This is my first attempt at a short story, or any writing in general, since I was 13. Please forgive my grammar and/or mechanics.
Prologue
It was time. He could hear the wailing of the sirens grow louder and louder as they neared his modest apartment. He had no notion of escape; simply sitting on his neat bed in his neat clothes, awaiting the harbingers of Perfection.
He had left the front door unlocked, but they blasted their way in anyway. As they came into his sleeping quarters, he could see the revulsion in their eyes.
"Marcus 12501. By the edict of the Council of Perfection, you are to come with us to stand trial for being imperfect," the lead harbinger stated. "You are to be appointed no protector, for your crimes are transparent. If you do not come willingly, we are authorized to use deadly force."
Marcus followed their directions precisely, yet they beat him
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 25, 2006).]
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
I feel like I'm missing something. Why is he imperfect?
Why is he reigned to this fate?
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
quote:It was time.
Time for what?
I think that the main problem with this is that the MC know's waaay too much that he's not telling us.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What pixydis said.
Suggestion:
Imagine yourself being asked, "What's the story about? What's happening here?"
Write it down.
Put it directly in the story, as the first paragraph.
OSC: you can tell the reader exactly what's happening in the story, in paragraph 1, and it won't spoil it; they'll *want* to read, to find out how it happens.
Something I got more recently: if the reader's curious, tell him. Even if it's irrelevant to the plot. (Readers won't be curious about everything.)
Posted by Mig (Member # 3318) on :
On the plus side, your set-up concept is intriguing.
But I think the word choice needs a little work. First, I think you should try deleting all the “ly” adverbs. And trim back on some of the other modifiers, as well, e.g., “simply” in “simply sitting.” Use active voice, e.g., try “they blasted through the unlocked door” instead of “he had left the front door unlocked…” I think you also need to have a clearer POV.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Length, genre (I'm guessing SF), and desired feedback.
You start with two significant unreferenced pronouns. The first wouldn't usually be a problem, because standard usage allows us to wait for more details on what time it was. But you never provide them. The second, "he" is so common and so inexplicable that I'm always minded of the condition described in The Standard Deviations in Writing, which is both the logical extension of this habit and the only possible reason for doing it at all.
Putting those minor irritants aside, your main character is far too passive to be interesting. Because he's utterly uninteresting, my initial response to his predicament is both "who cares" and "yeah right". The story concept has been made to work before, but
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
#$%^, now I'm imperfect. Anyway, you need to create a meaningful definition of "perfect" before it's meaningful to point out that it's a problem. You start by defining "perfect" to include beating up an outnumbered, helpless, and unresisting person for no particular reason. Even before we get into the story, the concept you want to explore has been rendered meaningless.
These are all in the nature of simple novice mistakes. All of them are easy enough to fix.
Posted by AndrewStein (Member # 3310) on :
Yeah. You could completely omit the very first sentence and the paragraph would read better. I think it works best if you just straight out tell us the character's name instead of using a mysterious "He" at the begining. Establishing deep POV includes referring to the charcter the way he would refer to himself. I don't think many people think of themselves as "He". And like everybody said before: just tell us exactly what's going on.
It's an interesting concept, though.
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
You're prologue works as an intro to the story. You should have added other details like length of story, but you are new I'm sorry but I have no idea if you are breaking any grammer rules, but I think you should have described the apartment as 'the apartment' when you wrote 'sleeping quarters'... Nothing to stop you putting the first 13 of the actual story in here now, or asking for someone to read the whole story - you'll get offers. State the length of the story if you do! Best Wishes John Mc...
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
An interesting idea, but I would really like to be immersed in the mores and social structure of this society. What is perfection? Why? Then I would like to see the MC, why and how he goes against the grain. Get into his head, show us an incident up front where he goes against "perfection" gets away with it - and takes delight in doing so. Then, EVENTUALLY, it comes to a showdown with those wishing to do away with him. Compelling idea!
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited March 25, 2006).]
Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
Okay. First off, I think this plot has potential. Is he supposed to be Perfect, but has become imperfect? I'm getting the sense that either this is a Perfect world, but he is imperfect, or there are few that are Perfect, and that he was a lab experiment or something, and something went wrong or something to the degree. Please, like said before, give a little away in the beginning, and we will gradually find out the rest. Good luck! (It sounds good! Please post more!)
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
quote:(It sounds good! Please post more!)
Please do not post more. The rule is only the first 13 lines in manuscript format (12-point courier font).
If you would like to see more of Mr.Confused's story, Choccido, please ask him to email it to you.
And please go to the area entitled "Please Read Here First" here at Hatrack and read the topics there.
Posted by Storygiver (Member # 2676) on :
I like it.
Posted by Mr.Confused (Member # 3317) on :
Thank you for the feedback everybody. Looks like I have a long way to go. I just wanted to see what level I was at and the things I need to work on.
I'm going to write a different short story this week, and then another as soon as I get some of the books that people suggested to others.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
It sounds like you are writing a story along the lines of "1984." It's a great idea. You may also want to ask if you started in the right spot. Some of the comments you have received might be resolved if you started the story before the "Perfection Police" arrived that way we care about the MC when they arrive.
Let me know when you have a draft, I'd be willing to read.
