Hatrack River Writers Workshop: An Old-Fashioned Girl

This is topic An Old-Fashioned Girl in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

Here is a sketch for a short story. I would enjoy receiving any kind of feedback. Please note, some may take offense at a mild erotic reference.

"An Old-Fashioned Girl," first 13 lines:

###
I must have looked lonely.

From across the church basement, she was staring at me. With blue eyes too beautiful for words, she looked at me through round, gold-rimmed glasses, her perfectly sculpted face framed by short, golden hair. Boldly, she smiled at me. My heart skipped a beat, my face flushed, and I was captivated. My face still burning, my lips and cheeks moved into a smile directed at the wonder in front of me. The vision led to fantasies, those thoughts led to stirrings, and I was very glad then for the tablecloth hiding my lap.

This was beyond dangerous. My wife would return any moment with our nine-month-old son.
###

Thanks for reading! I look forward to your comments, suggestions, critiques, or ideas.

All the best,

PMoore

Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :

I find it hard to believe that he gets an erection just because she smiles at him. Especially if he's married.

He sounds like a perv, in other words. Not somebody I'd care to read about any further. The blush is fine; let him blush if need be. But the erection is over the top.

Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :

quote:
This was beyond dangerous. My wife would return any moment with our nine-month-old son.

This is where it starts to get interesting. I think the long description of the girl could be cut shorter (especially if this is for a short story). Also, I immediately wonder what makes the MC notice this other woman and where this whole thing is going.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'm not gripped yet, because I'm afraid he's like the man in Fatal Attraction: looking for a weekend diversion. A bored man willing to throw his life away for entertainment won't interest me; a Doctor Zhivago might.

I think the erection thing can be fixed by having MC surprised at his own reaction. This also intensifies the encounter: she's *surprisingly* attractive.

Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

Thanks for the input!

Is this better:

I must have looked lonely.
From across the church basement, she was staring at me. With blue eyes too beautiful for words, she looked at me through round, gold-rimmed glasses, her perfectly sculpted face framed by short, golden hair. Boldly, she smiled at me. My heart skipped a beat, my face flushed, and I was captivated. My face still burning, my lips and cheeks moved into a smile directed at the wonder in front of me. Completely caught off-guard, nevertheless my body responded, and I was embarrassed at my own reaction. I was glad for the tablecloth covering my lap.
This was beyond dangerous. My wife would return any moment with our nine-month-old son.

Which version is better?

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

The embarrassment at his own physical reaction makes him look more like a victim (of sorts), and less like a philanderer, so it makes for a much more sympathetic initial reaction (which is important, given the setting - I would like to know why there are a bunch of people in the church basement...). On those grounds, the second version is an improvement.

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

The sentences flow smoother as well. I like the second better.

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

I agree the second version is improved, but the entire description of the girl and his reaction is a bit over the top for me.

"smile directed at the wonder in front of me" -- hyperbole

The description of the girl is cliched: "eyes too beautiful for words" and "perfectly sculpted face"

Tone down the "perfectness" of the random female stranger smiling at him and his seemingly adolescent response.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

...or have him aware that his reactions might seem over the top.

Posted by LMermaid (Member # 2778) on :

In the first three sentences, you describe the girl looking at the narrator three times: "she was staring at me," "she looked at me," "she smiled at me." I found this opening a little repetetive.

I didn't have a problem with the narrator's reaction, although I think having him embarrassed at his own reaction adds a sympathetic touch.

Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :

"Boldly" bothers me. People only smile "boldly" at someone else in bodice rippers.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Looks to me as if the ripping of bodices is on the cards, though

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

How about

__
She smiled at me and boldy, I smiled back.
____

After all it is he who is doing wrong, so to speak.

Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

Hi guys,

Thanks for your excellent comments and suggestions!

PMoore

Posted by zipperhead409 (Member # 3268) on :

It was an improvement in the technical department but it just didn't seem to flow as well as your first post.

I agree that the erection was a little over the top too though.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I think that the problem is that it's too prosaic. Why don't you try describing the fantasy? It doesn't have to be anything pornographic, he could be imagining a picnic at the seashore with both of them dressed up in Victorian fashions (not my thing) or perhaps a more medieval or renaissance sequence. I don't think that you want to go with outright fantasy or with anything futuristic, given what you've got so far, but you could.

To make something like that work better, you could initially describe the mundane reality of the setting a little better than saying it was in a church basement. Then his sudden flight of fancy is a bit more interesting and has a context.

Or you could do the reverse, start in the fantasy and have him awaken to the reality, but that raises it's own problems.

Posted by EmilyAsAlways (Member # 3323) on :

Did you know that Louisa May Alcott (the woman who wrote Little Women) wrote a novel called An Old Fashioned Girl? This is the first thing I thought of when I saw the title (and Alcott is famous enough that probably a lot of other people would, too). Was this your intention?

The Alcott novel was, if I remember correctly, about a prissy, prim-and-proper little girl who visited another family and managed to convert the daughters of the house into equally prim, proper, and prudish characters. If it was your intention to invoke thoughts of Alcott's novel, this might actually work well--I would love to see the "old fashioned girl" turn out differently...