give it a shot.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
I'm game. I'll send it to both of you and prepare to duck. That will, however give me more than enough readers for this round.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited April 23, 2006).]
Posted by TruHero (Member # 1766) on :
Aw, Shucks! Too Late.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
Do you think I want a gang of men on Harleys to come hunting me? Of course I'll send it to you.
Posted by Loremaster (Member # 3376) on :
GOLD STARS:
The prose is very smooth and polished, the imagery is fantastic, and the story gives you a lot to think about right upfront--a disaster with two people drastically affected. The kicker is, I don't know how, and I want to. Heck, I'd keep reading at this point just to find out what was involved in the braiding. Feels like you could have something publishable.
THINGS TO WORK ON:
The story says that Iseau had no memory of her parents before this accident, and then in the next paragraph, it talks about her last memory of them. Wouldn't it also be her first? Other than that, everything was pretty shiny.
I'd like to read this myself, if it's not too much trouble.
[This message has been edited by Loremaster (edited April 24, 2006).]
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
Thank you Loremaster. I actually have already recieved back comments on this which have gotten me excited about trying another approach to solving a problem I have with this story. Would you be willing to wait and read the next rewrite in a couple of weeks?
Posted by Loremaster (Member # 3376) on :
I'd love it. Thank you.
Posted by TruHero (Member # 1766) on :
Hey, just so you know, I recently changed my e-mail. It is now: truhero@oasisbb.net Which reminds me that I need to notify Kathleen!
If you sent it and it came back, you can send it again or just include me in the next round. Whatever works best for you.
Thanks, -BA-
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
Great I did try to email you and I'll try it again.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
If you need more people to read the rewrite when you've finished it, let me know. I'm always happy to read for you.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
I'm am glad you didn't read this version. I have gotten back some very helpful advice--thanks guys, I really mean that. And I will need fresh eyes when I'm done rewriting. I'll email you when it is ready for a new round. Most likely that will be in a couple of weeks--if that's ok with you.
Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :
Yep, I'll be free to read for you in a couple weeks, or whenever. You can just email it to me when you're done with the rewrite.