"The Unfortunate Death of Mr. Weather"

One day I received a message at my studio that the Black Widow wished me to pay her a visit. It is very rare for the Widow to wish a visit from anybody, and the news very nearly gave me a heart attack, for what could be worse than such an invitation? It is like receiving a call from death. And yet, if I refused, I knew she would be offended and might come to seek me out.

In the end, I had little choice but to go to her, and hope she wouldn’t do something so impolite as eat a visitor who had answered to her summons. I was careful to crawl to her web, because I knew too well what hatred she bore towards those who fly, and I kept my wings well behind me as I stepped up to her door and rang the bell.

Her web, I noticed, was as wild and disheveled as ever.

[This message has been edited by Ico (edited March 19, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Ico (edited March 19, 2006).]
 

Or, scrap the first paragraph and begin with the narrator at the Widow's door. As it is, there's too much telling me that going to the Widow is horrible, when I already understood that he was invited and he's dreading it.

One other nit: isn't the narrator wondering why she's asked him over? Surely he must know somewhat about what she wants, and hence, I should know it too. Or, if he doesn't, is it her personality he's afraid of, what he's heard about her? What is she like that makes him terrified?

This nit is minor, but what species is the narrator? I'm a little confused on that one.
 

"It is like receiving a call from death." Personally, If i was reading the actual book, this would be the point i threw it in the garbage. It doesnt really work. your telling again, not showing.And your not even really using good descriptive words!

"as I stepped up to her door and rang the bell." Im confused. You said earlier you were crawling up her web. Now your ringing her doorbell?

Now this is only my opinion, and some say i critique harder than most. I do think your story has potential, and i think that it could go places. I wouldnt mind reading it all.
email it to me:
animalfannicole@yahoo.ca

"One day I received a message at my studio that the Black Widow wished me to pay her a visit."

As others have said, "One day" isn't all that interesting. However, I think you can still keep it if you spice it up a little. Maybe "One day in Vegas" (only I assume this does not take place in Vegas) or "One ragamuffin day" (only use something more appropriate) or anything else that makes this more than just "One day," turning it into a slightly more unique day.

The words "I received a message" are frankly a bit boring. Their tone doesn't quite fit with the slightly over-the-top fairy tale tone of the rest. What sort of messages would the Black Widow send? Your words make the message sound like a boring bit of parchment sent by the fed ex guys. Be creative with this and tell us what form the message is in.

"It is very rare for the Widow to wish a visit from anybody, and the news very nearly gave me a heart attack, for what could be worse than such an invitation?"

Having something nearly give a character a heart attack is cliche. See if you can find a more whimsical way of saying this.

"It is like receiving a call from death."

I'd say either drop this sentence or find a way to make it stand out a lot more.

"And yet, if I refused, I knew she would be offended and might come to seek me out."

Would she really seek you out? Or does she have henchmen that would do it? How would this payment for the MC's bad behavior be carried out? I think you can put in a few little details to make your world a bit richer for us.

"In the end, I had little choice but to go to her, and hope she wouldn’t do something so impolite as eat a visitor who had answered to her summons."

This is a little obvious, though I like the second half of it.

"I was careful to crawl to her web, because I knew too well what hatred she bore towards those who fly, and I kept my wings well behind me as I stepped up to her door and rang the bell."

This I like. I'm finally starting to see your world a bit more.

"Her web, I noticed, was as wild and disheveled as ever."

This confused me. Has the MC been there frequently? I got the impression that he (or is it she?) has not been a frequent visitor based on his/her fear of going.

I think I would be willing to read for you if you think I can be helpful. If you want my feedback, send the story to jas23per@hotmail.com (preferably in a rich text file if you don't mind).
 

But I do find a bigger problem. I don't know what the narrator is. He has a studio, so he's a human; but there are hints at the end that he's a flying creature. The Black Widow is human, because she sends invitations; but she has a web. I don't know if she plans to eat MC, give him a dangerous job, or what -- because I don't know what kind of world I'm in.
 

wbriggs - It's a fairy tale! Insects can have human attributes, that's what makes it fun!

Ico, I liked it. It seemed well written, and it flowed well. However, I do think you should give some hint as to what species your main character is. Like wbriggs, I did start off thinking it was human. Although it's fine to have insects with human attributes, I think you should let us know that that's what it is first off. Maybe you could do something like this:

(I'm going to pretend it's a fly, but I have no idea)

It is very rare for the Widow to wish a visit from anybody, especially a fly such as myself, yadda yadda yadda.

Now we know what our main character is, and it doesn't leave us guessing.
 

Ray - I've tried to keep the intro as short as possible in order to get to the main point of the story, which is told by the Widow herself. But you're quite right that the narrator's fear of her seems a bit odd without explanation... and I think I may have to work it in here somewhere, so that the Widow's exact nature is clear. Will try to do that in the revision.

Nikki - emailed it to you, and would love to hear more of your thoughts on it.

Aalanya - Thank you for the lovely and in-depth critique! You bring up some excellent points that I will try to address in rewriting. And you even brought up some plot points that I need to seriously ponder, and completely slipped my notice before! I emailed you the story.

wbriggs - I agree the world needs to be more firmly established. The narrator is a firefly, which is revealed within the next paragraph or so... but perhaps I ought to introduce the fact earlier. As for the insects sending messages and acting like people... They're very sophisticated bugs.

Hot chocolate - I'm glad you liked it, and thanks so much for the positive comments! Nearly everyone has mentioned confusion at not knowing the species of the narrator. I will definitely have to include that information within the first paragraph or so. I think I may take your suggestion of how to do it. ^^ I'm glad the fairytale style of the writing didn't put you off.

By the way, if anybody does want to swap stuff, I'm always up for that. Thank you again for the comments! I appreciate it.

[This message has been edited by Ico (edited March 20, 2006).]
 

If you like, you can send it along to me. I don't have any stories that I am currently ready to have critiqued, so that's okay.

hotto.chokoreto@gmail.com
 

Hot chocolate -- great username, by the way -- I've emailed it to you. ^_^ If you don't have any stories to send my way just now that's all right; I'm willing to return the critting favor at any time, so whether it's in two months or two years, feel free to send me something whenever you have it ready!
 

Anyway, keep writing, I'll let you know when I have time.
 

But like I said, it seems like a charming opening.
 

The firefly is actually a painter, by the way. The insects are quite advanced, but they haven't invented cameras or electricity yet. ^_~