Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The face of the enemy

This is topic The face of the enemy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

Hi.

Here's the first 13 from a very short story I've just written (1,000 words).

It's sci-fi/horror.

Please could you give me comments on the first 13 & would anyone like to read more?

Edward breathed deeply, preparing to take the shot. He made a quick adjustment to the grip he held on the rifle, pulling it snug against his shoulder so that he would properly catch the weapon’s recoil.
He squinted down the magnified sights of the Springfield, feeling the cold wood of the gun on his cheek. Cold like the heart of a sniper.
Inhaling and exhaling slowly to quieten the beating drum in his chest, he fought to blank all thoughts from his mind.
He waited patiently, frozen like ice, waiting for his target to offer him a clean shot. Keep still, just for one second.

(the last sentence should be in italics)

Thanks.

Posted by Jammrock (Member # 3293) on :

quote:
Original
Edward breathed deeply, preparing to take the shot. He made a quick adjustment to the grip he held on the rifle, pulling it snug against his shoulder so that he would properly catch the weapon’s recoil.
He squinted down the magnified sights of the Springfield, feeling the cold wood of the gun on his cheek. Cold like the heart of a sniper.
Inhaling and exhaling slowly to quieten the beating drum in his chest, he fought to blank all thoughts from his mind.
He waited patiently, frozen like ice, waiting for his target to offer him a clean shot. Keep still, just for one second.

Italics are done by putting the sentence between [ i] [ /i], with no spaces after the '['. See here:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/ubbcode.html

I'm going to tell you right away something I discovered very quickly in the F&F forum: people will want to know why a character is doing something (or to what) before you tell the reader what he/she is doing. I know that came out confusing, but let me explain:

Edward breathed deeply, preparing to take the shot.

[Why do I care what he is shooting at? Is he shooting a small rodent that's eating his food storage, or some hideous alien monster?

Edward breathed quietly, scanning the country side for signs of the monster. He saw a flicker to his right, breathed in deeply, and held his breath for the shot.]

He made a quick adjustment to the grip he held on the rifle, pulling it snug against his shoulder so that he would properly catch the weapon’s recoil. He squinted down the magnified sights of the Springfield, feeling the cold wood of the gun on his cheek.

[Some things need to be "understood" for the sake of time, especially in the case of a short story (which I can never do, thus I only write long fiction). Even among non-shooters, I'm sure it's understood why you put a rifle butt against your shoulder. Now, this may be personal preference, but I want to know more about the rifle than "Springfield."

The sniper made some last minute adjustments to the massive scope of his Springfiled AR-24 long barrel special, tightened the butt of the rifle against his shoulder, and laid his cheeck against the wood of the stock.]

Cold like the heart of a sniper.

[The wood felt as cold as his heart ... (since we previously established that he is a sniper, no need for the redundancy).]

Inhaling and exhaling slowly to quieten the beating drum in his chest, he fought to blank all thoughts from his mind.
He waited patiently, frozen like ice, waiting for his target to offer him a clean shot. Keep still, just for one second.

[Sniper's do not inhale before a shot, only very very slowly exhale Watch out for redundant "waiting".

He began to steadily exhale, slowing his pounding heart, and made his practiced mind go blank. Frozen like ice, he lay in the grass marking his target, waiting for a clean shot.

Keep still, he thought, just for a second...]

Hope that helps.

[This message has been edited by Jammrock (edited March 17, 2006).]

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

I'll second that. I want to know WHAT he is shooting at. I can wait a little for the WHY, but I want to know what the target is. As Jammrock rightly points out, it could be anything from a cute little rabbit to a hideous monster from space.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Ditto, except I also want to know why. Edward's my only POV; if I can't see what he's about, I can't follow the story.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

I'd be willing to read the whole thing.

Here are some comments on the 13 lines:

1) I think words are getting in the way of your story. If you simplify--avoid saying in 8 words what you can say just as well in 2--you'll improve readibility a lot.

2) Avoid adverbs (and to a lesser degree gerunds). They clutter up sentences, and aren't as good as the strong verbs that you can use to replace them. e.g.,

quote:
Edward breathed deeply, preparing to take the shot

compared to

Edward exhaled, and prepared to fire.

3) There are some technical issues with your description of the shooting (speaking as a hunter and hobby marksman) that could be tighter:
a) "He made a quick adjustment to the grip he held on the rifle"
A good shooter who wants to be sure of his shot will be in a supported position. He will be prone, kneeling, or sitting, with the foreend or barrel of the rifle supported on something immobile (like a rock, a railing, a doorframe, a sandbag, a backpack), or, if circumstances demand, his own leg. Proper trigger hand grip is still important, but a lot of supported positions don't require much forend "grip" at all.
b) "He squinted down the magnified sights . . ."
i) What on earth is a magnified sight? I've seen open sights, reciever sights (peep sights), tang sights (also peep), buckhorn sights, ghost ring sights, red dot sights, semi-buckhorn sights, holosights, laser sights, and telescopic sights (scopes), but I've never heard of a magnified sight. If you mean scope, say scope.
ii) Also, if you mean scope, there is no reason for the character to be squinting, because a scope reduces everything to one visual plane (as opposed to a peep sight, which has two-front post and target-or a buckhorn, which has three-rear notch, front post, and target.)
c) "feeling the cold wood of the gun on his cheek"
This is dead right. His cheek should be on the comb (the top of the buttstock), unless he has a scope mounted on see-through rings (which he wouldn't if he only uses the rifle for distance work)

[This message has been edited by J (edited March 17, 2006).]

Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :

It sounds good your ideas are defiantly there. I just have problems with your tenses. I defiantly agree you should point out in the first sentence who is target is, also alot of these lines allow you to get more history of the character in; like maybe who thought him.
You could also make this alot stronger if you kept it in past tense. My changes are in brackets.

"Edward breathed deeply,[as he prepared]to take the shot. He made a quick adjustment, [to make his rifle] snug against his shoulder, so that he would properly catch the weapon’s recoil.
He squinted down the magnified sight of the Springfield, [with the] cold wood of the gun [pressed] to his cheek. Cold like the heart of a sniper.
[He] Inhaled and exhaled slowly to quieten the drum [beat] in his chest, to blank all thoughts from his mind.
Patiently he waited, frozen like ice, for his target to offer him a clean shot. Keep still, just for one second."

[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited March 17, 2006).]

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I'll read.

I add my vote to crits already given.

Posted by Popeyesays (Member # 3294) on :

The sniper's littany is "acquire target - inhale - exhale halfway - hold -squeeze"

He centered the traget in his sights, inhaled deeply and let out half the breath, squeezing ever so gently - "Just one more second asshole" or some such term - to let the reader know he has deadly intent.

I would like to read the whole thing as well.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I'm guessing that Edward isn't an experienced or particularly well trained sniper...that it doing something like this is considerably out of character for him.

If that's the case, you might want to make it a bit more clear, because I really was guessing, and everyone is jumping over your text on the assumption that you're trying to portray a trained, experienced sniper rather than a man moved by extraordinary circumstances to do something alien to his entire person. So do bring out his motives.

Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

Hey all.
Thanks very much for your helpfull comments.
I can see I need to do quite a bit of work on just the opening - never mind what other faults might be pointed out by those who have offered to read the whole thing.
Special gratittude for the technical points on the sniping.
This guy is supposed to be a bit of an expert at the job - so I'd better make sure I get the facts right huh?
Even though the main premise of the story is not the actual sniping, but what has gone before & the problem he has with going through with the act once his 'target' is revealed, I understand the importance of having the correct facts.

I think I've screwed up a bit with the story. I dont think I can reveal the exact details of the target right at the beginning. I use the 'reveal' in a few more sentences time (not as a dumb twist at the end though) to add a bit of impact. Maybe those that have offered to read the whole thing can let me know how I may be able to smarten this up a little.

I'll e-mail the full document to those that have offered on monday (I dont have it on the PC I'm using right now).

And...I had to laugh out loud when the word scope was offered to me. It's such an obvious choice of word & I skipped it over completely by trying to describe something instead of using the correct word. Doh!

All the best everyone.

[This message has been edited by benskia (edited March 18, 2006).]

Posted by x_nikki_x (Member # 3297) on :

Now, Im only new here, so my opinion isnt worth as much as a long time member, but here it is anyway.
I know Its been said before, But I like repeating things.

Edward breathed deeply, preparing to take the shot.
I think you should specify what animal or thing they are shooting at. It might say later in the story, but I was confused.

"Cold like the heart of a sniper" I dont think you need this part. Or, if you do want to use it, there shouldbe a comma after cold.

"Keep still, just for one second." This sentence didnt make sense to me. Is it a thought? cause if it is, it should be in italics and you should specify its a thought. If not, then I dont know what it is.

Other than those minor adjustments, your story siounds very good. I would like to read the rest. Please email it to
animalfannicole@yahoo.ca

Thanks

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Hah, that's what I get for guessing, eh?

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

If he's used to this...don't have him think about his weapon, or the fact that he's a sniper. When you're taking the shot with a properly adjusted weapon, it's the last thing on your mind. Now, there might be occasion to adjust for range or windage beforehand, but I don't think you want to bother rewinding your action that far. When you're sighting in, there's the crosshairs and there's your target, and there's the shot. Maybe I should capitalize or italicize it, but I don't feel like doing so

Anyway, by all means, tell us about the target...but feel free to keep Ed's POV in describing it. Tell us things like it's range, relative size, movement, cover...don't tell us anything that doesn't matter to the process of lining up the shot.

Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :

I'll read. However, I probably won't get a chance to critique. Life's a little hectic right now.

x_nikki_x:
He stated in his first post that that was meant to be italics.

Edit: You can e-mail me at cheezyscore@yahoo.ca.

[This message has been edited by The Fae-Ray (edited March 19, 2006).]

Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :

Overall, that was pretty well written, except for the parts like, Frozen like ice; Frozen does usually mean cold, and the simile doesn't really fit in with everything else that you're saying. Another thing, (unless you've written the whole story already) to me, the name Edward sounds like it should be in a comedy story, if this is a more serious story, you might want to try a more serious name. Otherwise, I wouldn't mind hearing more of it.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

A couple more technical points--

1) Popeysays is right about the order of breath control. You should further note that after the "exhale halfway" you have about 3-7 seconds before mini-tremors in your muscles (which you would never notice in normal circumstances, but look like earthquakes through a 9X scope) require you to take a couple breaths and start the cycle again

2) Your shooter shouldn't care about the recoil if he's only taking one shot. Actually, the fact that he's thinking about recoil is a bad sign. Shooters that think about recoil tend to flinch. Flinching makes misses. Moving the gun barrel 1/10 of an inch makes for a 4 or 5 inch difference at 250 yards--so even the smallest movement matters at range. For important distance shots, I know a lot of guys that will keep the rifle an inch off of their shoulder (with all the weight supported on a bench or backpack) and touch the gun only with two fingers on the barrel and a finger on the trigger. THey have a mean bruise after the shot--but they also have a hole exactly where they meant to make one. Positioning the rifle on the shoudler matters more when you know or suspect that rapid follow-up shots will be called for.

Posted by benskia (Member # 2422) on :

Hello again.
Thanks all for the additional comments.
I've sent the story out via e-mail to all those that have offered.
Cheers for your support.

Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :

By your reference to the springfield sniper rifle, I'm assuming this is a WW2 story. If you use the Springfield in the story, make sure the audience knows that its the model of the rifle.

Posted by Salimasis (Member # 2490) on :

Inhaling and exhaling slowly to quieten the beating drum in his chest, he fought to blank all thoughts from his mind.

Quieten is made-up slang and not an actual word. Narration, unless in the first person POV, should not contain slang. The passage should read: Inhaling and exhaling slowly to quiet (or calm) the beating drum in his chest, he fought to blank all thoughts from his mind.

Otheriwse, the hook is pretty effective.