The mountain of fresh turned earth, stands in the background of the photograph, a silent sentinel guarding the secrets of my past.
Where was this picture taken? Why can’t I remember it?
It is me, standing there waving at whoever took the picture. That much the mirror tells me.
I look at the man in the photograph. He stares back at me, his olive drab uniform, and piercing dark brown eyes staring out from under an olive drab cap, familiar yet somehow still unknown.
My hands clasp tightly around the black metal of a weapon. Beyond knowing that it is a weapon, memory fails me. I cannot identify the type or remember how it’s used. Dwelling on the weapon gives me a headache.
It doesn't quite work for me. I don't much care for your narrator, and it's probably because I don't know why he is staring at that photograph right now. How did he discover it? How long has he been amnesiac? Give me something to hang on him.
You might want to start a little earlier than that.
And it's "freshly turned earth", not "fresh turned earth".
I'm not gripped because I don't know what MC *does* know. Does he know he was a soldier? Is there some place where he might have been in this picture -- that is, does he remember being in a war? Where is he now?
Here's what I would do:
Condense these thirteen lines into a single paragraph. In your first sentence describe the photograph including the uniform and weapon and the hand waving at the camera. Then reveal that the MC doesn't know when or where it was taken. Then put in a sentence suggesting that it is odd that the MC doesn't know or that it gives him a funny sensation to look at it. And then finally reveal the fact that the person in the photo is the MC.
What this will do is give all the same facts but then end the paragraph on a strong note of surprise.
I liked the writing, and it made me want to read more. Send it to me if you wish.
[This message has been edited by thayerds (edited March 16, 2006).]
"My hands clasp tightly..." Don't you think you could use something more like; "The grip on" or "My hands tightly clasp" or something that would sound more appealing.
Isn't the character looking at a picture of him/herself? How wouldn't they know who they're looking at? That part is pretty confuzing, and you want to keep the readers focused on the more important facts instead of them trying to figure out what you mean in less important parts through-out the story. Come to ask, is there a reason s/he looks at this picture? Does this tie in with the rest of the story? Would you mind maybe telling us a little more about the main point in this story so we could help you make it even more appealing?