Hatrack River Writers Workshop: An Incident at Belden Springs

This is topic An Incident at Belden Springs in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Smaug (Member # 2807) on :

These are the first thirteen lines of my western/horror story tentatively titled as mentioned above. Please give me your thoughts. Thanks!

The entire village lay in smoking ruins. Kelton had seen to that. Now, he gazed upon the carnage in grim satisfaction--men, women, and children decapitated and worse. His orders had been to round up the bucks and take them prisoner. Kelton was not in the habit of keeping Indians alive. He took no prisoners.
Not that the locals would object too strenuously. The Arapaho and others had been attacking the outlying pioneers for the last two years, the young warriors raiding seemingly at will.And then there was that dance they’d been doing–the Ghost Dance, Kane, one of his scouts, had called it. Supposed to bring back the dead, he’d said. Kelton smiled. Not likely–there’d be no more raiding by this group. The clatter of hooves drew his attention away from the encampment. Six riders approached. The man in

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 05, 2006).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I am finding a lot to like here. Clear, interesting.

I think I'd enjoy it more if MC weren't thoroughly evil.

One thing I think would improve it greatly: tell me *before* I wonder, where we are and what's up. (I didn't know the victims were Indians until end of paragraph 1; what century we were in until paragraph 2.) It should be easy enough:

The Arapaho village lay in smoking ruins. Captain Kelton had seen to that.

Captain Kelton gaze in grim satisfaction on the smoking ruins of the Arapaho village.

(The last version doesn't make me wonder who's seeing the smoking ruins.)

Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

I'm hooked. I don't mind the MC being evil (though I secretly hope he gets his comeuppance.)

In the first paragraph, I'd combine the fourth and fifth sentences to "...take them prisoner, but Kelton was...", but that's a very minor nit.

Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :

You should Google "Ghost Dance", and read the first article that comes up. See if the Ghost Dance will really fit your story.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

What Will said about adding the MC's rank and the name of the massacred people within the village.

You also might want to take one or two of the hyphens away from the second paragraph and replace them either with colons, or semi colons. (the first one is necessary. The two that come afterwards I'm not too sure).

But all of that's nitpicking. Otherwise, it works very well.

I, too, hope Kelton gets his comeuppance, but I suspect we're meant to root for Ryan.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You need to establish Kelton's viewpoint sooner. By beginning with an image that would seem obviously repellent and then mentioning that "Kelton" is responsible, you make it very difficult for us to accept him as the viewpoint character.

"Kelton smiled as he gazed over the smoking ruin of the Arapaho village."

Bam, we know what he's looking at and exactly how he feels about it.

Aside from that, it seems like a pretty solid opening. I'd want an explanation of how someone like him got put in charge pretty soon. There are basically two paths to advancement in a military heirarchy, the more important one is substantial agreement with one's superiors. Since it appears that Kelton is in disagreement with his superiors, you need to show that either this "disagreement" is a polite fiction or that Kelton's tactical abilities are superlative. You have a page or so to show me which, so it isn't an issue with the opening per se, but I thought I'd mention it.

Posted by Smaug (Member # 2807) on :

Thanks everyone for all your good comments. This will definitely help me improve my story.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Great intro. The only thing I'd add to the comments you've alreafy received is some clarification that he'd ignored the orders because it didn't fit with his view on Indians. Just a touch more connection in the opening would be great especially since I am sure the disconnect between his actions and orders will get addressed with what happens next. How long is the story?

Posted by Smaug (Member # 2807) on :

It's short, a little over 1100 words right now. About the disconnect. consider John Chivington who was the ringleader of the Sand Creek Massacre ( an infamous event historically, involving annihilation of a peaceful group of Cheyenne). While he was vilified by the military, the local citizens supported him. My main character is fictional, but I've drawn upon Chivington and others of his ilk to create this composite, and as the story progresses, the reader finds out that what his superiors think becomes meaningless to him. And yes, he gets his just deserves--unlike most his real-life counterparts--at least in this life.