Hatrack River Writers Workshop: untitled short story

This is topic untitled short story - first 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Hi - this is a short story in progess. I'm at about 4000 words (and trying to wrap it up). The genre is sci-fi and other than that I'll let you read it. Looking for general feedback and wondering if there is enough hook in here... Thanks all

I wasn’t ready to abandon my body quite yet, but I really didn’t know how much more time I could handle in the quarantine station. According to my wall it had been over 400 days since I arrived. Unfortunately, my grasp on reality was getting weaker than a Jovian handshake. Right now I couldn’t even remember if I had already made a mark on the wall today or not. Did I?

I reached over for the punch. Maybe I already marked? Absently, I rubbed my thumb across the blunt tip, my thoughts swirling. Still unsure, I held the punch to the wall and head butted it with a satisfying smack.

You know it’s true that a nice wallop on the noggin really does make you see stars. And they’re quite beautiful

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

The first sentence is good. From then on the information you give could be put off until later in the story. This IS the opening and you have bigger fish to fry here. The quarantine - ok you have my attention. Then you talk about a failing memory and then punching a mark on the wall. My attention is not with you. I'm sitting back wondering quarantine? where? why? Just how weak is a Jovian handshake - never having had one I can't relate to it and don't know. The last sentence does not seem to advance the story at all.

Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :

I liked this opening, though I admit that I was smiling - is it meant to be humorous?
Best Wishes
John Mc...

Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :

I really like it. I also assume that it is humorous. If so good start. The only thing that pulled me out of the fictional dream was the "Jovian handshake" reference. It would work later in the story after I had an idea what a Jovian was, but here something else closer to home would work better. I'll read the whole thing if you send it.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

It is a good start. The quarrentine reference has me wondering, as to the unique way he is marking off the days.

My only nitpick, was that you use the term "I," three times in the first sentance.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

The hook in the first line worked for me.

"Jovian handshake" didn't. The high gravity of Jupiter is such that for a long time it's been associated with massive strength, in terms of people bred to live within its gravity well. I have no objection whatsoever to using this sort of simile - "as weak as a blarth noofler" - because the very use of it clearly implies that a blarth noofler is weak, and it adds atmosphere, but in this instance the "Jovian" just conveys the opposite, to me, of what I think you're trying to convey.

I'd read on. And I'd offer to critique, but only when you think it's finished (well, first draft at least). I don't critique things that are incomplete.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I was confused. I didn't know what the quarantine was about. Ditto tch. on the Jovian handshake.

Let us know when the story's finished; sounds interesting.

Posted by giggles (Member # 3279) on :

I'm in agreement with everyone else. This first part is quite good. Ditch the handshake and you got a winner.

Chrissie

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

I like the tone you've set, and the idea presented in the first paragraph. Ditto everyone else on the Jovian handshake.

I'm not exactly sure how you would do it, but I'd like a little better idea of what's going on. I'm not sure if this character (guy? girl? alien? none of the above?) is quarantined in a jail of some kind, or because he's a new arrival on a colony planet, or just because it's an alien lifeform picked up by the space patrol.