Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Dispatches from a Future War

This is topic Dispatches from a Future War in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Roger Huder (Member # 3289) on :

These are the first 13 lines of a completed manuscript.

Incoming rounds exploded against the wall above me. Shrapnel struck my armor, knocking me to my knees. Dust and debris bounced off my helmet. Carlos and Johnson the Marines standing next to me returned fire furiously. Buckethead and Snake just to my left worked their crew served weapon across the front of our position. I crouched lower pulling my knees closer to my chest and ducked my head. Reporters are not supposed to be in firefights they are supposed to report on them.
Another series of explosions tore into the wall behind me. More debris bounced off my air tanks on my back.
“Danger close. Danger close.” My suit’s alarm system sounded more scared than I was. “Evacuate the area. Evacuate the area.”
Still more explosions, this time better aimed.

Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :

I'm rather confused by this whole segment. First of all, if incoming rounds hit from above, then you would think it would cause things to fall on top of him. Then, isn't shrapnel rather dangerous since it spreads out? So I'm wondering what kind of armor he is wearing that makes it so he doesn't get hit in the face? Ohhh, but then you say stuff fell on him in the third sentence...seems a bit out of order.

THe third sentence should have commas around "the Marines standing next to me" since it is an apositive (i think thats the word). Then the next sentence doesn't make sense. You left out commas. i would say, "Just to my left, Buckethead...". But then the rest of it (worked their crew served weapons) doesn't make sense.

But I'll stop commenting on the grammer and tell you what I think on some other things. I think it was annoying not knowing he's a reporter to begin with when he's right in the middle of the action. Then I'm just not gripped by the action. Personally, it seems like a typical war scene, whihc in itself should be exciting, but not if its just like every other description of a war scene.

It seems that he is probrably in space or something, due to the "air tanks". I'd like to know about that since its not very clear here.

[This message has been edited by ethersong (edited March 14, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Nits: "Carlos and Johnson the Marines" -- odd phrasing, and seems to suggest that Buckethead and Snake aren't Marines.

"crew served weapon": I don't know what this is.

Major: We're halfway through the first paragraph before we find that MC isn't a soldier. This is important! I suggest starting thus:

Reporters are not supposed to be in firefights; they are supposed to report on them. No such luck. Incoming rounds . . .

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

I, too, thought the MC was another Marine until the line about being a reporter.

Ditto ethersong's comments on using commas.

Even for those of us who know what "crew served weapon" means, it still isn't distinct enough. A crew-served weapon is technically anything that requires two or more soldiers to operate effectively, if at all. That covers a LOT of ground: machine guns, anti-tank guns and recoilless rifles just to name a few.

Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :

I understood everything you were trying say. However, you made the cardinal mistake of useing terminology that only combat soldiers or Marines would use. Be specific, and spell it out. What sized rounds are "exploding" on the walls above them. If they are mortar rounds, your reporter isn't saying anything, cause they are all dead, buried under the rubble; you get the drift? Be clear and consise, but explain it like you are talking to your little sister. It is a fine line. Don't say gun instead of rifle or weapon. Don't call a magazine a "clip". At the same time don't say crew-served weapon instead of lazer generated fleshett blaster. And most of all don't write a conventional battle in a SF story. There is no point. SF readers are not looking for a conventional battle.

By the way, WELCOME TO HATRACK, you are amongst the meanest friends you will ever have. All you're gonna get is tough love around here.

Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :

true dat last statement.

Its all for you're good though. ;-)