*****

"Karsh, move out!” the General ordered and turned his horse to the east.
Rather than comply, the boy, who was nearly a man, remained staring the wasteland that was his rightful kingdom. The villagers who didn’t flee at their approach were shadows of their former beings. Eyes were hollow, joyless. Drawn and sullen, the survivors were trapped by fear. Less than a moon had passed since the fall of Isintart, the once proud capital city of this land. Already a quarter of his country lay wasted. Mages ripped apart all that stood in their way. Houses were shrouded in cloth and skins in an attempt to patch their blasted and charred sides. Trying to ward away further misfortune. Destroyed by a war they didn’t know they were fighting, they didn’t have the resources to repair the damage.

 

I'm not hooked. The most interesting thing in this sample, for me, is the boy who is nearly a man and is surveying his kingdom. I want to know more about him instead of the infodump on the ravaged land.
 

And give us the word count for the prologue and three chapters.
 

While some may be able to pull it off, I don't think its a good way to go. Especially since I don't care about the character, let alone the entire world at this point. It seems like every fantasy novel starts with some torn apart mages and poor ravaged villages. Show me why I would want to read your book.

*****

“Karsh, move out!” the General ordered and turned his horse to the east.
Rather than comply, the boy, who was nearly a man, remained staring the wasteland that was his rightful kingdom. Everything that mattered was gone. Well, almost everything. His arm tightened around his sister who was sitting in the saddle in front of him. He’d saved her from whatever spell had vaporized thier parents and Sabbatus’ capital city, Isnitart. Trying not to feel the loss, he scanned the bloated vultures feasting on the dead of what was once a village. With Isintart gone, Sabbatus assumed he and Allana had died with their parents. His half-siblings were locked in combat for the throne. It was likely that one of them had ordered the attack on Isintart. He

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 13, 2006).]
 

Opening with a line of dialog always irritates me, unless it's a pure dialog opening, which this is not. It would also be good if you establish POV immediately rather than assuming we know who will be the POV character.

On a more general note, it might be more appropriate to have this be the end of your first chapter, rather than the beginning. After all, the attack on Isnitart (looks too much like Isenhart, by the way) is the beginning of Karsh's part in all this.

Still, this is much better than what you had at first.
 

Survivor, the problem I think I have with starting at the attack at Isnitart (and yes, you are right it is probably too close to the other)is a timing issue. This is a prologue because it happens years before the rest of the novel. There is this scene, then a 5 month gap to pick up with other MC (Falcon) who is only 5 at the time, and then a 17 year gap before chapter 1. Karsh does not reappear until Chapter 3 and then he does so under a different name.

Also, there is a whole outline for another story related to the attack at Isnitart. But the reader needs to know about it because the attack sets the stage for a lot of the action in this story.

I had taken the prologue off at one point but then I ended up doing too much telling later to explain why certain things have occurred with Falcon.

So any further thoughts would be helpful.
 

Let me get one thing straight. Though this is not the end of the prologue, it is the end (or nearly so) of Karsh's part in the prologue, right? You need to give him more page space. If this isn't the end of Karsh's part of the prologue, than I would suggest making it the end.

You also might want to consider whether introducing the main POV character of later chapters into the prologue so heavily is such a good idea. Maybe it is, maybe not, but it seems to be cramping your actual prologue a bit.

Anyways, think about it for a bit. I'll have more time soon.
 

"(Villagename) lay in ruins.

Karsh looked at the wasteland that was his rightful kingdom and tried to decide whether the survivors were the lucky ones, or not. They faced only the prospect of war, of mercenary bands and ragged armies ravaging Sabbatus (that's a name I'd change, too; too close to Sabbat/Sabbath).

Maybe the ones who'd died whin Isintart had been vapourized were the lucky ones.

"Karsh!"

The boy turned, jarred from thought by the General's shout. His arms tightened around his sister.

It was time to move on; time to keep one step ahead of the other squabbling claimants to a ruined throne. Time to find a place to hide; a place to wait...."