Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Time.....

This is topic Time..... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Hygge (Member # 3313) on :

I've just begun a story and here's the opening. I'd be interesting in what everyone thinks. I've enjoyed the process so far and I'm learning a lot just from reading the replys. Thanks for your time.

A small crack-a parting in both the cumulus clouds and the hotel curtains allowed a ray of early morning sun to shoot like a spear into Amaryllis Black's sleep deprived eye. The intense light lasted but a moment as the huge cotton ball clouds converged, leaving the earth below to wallow in shadow as if the clouds themselves jealously chose to deny all sunlight to everyone but their own kind. The eye now temporarily blinded by the intense light slowly focused on its surroundings. “Oh, the hotel,” a soft groan escaped the barely parted lips. A shift, a change, a re-arranging of the position on the bed and Amaryllis's gaze rested upon the small clock radio atop the bedside table.
“What?” The question hung in the cool sterile air as she stared blankly at the alarm clock. “No! Not today!”

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

I think the story begins to start with the first dialogue. Before that we're getting a lesson in meteorology - this information is superfluous. Be aware that someone waking to an alarm clock or as in this case looking at the clock, borders on, if not actually is, an opening cliche.

The last line "No! Not today!" comes too quick. I wonder if maybe she has to work today, has a dental appt. or something like that. There should be more about, or at least some hints, of what she is going to face before he makes this statement.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 20, 2006).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

I agree with nitewriter. I felt the story picking up for me when Amaryllis first opens her eyes and notices the hotel room. It made me wonder if even she knew why she was there.

Is this a short story or something longer?

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

Actually, I will respectfully disagree with the previous two commenters. While this intro isn't perfect, the descriptive setup isn't too long or cumbersome and it establishes conflict. (The sleep deprived comment, while not specific, promises that something interesting is happening.)

I didn't think this intro was perfect, though. I found the writing to be a bit -- off. It almost seemed like you were reaching too hard rather than letting the words flow....let me go line-by-line to try to show you:

"A small crack-a parting in both the cumulus clouds and the hotel curtains allowed a ray of early morning sun to shoot like a spear into Amaryllis Black's sleep deprived eye."

The first three words were rough on the eyes and I had to reread this sentence twice entirely because of them. Furthermore, I don't think they are at all necessary. I also didn't think "cumulus" was necessary -- it's more detail than we need. Finally, I would rearrange this sentence so that the interesting bits -- sun shooting like a spear and Amaryllis' sleep-deprived eyes, are at the front.

" The intense light lasted but a moment as the huge cotton ball clouds converged, leaving the earth below to wallow in shadow as if the clouds themselves jealously chose to deny all sunlight to everyone but their own kind."

I don't like the "but"...how about only? I also don't like the "huge" or the "cotton ball" they don't, IMHO add anything that we couldn't gleam from the rest of he details. And while I like the sentiment about the clouds hogging the sunlight...I would suggest trying to rephrase it in as few words as possible. If you say they kept the light for their own kind instead of saying they denied it to everyone but their own kind if might help.

" The eye now temporarily blinded by the intense light slowly focused on its surroundings. "

This needs a comma after "eye" and after "light"...otherwise it's fine.

"“Oh, the hotel,” a soft groan escaped the barely parted lips."

Good

" A shift, a change, a re-arranging of the position on the bed and Amaryllis's gaze rested upon the small clock radio atop the bedside table."

Fine.

"“What?” The question hung in the cool sterile air as she stared blankly at the alarm clock. “No! Not today!”"

Hook

Posted by Shendülféa (Member # 2964) on :

I agree with Christine that the description at the beginning was good although not perfect. It was very poetic in a way and I almost felt like I was reading a poem, not prose. However, with the fixes that Christine suggested, I think it will be much improved. I also agree with the others that the hook comes with your dialogue: "What?" The question hung in the cool sterile air...

Posted by TruHero (Member # 1766) on :

I had a bit of trouble with the opening sentance, and the wordy descriptions up front, but all in all I think it was OK. The only other thing I saw as troublesome was the fact that you only mentioned one eye. Does Amaryllis have only one? Could have, because of the genre. Then you mention "the eye", not her eyes which IMO would be more appropriate.

This could be a hook, but I am not fond of stories that begin with the MC just waking up. If this were in the middle of a story, it might work better for me.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

If you're going to rely that heavily on the voice of the narrator...we need a bit more time to get comfortable with the eccentricity of the locution before you start telling us things we need to remember.

As it is, we're trying to adjust to the odd modes of expression at the same time as we're getting information we don't already know.

Look at the first page of HG2G. It is all explaining things that hardly any member of the English speaking audience could possibly not know. But we're not getting information about the story, we're getting used to the off-beat perspective from which the story will be narrated.

Alternatively, you could scrub the weird narrative voice, but I don't have any reason to think you should.

Posted by wyrd1 (Member # 3366) on :

Um, first sentence needs work. The MC would not know there are cotton ball clouds outside but it is a lovely bit of narration.
I'm hooked.

Posted by spcpthook (Member # 3246) on :

I dunno two things struck me. First: I was thinking that I'd prefer description to the scientific naming of clouds ie. Cumulus-- second: the eye thing bothered me.every time her eye was mentioned it was singular. Unless this chick only has one eye this reads awkward for me.