Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled short story

This is topic Untitled short story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

This is a short story I wrote a couple of months ago. I would have to say the genre is horror. There are 3,438 words in the whole story.

Alex rounded the corner of 90th and Hearst and came to a standstill. She observed for a moment the crowd of protesters clustered in front of the clinic.

She hitched her purse up on her shoulder and took the first of the steps that would take her directly into the midst of the crowd. She had agonized too long over this decision to turn back now.

A few more feet and she was right in the middle of the crush, shoving and pushing her way through to the front door.

"Choose life; your parents did," a women wearing a gold cross around her neck shouted into Alex's face.

Alex wanted to shout back at her, "They sure did, you stupid witch and that's why neither of my parents went to college and

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 14, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited March 14, 2006).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I'm assuming the first sentence should read "Alex rounded the corner of 90th and Hearst..."

"Observed" is a very distant word to use, it implies detachment and a lack of emotion, which doesn't fit with what happens after. I think it would work better as a run-on, and with a plainer verb - "and came to a standstill when she saw the crowd of protesters..."

I'm not hooked, because I'm really not convinced I want to read a story that's dealing with one side or the other of the abortion debate. There's so much on this topic out there (and, frankly, it's none of my business, because I'm never going to have an abortion...) that I find it difficult to believe that the story will shed any new light on the subject. Of course, the story may not actually be about abortion (you suggest the genre might be horror, though you don't sound sure) - but I don't know that at this point.

[This message has been edited by tchernabyelo (edited March 14, 2006).]

Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

Thanks for your critique and pointing out the typos. I posted this in a bit of a hurry.

[This message has been edited by Angfla (edited March 14, 2006).]

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Hey Angfla

First I was thrown when Alex turned out to be female.

(First speedbump)

She had agonized too long over this decision to turn back now.

It sounds like her decision was to 'turn back now.'
(Second speedbump) I'd rewrite that line.

I don't think I would read on for the very reason that it feels a bit preachy. It may prove not to be, but it certainly does now with Alex reacting so aggressively. In so few lines she comes across as fairly unsympathetic, when I think her strong-will was supposed to be a strength/sympathetic trait. Resolve doesn't have to be aggressive.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

She had agonized too long over this decision to turn back now.

What decision? She knows. Tell us!

I do suggest you alter Alex to Alexis, or something -- it's just easier.

You've already run afoul of people wanting to avoid the abortion issue, so if that isn't what your story is about, you might somehow let us know this. I'm not sure how, not knowing your story.

Posted by giggles (Member # 3279) on :

I don't know what the real story is about, but there is not enough of a clench at this point to keep me reading either. However, if she turned to the witch in the crowd and instead of shouting about college shouted something like "what did she know about raising a baby vampire or werewolf" (turn this into urban fantasy/horror) I would keep reading.

Just an idea to ponder.

Chrissie

Posted by Angfla (Member # 2904) on :

Thanks everyone.

I've decided there are too many problems with this particular story to even try to rewrite it. However, I am going to do another post with the beginning of a novel I'm working on. Feedback on that would be appreciated.

Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :

The story sounds great, but everything happens so suddenly that it starts getting crammed. You should put in a little more un-needed detail to space it out a bit, and maybe even instead of a short story, write a novel!