Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Will Destroy Evil Empire for Food

This is topic Will Destroy Evil Empire for Food - SciFi in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jammrock (Member # 3293) on :

I have been working on this one for a while, about a year off and on, and am aiming for a decent sized novel. I am currently at 25503 words and looking for someone to give a neutral review what I have done so far. Status: about half way through the first draft ... give or take a few percentage points.

The story is partly speculative fiction, centering around gangster/mercenary/political activities, but at the heart, all SciFi.

Here are my 13:

The Klamath Mountains of North California began to quickly diminish. They were not the most impressive peaks he had hiked, but the scenery made up for the mild heights. Above, at five-thousand meters above sea level, were the blinking lights of the Western North American Airway System. The five lane wide by three level tall express airway system started to come into focus. Five-hundred meters below the freight level of traffic, Razh Drauschuun, leveled out his aircar and hit the accelerator. The acceleration was smooth and the cabin was relaxingly quiet, even at nearly one-thousand kilometers an hour. The airway ahead curved slightly with the coastline of North California. Razh spotted a small gap in the passenger level of traffic, jetted upwards, and snuck in. Most people

...it's not the most exciting start, but it is a start.

Thanks,

James "Jammrock" Kehr

PS - Of you course you never find the obvious type-o's until after you submit the post. Title = Will Destroy Evil Empires for Food ... sneaky 's'.

[This message has been edited by Jammrock (edited March 16, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 16, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Great title!

This could be good. I would want things to be clearer before I'd read on, but once they're clarified, I'll want to know what happens.

The Klamath Mountains of North California began to quickly diminish. [This has me wondering whether you made up the name "Klamath," since it sounds alien. I looked it up. You didn't. But you might make reference to what that range is part of -- Sierra something? -- for us ignorant east-coaster people.

Other problem: what makes the mountains diminish? Acid rain? Alien goo? This is SF, after all. Several sentences later I gathered that you meant that they were receding in the distance.]

They were not the most impressive peaks he had hiked, but the scenery made up for the mild heights. Above, at five-thousand meters above sea level, were the blinking lights of the Western North American Airway System. [I did a double-take, but maybe that was what you wanted. The Airway System is good scenery? Boy, does he think differently than modern Americans!

Since I don't know what an airway system looks like -- except that it has blinking lights -- I think you need to tell us.]

The five lane wide by three level tall express airway system started to come into focus. [Why was it out of focus? Is he looking through a telescope? Oh, I get it. You meant that it was no longer obscured by haze or distance -- not focus. I think.]

Five-hundred meters below the freight level of traffic, Razh Drauschuun, leveled out his aircar and hit the accelerator. [Whoa-- I thought he was hiking! You only mentioned hiking before. Tell us he's in an aircar before the hiking comment, and the problem will be fixed.]

The acceleration was smooth and the cabin was relaxingly quiet, even at nearly one-thousand kilometers an hour. The airway ahead curved slightly with the coastline of North California. Razh spotted a small gap in the passenger level of traffic, jetted upwards, and snuck in. Most people would not even notice the extra car in traffic. [Why would they care? You tell us later, but I don't want to have to wonder for a couple of sentences.]

Those who did would dismiss it as their mind playing games on them. After all, no traffic was permitted to enter or exit traffic within a protected forest environment. [That seems like a strange rule -- especially the no-enter. Why would it matter? Maybe you were about to tell us. But I know that when I see someone breaking a rule, I don't dismiss it as my mind playing games with me -- people break rules all the time.]

Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :

"The Klamath Mountains of North California began to quickly diminish."

I hit the word "Klamath" and think about the same thing as wbriggs. And then I reach North California and feel safe again. Back in comfortable reality

Ok, so I know a lot of people really aren't bothered by split infinitives, but personally they drive me nuts. So for my own peace of mind I'm going to point out that "to quickly diminish" is a split infinitive and it's just as easy (and more correct) to say "to diminish quickly."

And what exactly does that mean? I'm assuming that the mountains are fading into hills, but it might be good to say so more expressly.

"They were not the most impressive peaks he had hiked, but the scenery made up for the mild heights."

No problem here... except as wbriggs said that the scenery is an airway system. Maybe view instead of scenery?

"Above, at five-thousand meters above sea level, were the blinking lights of the Western North American Airway System."

Wait... Western North American? Do you mean North-West American? or western (lower case) North American? That confuses me a little.

"The five lane wide by three level tall express airway system started to come into focus."

The first half of this sentence feels really bogged down to me. Description is a good idea since we aren't really familiar with the airway system, but try using description that doesn't require numbers.

Using the words "airway system" again in this sentence is really repetitive. Try finding a substitute.

Why is it coming into focus? It's been there the whole time hasn't it? So how is it changing in such a way as to become more in focus?

"Five-hundred meters below the freight level of traffic, Razh Drauschuun, leveled out his aircar and hit the accelerator."

Razh Drauschuun is a name I skim over because I don't feel like trying to puzzle out how to say it. I'd probably spend the rest of the story thinking of him as "the guy with the short first name that begins with R."

The comma after his name is not necessary.

I'm assuming the freight level is the lowest level?

I can guess what an aircar is, but it seems a bit random. Why does he have an aircar if he's been hiking? Is it there waiting for him? What's going on with this?

"The acceleration was smooth and the cabin was relaxingly quiet, even at nearly one-thousand kilometers an hour."

This confused me at first. Somehow I had the impression that the airway system was some sort of rail system. So when I first read this I thought that he had magically gotten on board a train.

You should probably explain how he can be going one thousand kilometers an hour. Is he just that good? Are the cars just that smart?

"The airway ahead curved slightly with the coastline of North California."

This is fine.

"Razh spotted a small gap in the passenger level of traffic, jetted upwards, and snuck in."

Wait... so he's *not* part of the traffic until this point? So he was going at 1000 kilometers an hour through the air somewhere outside of the airway system? I'm just not following.

"Most people would not even notice the extra car in traffic."

Ok.

"Those who did would dismiss it as their mind playing games on them."

Um... ok...

"After all, no traffic was permitted to enter or exit traffic within a protected forest environment."

I would suggest saying "no vehicles were permitted to enter..." Saying traffic twice gets confusing.

Also, you might combine this sentence with the previous one since the previous sentence makes no sense without this one.

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

Everything I was going to say has already been said.

Just wanted to stress that I LOVE the title. *big thumbs up*

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

quote:
has me wondering whether you made up the name "Klamath," since it sounds alien.

Oh, THIS comment made me roll in laughter. MY first thought was "Oh, good, Jammrock is from the Pacific Northwest. He knows how to spell Klamath."

Klamath is the name of a Native American tribe located in the southern part of Oregon, northern part of California. This area is part of the Cascade Mountain range. One of the towns on the southern Oregon border is named "Klamath Falls." So no, it's not a made-up name.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited March 16, 2006).]

Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :

Thanks for the tidbit, Elan. I, too, am an ignorant east-coaster.

Posted by Jammrock (Member # 3293) on :

I'm going to like this F&F board. Let think about the suggestions and make some updates. I'm new to writing for others, so I have the nasty habit of writing without realizing the reader has no idea what's going on unless I tell them about it.

If anyone wants to read more (for fun or to give further suggestions), please let me know. Just need to find the options to let you see my email address ... and done.

Thank you for all the suggestions!

Jammrock

PS - Not from the NW, the Heartland actual, and just about to become a Carolinian ... Carolinan ... uh ... moving to the Charlotte area. I have a big hiker friend that's been to a lot of the mountains on the west coast, and I've always liked the name Klamath.

[This message has been edited by Jammrock (edited March 16, 2006).]

Posted by Jammrock (Member # 3293) on :

okay ... 13('ish) lines take 2.5:

The Klamath Mountains of northern California were primal in their beauty. The peaks were not very impressive, but Razz found the scenery breathtaking. He took a small handheld device from his backpack and turned it on. A small hologram soon appeared stating: Next escape window opens in 65 seconds. Razz put the device, now counting down, on a rock and took the camouflage off his aircar. He put his backpack on the passenger seat, and the handheld on top of that. The aircar hummed to life and lifted off the ground.

The countdown finished and a tiny flight path appeared. The man who had sold him the device, which monitored park ranger movements, had told him that most people would rather be attacked a battalion of Special Forces than the Park Ranger

Better? ...

[This message has been edited by Jammrock (edited March 16, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 16, 2006).]

Posted by Aalanya (Member # 3263) on :

Wow... I honestly think that's one of the most improved rewrites I ever seen somebody do. It's ten times better! This is so much more readable.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Much better, but I'm thinking the reason you'd rather be attacked by Special Forces than a Park Ranger would be something along the lines of a clean death v. some kind of fate worse than death, if you take my rather Victorian meaning.

You could also exploit Razz's POV a little more fully, but I won't insist on it. It would help with clarity in showing the action, though. You've got to find some way to make the unfamiliar comprehensible to us, and POV works.

Posted by Jammrock (Member # 3293) on :

Thanks all! That gives me a good idea of how to get the story off to a better start. I'll have to remember that KDW is very strict about the 13 line rule in the future. She chopped off both of my 13 lines so they were exactly 13 lines, and not a word more.

[Jammrock makes a mental note]

Back to writing I go. If anyone wants to read on fire me off an email.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Not a bad re-write at all, and I **LOVE** the title.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

So here's a comment from someone who DOES live near the Cascade mountains. I would absolutely take issue with the statement that the "...peaks were not very impressive." THAT statement will tag you as a person who's never been there.

The entire Cascade Range is impressive, and Northern California is no exception. The filming of The Empire Strikes Back (the scenes with the Ewoks on the planet Endor) was done in the Northern California Redwood forests.

Do a GOOGLE Image search:
http://images.google.com/images?q=klamath&hl=en
or check out these other pages

http://www.goldengatephoto.com/WestUS/klamtrin.html
http://volcano.und.nodak.edu/vwdocs/volc_images/north_america/crater_lake.html
http://www.webshots.com/search?new=1&source=mdocsheader&words=klamath

The forests and mountains are plenty impressive. I'm not sure what you are trying to convey with the statement that the peaks aren't impressive, so I can't figure out a way to help you make that statement work... are you trying to compare the mountains to the Rockies? Trust me, when you are in the middle of the forest looking up at the snow capped peaks of the Cascades, the thought that the Rockies might be a tad more impressive never crosses your mind.

Posted by Jammrock (Member # 3293) on :

Elan, that depends on where you were before the Klamath mountains. Compared to say, the Alps, or the Andes or the Himalayans, or alien peaks (nudge, nudge, wink wink) the Klamath mountains (from a pure height perspective) aren't very impressive. Thus I had originally said, "were not the most impressive he had climbed." I simply forgot to add that part in my revision. Something I will edit for the future.

Thanks for picking that out. I had done a thurough google image search, including topographical information, about the Klamath's before writing that part, to make sure they were not on the same caliber, height wise, as the Alps, Andes and Himalayans.

[This message has been edited by Jammrock (edited March 17, 2006).]

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

If you don't mind it taking a couple of weeks, I'll read it.

And I like the new opening much better, btw.

Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :

Just wanted to say that I really like the title. It looks like the rewritten version is headed towards living up to the potential of the title. Wish I had the time to offer to read a chunk of this.