Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled (Just started) Magic/Fantasy

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Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

The old, rusty streetlight flickered in front of me as I walked down Park Hill, tightly clenching the jewel. I knew I was in trouble. Big, big, trouble.
“You know Jasmine, now that I think about it, stealing a jewel from the greatest wizard of all time probably wasn’t the best idea,” Kelly whispered as we passed yet another rusty, flickering streetlight.
“Oh Shut-up Kelly,” I said, annoyed. “It’s no big deal. He isn’t all THAT great. And besides, I can use it for greater things than him. Songarun probably would’ve just left it to sit in a corner anyway.”
“Well…I guess your right. But if we get caught, I’m blaming it all on you!” Kelly replied as she walked a little faster. “Come on, lets at least hurry up.”

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

Some nits:

I'd start right off mentioning the jewel rather then the streetlight.

"tightly clenching" seems a bit redundant. And using "clutching" might be better altogether.

quote:
“You know Jasmine, now that I think about it, stealing a jewel from the greatest wizard of all time probably wasn’t the best idea,”

This feels an awful lot like telling.

Hope these helped a bit...

Posted by Jammrock (Member # 3293) on :

Just my opinion, but I've never been a fan of 1st person fantasy. Fantasy typically requires too much narration, which becomes cumbersome in first person.

The old, rusty streetlight flickered in front of me as I walked down Park Hill, tightly clenching the jewel.

[What pixyDust said.]

I knew I was in trouble. Big, big, trouble.

[I would rather have the character act like he was in trouble, rather than be told he was in trouble. Like looking over his shoulder, seeing someone obviously looking for them, ducking around a corner and saying...]

“You know Jasmine, now that I think about it, stealing a jewel from the greatest wizard of all time probably wasn’t the best idea,” Kelly whispered as we passed yet another rusty, flickering streetlight.

[Good, but I'm not hooked on "the best idea," but that's more person preference and geeky wordsmithing ]

“Oh Shut-up Kelly,” I said, annoyed. “It’s no big deal. He isn’t all THAT great. And besides, I can use it for greater things than him. Songarun probably would’ve just left it to sit in a corner anyway.”

[Annoyed is implied, no need to be repetative. Use [u]italics[/u] instead of CAPS for spoken word, looks more professional in my opinion.]

“Well…I guess your right. But if we get caught, I’m blaming it all on you!” Kelly replied as she walked a little faster. “Come on, lets at least hurry up.”

I like the pace of the opening. Very exciting. A great way to hook the reader in right away.

[This message has been edited by Jammrock (edited March 16, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It's okay, for yet another first person running narrative. You could use the POV to introduce Kelly before she speaks "My partner in crime thought so too." Or something like that. You could also let the POV affirm or contradict the character's dialog.

quote:
"...all THAT great." Just great enough to make us both into toads if he liked. "And besides...."

Anyway, I think it has potential. But you should probably let people know the length and what you're looking for here.

Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

I dont know how long it is yet. I just started writting it yesturday!

☺Thanks For the tips everyone!☺

Posted by imtheapple (Member # 3296) on :

This is really bothering me, Plumeh.
I'm just a lurker here, and I'm new.
But there is one thing I know.
You've been submitting many stories (5, was it?), and you've only given 6 critiques. I heard from a member that the appropriate ratio of critiques to stories you submit yourself should be about 10:1, if not more on the critique side.
Please, keep this in mind. It seems very unfair and a bit on the greedy side.

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

I applaud the fact you used American, readable names. I am one of few on this board, I think, who appreciates the use of familiar names over made-up ones.

Anyway, I sort of liked the story, but the dialogue seemed a little dry. Who really says: "You know Jasmine, now that I think about it, stealing a jewel from the greatest wizard of all time probably wasn’t the best idea." I was sort of taken out of the story by it because it seemed like such a cliche, or something to that extent.

Plus, I can't help wonder why two teenagers (at least they talk like them), are walking from the most powerful wizard in the world. The pair don't seem to show any fear, which seems unrealistic. You are also setting yourself for trouble if this goes any longer than a few pages because if these two girls are willing to stand up against the most powerful wizard without any seeming fear, then any weaker opponent than him is not going to seem as interesting.

And for the record, I made nearly 100 posts and crits and have posted only ONE of my stories for crits, mainly because I don't feel like wasting other people's times. If you really are putting up six stories like that, it sort of shows that you either don't care enough about a story to finish (which wastes everyone's effort to fix, if you are too lazy to finish) or you pump out an endless stream of bad stories, in hopes that one will impress all of us (kinda like the theory about the 100 monkeys and typewriters). Either way, you are wasting people's time and taking advantage of their kindness by not helping them. There is no reason for you not help others with their writing because no one here (except a dozen people who definitely know who they are and know they are right) is a certified writing expert and their opinion is law. Just give your opinion and it is up to the writer to decide whether to use it.

Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

imtheapple,
what do you just go and check up on people? like just randomly go aorund and sya stuff like that! I dont critique a ton of sotries cause im not good at it. I read all of them thanks... and im not FORCING anyone to critique mine. And you dont need to go checking up on people just for the hell of it!

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

Please no fighting. We're all just here to help each other improve our writing skills in any way we can, as civilly as we can. And no passing judgment on how we do it, either. This board is meant strictly for critiquing story fragments.

As for the story, I'm intrigued. Most everyone else took what I was gonna say, although if I read further, I'd expect to know more about this wizard pretty soon since your main characters already do.

Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :

It needs.... more detail... It's so...... boring.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Let's not have a fight over who's getting unfair benefit. I get a lot of benefit out of the ol' frag and feed, and I have yet to post an opening here. Newer writers usually need feedback on their own writing to get a feel for it, they might as well start getting that feedback here as anywhere. But the important thing is that nobody has to make a comment if it dosen't seem it'll be helpful. That applies to both comments plumeh hasn't felt compelled to post on other people's works and some comments that don't have anything to do with her writing.

Helping each other to feel helpful...is not accomplished by picking fights, or retaliating at every slight, if I may put the shoe on the other foot for a moment.

I didn't have a problem with the walking, and they seemed tense enough. Besides, wouldn't behaving in any conspicuously guilty manner be rather futile? Here's where more POV information would come in handy. From the setup, I assume that Jasmine has significant magical abilities and knowledge, and that Kelly is merely a skilled accomplice in the theft. But I don't think that everyone will assume that, and if it's not the case, the more people who do assume it the worse a problem it is.

Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :

I WOULD READ MORE OF IT IF IT HAD MORE DETAIL!

Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :

I dunno... it all seems so... fake, really. Like... these people are acting like they're school-girls who just stole some smart kid's notebook. It would be so easy to change one or two words to make that fit in.

"You know, Jasmine, now that I think about it, stealing a notebook from the smartest student of all time probably wasn't the best idea," Kelly whispered.....
"Oh, shut up Kelly," I said, annoyed, "it's no big deal. He's not all that smart."

And it sounds more realistic there.

And I have to agree with a lot that Mystic has said here. Everything here seemed sort of like a blank piece of paper. Nothing eye-catching is on the front side, so no one really cares enough to delve deeper into it and see what is on the back side. As well, I agree with pixydust. Everything here is being told as opposed to being shown. What is written here seems like the textbook rendition of your story. Your audience doesn't want to read a textbook!

I apologize if this seems a little harsh.

Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :

Yeah, I agree totally with The Fae-Ray, it was plain, it seems like no big deal, and it seemed like they were taking candy from a baby, it was so easy. How did they accomplish this task? Was there any struggle? Or did they just start out by having the jewel in her pocket. Explain please. If this were a book I were reading, I would put it aside, and choose another. The plot doesn't seem too bad if plan out the story a little more though.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

What bothers me here is that the dialogue in this opening reads like another version of "As you know, Bob..."

It is not that you can't have them discuss the problem, but the way they are talking sounds too much like the "Bob" cliche of talking for the benefit of the audience and not like real people.

Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :

I can't help but assume that this story takes place in modern times. If it is, the story has a lot of potential, assuming you play off the proper aspects (Cynical teenagers exposed to relics of the past). I must warn you that millions have tried this before, and few do it right. If you formulate your characters right, this could be a success.