Hatrack River Writers Workshop: So I finally found some time to write again...

This is topic So I finally found some time to write again... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

...and I'm considering making some major changes to the scene structure of my novel.

Before I do, I need some opinions on the first scene of the novel as it now stands. It's in rough draft form, so I only want general impressions, most importantly impressions of the MC (like? dislike? don't care? good gosh, he's boring? etc.) and whether or not you would keep reading.

It's fantasy: the scene is abt 1,300 words (by Word's count).

Here's the first thirteen I currently have (and please remember this is in rough draft form).

***

Doran closed his eyes, focusing on the magic that flowed through the water in the crystal glass. Images of opaque-white waves danced along his inner eye as he followed those waves of magic to their source, far to the south of West New Jersey, beyond the Colonies. When he found where the magic came from, he smiled. The magic hummed from inside a cave within Spain's territory of Mexico just as he had predicted. He frowned. They would need to create a gate. Would Hoyt, his student, be able to travel through a gate? If not, that meant dealing with that artless, rude-growing varlet and his resentment for months instead of days.

He stifled a groan at the thought then stifled the thought itself.

***

Would also like to add that I'm more than happy to give critiques to those who critique me. Just send me the story (any story) via email... no warning, no nothing.

[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited March 16, 2006).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

General impressions?

Your MC sounds likeable enough, nothing really in your first 13 has me going either way. I definately would read more of this to make a decision on that.

It does seem rather heavy on the description detail though and had me questioning what kind of magic he might be trying to sense and why.

I take it also that this is story from Colonial America, which makes it intriguing and different from the usual fantasy out there.

Good luck with it.

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

Not bad. I'm a little confused on the magic. First, I thought that it was inside the water in the glass, but then it's coming from a cave. Is he using one magic to find another magic source?

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

mommiller: Thanks.

Ray: Yup.

Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

Doran closed his eyes, focusing on the magic that flowed through the water in the crystal glass. Images of opaque-white waves danced along his inner eye as he followed those waves of magic to their source, far to the south of West New Jersey, beyond the Colonies. When he found where the magic came from, he smiled. The magic hummed from inside a cave within Spain's territory of Mexico just as he had predicted. He frowned. They would need to create a gate. Would Hoyt, his student, be able to travel through a gate? If not, that meant dealing with that artless, rude-growing varlet and his resentment for months instead of days.

He stifled a groan at the thought then stifled the thought itself.
**

I dont personally like how your telling what happens and not showing it. I think there should be a LOT more detail and I think it should be showing vs. telling.

He stifled a groan at the thought then stifled the thought itself. : First off, there needs to be a comma after the first thought. Also, stifled isnt the right word for "then stifled the thought itslef"

Images of opaque-white waves : I dont think you need the opaque part.

Would Hoyt, his student,: Just showing you how your telling instead of showing. You could have him say something (Hoyt I mean,) to the main character and use the word sensei or teacher or master or something!

Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

it was good, really good

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I like it. I'd definitely keep reading.

Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :

Okay, to keep it brief, I wouldn't introduce us to your world this way, It puts me off to be presented the world and all of its intricacies so blatantly. Stretch it out a bit, put us into a scene, an exciting scene that through it you must explain just a little bit about the world, but not a lot. Put me there, through description, but also through what your characters are thinking, feeling, and I will go right along, not noticing all the details that are being given to me subtly

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I like it, but was confused by the identity of the varlet. Is it Hoyt or someone else?

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

I liked it too. As mentioned confused by who's who in the last couple of lines. Didn't know what you meant by 'opaque' waves either.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

What hoptoad said, minus the "opaque waves" which did not bother me.

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

Thanks, everyone. Your comments are helping me figure out a major decision.

plumeh: I'm not quite sure what to make of your posts. Are you saying there are some flaws, but you like it anyway?

eclectic skeptic and plumeh: This is the most I can stretch this particular scene out. In fact, this scene only exists to set up the events that happen later (a bad sign).

I wrote a different opening scene last year (still in rough draft form) that I enjoy more but scrapped because I was working with a different setting at the time. It has more action and emphasizes the interaction between the protag and antag, but I feel it also emphasizes my MC's arrogance (after the first thirteen). I'm afraid that will turn a bunch of readers off.

However, I might use it as a later scene if I change the starting point for the story (the structure I'm considering using is similar to the TV series Lost in many ways).

I guess I'll go ahead and post the first thirteen of that as well. Let me know if you like this better.

Alternate Opening (no word count on this one):

Doran folded his arms as Hoyt -- hopefully the last student of his career -- neared the zenith of the spell. Not a bit of sweat on Hoyt's brow and he spoke the words with the bravado that marked adult children of the rich and careless. Doran waited for Hoyt to show any sign of concentration at all, not expecting any; it was a difficult spell for an apprentice and Doran knew Hoyt would fail spectacularly. Maybe the humiliation would sting his pride enough to get him studying again.

Hoyt shouted the key word, arms spread wide, voice ringing through the still forest air like a man on stage delivering the most important line in the play.

Nothing.

[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited March 17, 2006).]

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

For the second opening to work, you need to tell us what the spell is for. You say "Nothing happened". For all I know, this is normal

. Seriously, what was supposed to happen? What are they trying to do? Is it important, or just an exercise for Hoyt's student (if the latter, I'm less interested)?

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

Shouldn't it be Opaque-white waves of images? I stopped right there with it. You say images as to suggest you see something, anything. Buth then you say it's just waves and they aren't exactly images.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Still good, I'll want to read this eventually. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to see a fix for the confusion in the first version, though now that I know the intent the answer is obvious. Something like "Would Hoyt, his feckless and untalented student..." so that it would be clear that the infective in the next line applied to the same character.

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

I think I got confused here.

Who, among those who've responded, wants to read the first scene I posted, in its entirety? In reading the comments I just now realized that those who are saying they liked it, might be saying they wanted to read the whole scene.

(Sorry I didn't respond until now. I've been blowing off steam at Liberty Hall in between signing documents and packing/de-junking. No excuse, though.)

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

I think that readers would want to know your character is arrogant earlier rather than later. It may turn some off, but then so would having some milk-sop as your main character. You'll do far worse damage revealing this character trait later rather than earlier. You can do it with some traits, but not one that will permeate his interaction with other people.

Overall, I liked it. I'm a little too busy and tired for a fll critique right now, but maybe once you've rewritten this piece I'll contribute.

Good to see you back.

Posted by Vatyma (Member # 2749) on :

I'll read it Keeley,

Both openings are a little confusing, and you're just not telling (or showing) us enough, but the setting is interesting enuf to keep someone want to read on.

send it to mussa.fatima@gmail.com

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

I've been thinking about all the comments here (especially yanos's) and I've decided to go ahead and restructure the whole novel.

That means I'll be throwing out both beginnings.

Vatyma, if you still want to read, I'll send you the first beginning, but I'm not going to be working any further with it.

Thank you, all of you who commented. I knew the beginning wasn't grabbing me and now I know why. I'm starting in the wrong place.