Dorn decided he really needed to invest in a Walkman or an iPod.

It was the chewing that drove him mad. The screams were disturbing; very hard to keep them out of out of his head, but they always stopped. Eventually. But the open-mouthed chewing and slurping, the breaking and sucking of bones went on and on. Now and then it made him a little crazy. Then he’d fling open the windows and scream at the pale figures hunched in the shadows below. He’d throw crockery, books or ink-pots down at them; tell them he was trying to work, for shit sake, and to bugger off. Their round, luminous eyes turned upwards to look at him. Then, dismissing him as neither food nor a threat, they’d go back to their incessant feeding.

“You just can’t bloody go home again,” he growled as he searched the wardrobe for something he could cut up into ear plugs.

And the line
Then, dismissing him as neither food nor a threat, they’d go back to their incessant feeding.
____________
maybe

Dismissing him as neither food nor threat, they'd go back to their incessant feeding.
________

The 'then's popped out at me.

I am curious though.

 

First, the first paragraph was a single sentence, which can work if it's a good enough sentence, but why should I care that some guy wants a walkman or an ipod? I would expect something more from a sentence set apart in its own paragraph.

Second, I didn't connect until just a second ago that the reason he wanted a walkman was to block out noises. I don't know why, but somehow it just didn't come together in my mind when you started going on about random environmental noises in the next paragraph.

Third, I just figured out that something outside is eating something, but I'm not sure if its an animal that is eating or being eaten and I'm just confused.

On a positive note, now that I've read it through a second time and am piecing together more of what you mean, i think that, if anything like I'm imagining is going on, this guy's attitude is quite fascinating. But I don't think it would hurt his attitude to put a little bit more concise description in there. In fact, it might even help if he thinks nonchalantly of humans being eaten or of humans (zombies, vampires,...?) eating other things. Putting the actual words, whatever they are, into this paragraph, IMHO, adds to the creepiness of the character and adds more intrigue while alleviating confusion.

My two cents.

The first line puts us in the present day, but the idea of throwing crockery and ink pots out the window seems to indicate a setting in the past.

A little too much British colloquialism jammed in at the end - shit sake, bugger, bloody (not sure what the last sentence means out of context)

The first sentence might work better at the end. There is enough mystery here that I would read further though.

 

As for the rest, it's bizarre enough to hook me. I sure hope what follows explains enough to keep me from putting it down. Yeah, the intro could be tightened up (see earlier comment about repetitive 'thens'), but it looks like it might be a fun story to read.

Good job on making it clear the MC is British/English/UK-ish by use of vulgar slang.
 

I like this but if the pale figures are cats or something, I'm coming to your house to slap you with a glove.

(Just kidding!)

Just please don't let this be one of those *twist* things.
 

You might want to reassess the placement of that line. Specifically, put that line at the end of the second paragraph. Make it a summation instead of an opener. You start with a "normal line", segue into weirdness, back to normal.

Since we start out normal (ie, our natural state) and read a normal line (Walkman), you take us nowhere. The true impact of the first line is lost. Dorn is doing a normal thing. We do not realize how surreal his desires are until AFTER the second paragraph.

If we are shown this bizarre scene of chewing, pale things- and realize his "solution" is to buy a Walkman... now we are in a position to appreciate just how strange Dorn's reaction is.
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The second paragraph is confusing. My best guess is that it was "written for effect". It wasn't until you mentioned "pale figures" that I had any idea what was going on. I think your intent was for us to be thinking "what is all this chewing and sucking business then?" I did, but not so much in a good way.

I cannot be 100% sure, but I am reasonably certain- you could take what you have. Write it in the most sequential, normal, and understandable manner- and you would still have a humdinger. I am not sure if you need to try and be suspenseful or cagey.

Let me put it this way- I read it four times. I copied and pasted it around to make sure I "understood" what was going on. Nothing seemed to be lost- this is still a very interesting opening. You got weirdness, conflict, a pretty well developed character for only 13 lines. This is not a monster that need be cloaked in a shadow of prose.
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How many words is it? What is the genre?
 

Ever since the evil robot monkeys from outer space landed, Joe Bob stayed hidden in his apartment.

Time, place, situation, and we know who "they" are.
 

Okay, so the first line...I like that you set it apart, as though it defines not just the next paragraph but the next several paragraphs, as the ultimate solution to the problem that you'll be detailing. I hate that you mentioned an iPod, but that's just because I'm not big on Apple generally.

Then you get into why he wants some headphones, and at first I'm thinking that he's got some kind of schizophrenia. As the description continues, I find that while he may or may not be delusional in the ordinary sense, he's certainly worried about the wrong things here.

I'm fascinated. In a morbid way, to be sure, but still hooked. You skirt an interesting edge here, the line between a situation, albeit a mental/moral one, and a condition. But this opening drips with potential.

Horrible, sibilant, incessant dripping, but full of potential.
 

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited April 08, 2006).]
 

I would hope to get more description about who/what is doing all the disgusting feeding beyond the windows.

The "can't go home alone" line feels stilted and cliched to me at this point. Maybe it would work better for me later on, when I have a better sense of place and situation.

It seems that Dorn's world isn't completely overrun by these things, unless his contemplation of buying an iPod is purely sarcastic.

Personally, I would probably start with "It was the chewing that drove him mad." Unless the music player reference is more than just an ironic or sarcastic statement, for me it detracts from what is otherwise a pretty effective opening paragraph.

When is this set? "Walkman" and "iPod" make me think of the modern world, but "crockery" and "ink-pots" felt more archaic.

Overall, I think you have a very interesting opening. I definitely want to read more.

KMB
 

"for shit sake, and to bugger off" & “You just can’t bloody go home again,”

These "britishisms" don't quite ring true. In the first phrase, as a foul-mouthed brit I'd probably use "for ****'s sake..." or more likely "for christ's sake", the latter usually when expressing frustration. For shit's sake leaps out of the page as an unnatural construction or worse, bowdlerism.

The second phrase has a funny rythm that just doesn't sound right, and I would leave the "bloody" out of it. Less is more in this case I feel.

Other than that, I for one want to know more!
 

Sorry!
 

Anyway, American's also say "bloody". Many of them are quite a bit more likely to say that than to drop the F-bomb. And though I enjoyed Sean of the Dead, I would probably balk at that many uses of the F-word in print.
 

I am curious about the setting, but the conflict of "Walkman or iPod" with zombie flesh-eaters (plus the deft writing) is more than enough for me to read on and find out what's happening (I am afraid I really can't agree with wbriggs, here - the last thing I want is an initial explanation of how and why there are zombies (or whatever) outside Dorn's window, I want to be drawn in to the story first and allow the setting to coalesce naturally).

The one jarring note for me is that, although it's strongly implied that the creatures are eating humans, they don't see Dorn as "food" - if there's something that makes Dorn different (i.e. he's a robot or something) then we need to know that immediately.

I'd definitely read on.