[This message has been edited by robinlindh (edited March 29, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 01, 2006).]
This doesn't grab me. It's a kid who isn't good at sports. I was a kid who wasn't good at sports. There are millions of us out there, and I don't see anything yet to make me think this one's going to be more interesting than any of the others. Your characterisation and scene-setting are utterly plausible, but just... well, to me, not inteeresting.
Starting with an unattributed line of dialogue is often regarded as a no-no. It gives us no context and no idea whose POV we're in. We're actually in Spree's, here, but we don't know that, really, until we get to Spree's own thoughts.
Oh, and I figured Jody as a male name at first, so when it turned out that she was a girl, that threw me out of the narration a little. Best to avoid that sort of thing by using a less ambiguous name.
I didn't have a problem that the girl wasn't good at sports. I was never into sports, but that hasn't stopped me from enjoying other stories with sports in them. If a character cares about sports and I care about the characters, then sports are gonna matter to me while I'm reading the story.
I'm not hooked because of the dialogue. There's too much of it at once, and I don't know what's going on. Is this the beginning of the game, the end of it, somewhere in the middle? What age are these girls? How far into the season are they? How does this team get along? You need to set the stage first and make me care about what's going on before you dump all this dialogue in. As it is, you haven't given me any reason to care.
Also give us more tags and names, as in
"Freak!” Jody said. Spree disgusted her. The team was always losing because the girl couldn't bat even an easy ball. [POV; speaker; who the freak is; her sex; and what the sport is -- all right here.]
I could be interested in this. I already dislike Jody (so maybe she shouldn't be POV). I have some respect for coach. I don't see this as about Spree's difficulty with sports, but as a conflict between the in girl and the outcast -- which does interest me.