I've got a short that isn't sitting well with me. I was hoping to get a little perspective from a few readers. If you have time, I'd appreciate it. Also, if you just want to comment on this opening, I'd appreciate that, too.

The Mark

There was a mark on the kitchen wall. It appeared after the rain storm.

Tammy suspected water had leaked in through the attic (the Georgian house was so old), but couldn't explain its growth over the following days. The sun was out. The world was drying up.

It was a black mark, inky, and it grew first to the size of a fist, then a volleyball, then its circumference distorted and bent, changing into a misshapen slug of a smear.

It made Tammy feel unclean and she washed her hands, scrubbing them beneath scalding water.

 

And the "its growth" appears to refer to the Georgian house, or the attic, but not the mark.

You seem to present information in a disjointed way, too, in the second paragraph: you start with the unexplained growth, but then you move to the weather (and I took some time understanding what was the connection, because for me the outside weather should not have affected the inside of a kitchen). And then you move back to the mysterious growth. I'd suggest explaining the growth, and then tell Tammy has no explanation for it. As it is, it feels slightly unbalanced.

Also, Susannaj4 has a point: it does feel slightly remote. I don't get a very good sense of Tammy as a person other than "the character who watches the mark grow". But I'd give you a few more paragraphs to sort that out, though.

Sorry if I'm being too obsessive.
 

I don't have a problem with anything so far. I know Tammy's role: homeowner. I know how she feels about the stain. I'm very firmly grounded. I suppose I could be a little more gripped.

Nits:

A "Georgian" house might be one built during the reign of King George, or it might be one in Georgia. If you mean Georgia, I suggest "Georgia" instead of "Georgian." If you mean Georgian era, you might say "Georgian-era" or something.

Misshapen slug of a smear: I don't follow. Maybe you mean a smear looking like a misshapen slug?

I don't know why Tammy needed to wash her hands, because you didn't tell us she touched anything!

 

quote:

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but then you move to the weather (and I took some time understanding what was the connection, because for me the outside weather should not have affected the inside of a kitchen).

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In a book store, I'd only continue if I thought the story was NOT going to be on slugs (Not because it's bad, I just like "high" horror, not "low" horror).
 

All of the Georgian houses I know of though, are two stories. For me, it would seem unlikely that an attic leak would make a stain through two floors and appear on the wall instead of the ceiling.

Aside from this small nit, it does sound like an interesting story though as I do get a creepy sort of feel from it and a bit of sympathy for Tammy who thinks she has to wash her hands because the mark makes her feel unclean.

Aside from that, you might notice that save for the first and third sentences, all other sentences in this intro start with "it" or "the." Some readers may overlook this, but I always key on repetition, and then I get pulled out of a story and begin thinking about the author's writing habits. Probably not ideal. Nevertheless, many a published author has repetitive quirks and no-one seems to complain (except for me). Just an FYI thing.

Is there another way to develop the second-to-last sentence? I wonder if slowing down a little by making it two or three sentences might give the description more impact, perhaps even weaving in Tammy's reaction at each stage (though I will concede that isn't truly necessary). The stain and its growth are clearly important, so I feel there wouldn't be any harm in taking a little more time to describe its evolution. As is, I had a little trouble with that sentence; it felt to me as if it were a bit crammed and cluttered, trying to do too much at once. I would prefer a sense of time to be developed here... hours, days?

On hook value, I think there is one with the stain growing and making Tammy feel unclean. It's got me curious if some many-tentacled beast is going to leap out and attack your heroine, and if Tammy has some form of OCD.

Good luck.

I did not like the choppy sentences. I liked the first two- not so much the rest.

Para 2 mentions growth. Para 3 describes growth. Could this be put in a more natural order?

This intro gives the feel that The Mark is the main character. Tammy just kind of glides in at the last sentence to wash her hands. I am not a huge horror buff, but typically fear seems to be much easier to develop if the reader is tight with the MC. We fear "for" them.

Right at this moment- I am just sort of watching a spot on the wall. This has all the benefits and excitement you would expect from watching a spot on the wall.

Now, Tammy's reaction to the spot on the wall? That might liven it up for me.
 

Chrissie