Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fantasy Novel, The Darkness Within

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Posted by Ezekiel (Member # 3264) on :

I need some help so please tell me how this sounds!

The rain drops fell faster.
Their bodies whirled around one another,dancing,dodging,thrusting,parring. Blades fell crashing,sparks lighting their paths.
The smell of rain invaded their senses.The mud shifted easily beneath their deft feet.
To the village spectators they were nothing more than two black silhouettes sparring one another in the ring.
However Brade was not so fooled,he could see his bother quite clearly.
"What are you doing Thedaran?" Brade mumbled,"Fighting Darcus with only one blade." As he wathched the two figures danced one with two sords the other possesing only one in his hands.

Any suggestions,I'd be much obliged people!
thanx,Ezekiel

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

I had to laugh out loud. I guess I'm not the ONLY person who refers to my brother as my "bother." However, I suspect that was a typo in your case.

You start us out with raindrops as the subject. Then you say: "Their bodies whirled around one another, dancing, dodging, thrusting, parring. Blades fell crashing, sparks lighting their paths." Until you give us a new subject, all subsequent action is attached to the current subject, which in this case is still the raindrops. I've yet to see a raindrop that can do all that.

By the way, did you know you are supposed to use the spacebar between ALL words? A comma is no substitute for the spacebar. And the word is "sword", not "sord." There are a lot of mechanical errors here, and they are getting in your way.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited March 09, 2006).]

Posted by Ezekiel (Member # 3264) on :

Sorry let me fix it hows this?
The raindrops fell faster. The wet gift from the heavens pouring down on the two warriors clenched in battle.
Their bodies whirled around one another, dancing, dodging, thrusting, parrying. Blades fell crashing, sparks lighting their paths.
The smell of rain invaded their senses, the water made their handles slick. The mud shifted underneath them, splashing on their black boots.
To the village spectators they were nothing more than two black silhouettes fighting one another in the ring. However Brade was not so fooled, he could see his brother quite clearly.
"What are you doing Thedaran?" Brade mumbled," Fighting Darcus with only one blade." As he watched the two figures swords

Sorry that this is 15 lines,please forgive this transgression!

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 09, 2006).]

Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :

First off, the fight scene is a good starting point.
You do seem to be using the brother as the POV? So his perspective should be used in the scene.
'invaded their senses' this seems wrong given that the rest of the scene is another POV.
Also 'The raindrops fell faster'...not my idea of a good phrase.
Overall the scene needs a clear POV, with it you can set up the fight in the torrential rain with a gusto that will make the reader want to read it!
Best Wishes
John Mc...

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

To show what I mean -- not to prescribe anything -- consider this beginning:

Despite the rain, Brade could see his brother Thedaran quite clearly, fighting in the outdoor ring.

"What are you doing Thedaran?" Brade yelled," Fighting Darcus with only one blade."

What I mean to illustrate:

A string of pronouns at the beginning confuses me. Give me names.

Give us a POV early. Now there's the proverb that the first paragraph is "free" (use it to set up the story, w/o worrying about point of view), but I don't see any reason _not_ to give us POV in the first sentence.

Brade mumbled, or yelled? I think most arena fights, people yell.

There'll be time to wax poetic later, when we know where we are and who we are.

One more note:

As he watched the two figures swords clenched, one with two swords the other possessing only one in his hands.

Which one had two swords? Brade knows. Tell us.

Hope that helped.

Posted by Archon (Member # 3273) on :

I guess I'll jump right into it. This is my first time giving a critique, and if I say anything that offends, I don't mean it like that, I'm just blunt.

First off, I have to agree with Johnmac1953 about the POV. It needs to be a bit more pronounced. At the moment, it seems your starting broad and narrowing down to your POV, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

'The raindrops fell faster. The wet gift from the heavens pouring down on the two warriors clenched in battle.'

I would suggest not to use the adverb in the first sentence because it's weak compared to other strong verbs like pounded or crashed that could be used instead. It's a fight scene, so make it powerful. And personally, I don't like the phrase 'wet gift from the heavens.' It just seems kind of silly instead of serious (serious like in a religious sense since you use the word 'heavens.')

'Their bodies whirled around one another, dancing, dodging, thrusting, parrying.'

With all the adjectives, it might help to promote them by using a dash, such as: Their bodies whirled around one another - dancing, dodging, thrusting, parrying.

'The smell of rain invaded their senses...'

Rain is water, and unless it's toxic, it doesn't smell. The surrounding area, including the mud, plants, flowers, ect., would probably have a stronger odor, though. At least that's what I've noticed. If you write it like that, it can help add to the sense of place for the reader.

'"What are you doing Thedaran?" Brade mumbled," Fighting Darcus with only one blade." As he watched the two figures swords...'

There should be a comma between 'doing' and 'Thedaran' because that's who he's speaking to. And to wbriggs comment, I took the mumble to mean he was speaking to himself, not to Thedaran. Or, atleast, not for Thedaran to hear. Either way, you need the comma. There should also be a period after mumbled.

So basically, you need to fix the grammer and tighten the POV. I can see possibilites for this opener, though, so keep working at it.

Cheers,
Cassie

[This message has been edited by Archon (edited March 09, 2006).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I'll echo the POV comments on this. I think we need to know whose POV we're in before you talk about the fight. Only takes a few words. "Brade watched the two men, their bodied whirling around one another..." The faster we get into a POV, the quicker we take up an emotional stance and can get genuinely interested and involved in the fight.

Incidentally, f you're going to have whirling bodies, then I'd suggest you avoid "clenched". "Clenched" implies tightly joined, and I get a picture of two men wrestling, locked together, not of a sword-fight, fast and fluid.