Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Effective War, redux

This is topic Effective War, redux in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :

Science fiction, 3000 words. (Yes!) Looking for critiques on the whole thing and on the first 13 lines.

quote:
Captain Hollywood pulled himself back up to his console. "Their ships have purple lasers!" he raged. "Why didn't we know? What have those bed-wetting MI slobs been doing, playing with tinker toys?"
Langley Davis stared at his own console, wondering who would be stupid enough to speak up. Sure enough, Mackey did.
"Sir, it's not the purple that's doing it."
"Oh?" the Captain snorted. "What's this here on my console about our shields being at twenty percent? I suppose green did that?"
"Um, sir, we've had purple shields for a while now." Somebody hand this guy a shovel, thought Langley as Mackey pressed on, apparently intent on rediscovering China. "Mr. Davis figured out how to get them at two simultaneous wavelengths..."

Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :

I kept laughing at the images (especially the idea of purple lasers being so very important), so I'm going to assume this is a parody and review it as such. (And if it wasn't a parody I'm truly sorry I assumed it was. Please forgive me.)

The first sentence threw me. I had a hard time picturing the action.

I don't usually say this, but I think there's too much dialogue and not enough explaining. Some of the questions that went through my head: What is MI? What is green? Is it a group or an item or a joke? By "them" does he mean the shields or the colors or (I know this is a stretch) the enemy?

The phrase "apparently intent on rediscovering China" threw me out of the story. It didn't seem to fit and didn't convey any meaningful information to me in context. That's probably just me, though.

[This message has been edited by Keeley (edited March 02, 2006).]

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I agree with Keeley -- hopefully this is a farce. I'm figuring it has to be with Capt. Hollywood and purple lasers.

It is a humorous opening. The "China" comment also stuck out for me. It just doesn't quite work.

Didn't see much else to comment on.

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

Much better.

The first thing that glared at me was the name CPT Hollywood. If this is his real name, it might be too cheesy for me to finish the story. If it's a nickname the crew uses, that'd be fine, but I think we should be told that up front, or learn the nickname later.

The colors are odd, but I'm OK with them as long as the next thing I read is Mackey (or maybe Davis) explaining why color matters.

One part that I find confusing, is the "we've had purple shields for a while now" along with "how to get them at two simultaneous wavelengths." I'm assuming "them" refers to the shields, but it seems oddly worded. If I'm correct, maybe something like "Mr. Daivs figured out how to adjust the shields against purple." Then, an ensuing explanation of all the colors can mention the details (just make sure its not an info dump).

As for China, I liked it. Maybe "digging your way to China" isn't commonly known. I'd recommend making it a little less subtle, and see if it works more for others.

Oh, btw, I'm interested in reading the whole thing (pjp@gentoo.org).

[This message has been edited by pjp (edited March 02, 2006).]

Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :

Great. I'll send it as soon as I get home tonight.

I hope like heck nobody takes it as anything other than a parody, because if they did, they'd think I was really, really stupid.

Thanks for the comments so far, everybody.

[This message has been edited by trousercuit (edited March 02, 2006).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It's clearly parody...but it doesn't seem quite humorous enough. I'm not sure why. Maybe you need a bit of cheeky narration to lead in or something.

Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :

Frankly, I agree with Survivor. It's not that funny, but in some ways humorous. No, actually it's the stupidity that makes this story funny. Yeah, I agree with the "somebody get this guy a shovel" and the China part. I think it threw everybody a little off. The Captain Hollywood, isn't that origional. There have been so many Captain something or others, that this name is just not as appealing as it would've been if it were origional. To me, this story sort of sounds like a movie, or a video game, or a comic book. But not a real-life happening, unless you're talking about aliens or something... But, if it's going somewhere, I'm sure the plot will be fine.