Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Survivor: Revised

This is topic The Survivor: Revised in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by zipperhead409 (Member # 3268) on :

Cutting off everything leading up to this was like cutting off one of my arms... but here you go. I hope this works better.

This is currently a 2,697 word story. I'd like to get critiqued on the rest of it if anyone's interested.

It’s been three weeks of duty and I still haven’t seen any combat. Two years of training for this, I think to myself. The air is hot and humid as it always is. It’s also raining as it always is. I let my head fall back against the tree I’m leaning against and watch as tiny needles of rain roll off the leaves and onto the ground. I try not to think about how much I want a cigarette.

The pitter patter of rain drops drown out the clicking of crickets and my thoughts of Anna. The weather here in Vietnam is almost schizophrenic, intervals of rain that’ll last half an hour every fifteen minutes or so. My poncho keeps most of it from getting onto my fatigues but it’s pointless when you’re sitting in the dirt.

[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited February 25, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 26, 2006).]

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

Having read the other after this one, I prefer the 'departing' scene. I'm not saying I like its execution, but it interests me about what might happen next (as long as we don't spend a long time getting to the point where he's sitting under the tree).

As for this version, I'm not compelled. I'm not certain, but perhaps there is too much 'up front' time about describing his boredom. Maybe get to the noise sooner, and return to introspection later.

Posted by duv2 (Member # 3026) on :

Why not start with the last sentence? - which was a hook for me.

I find it difficult reading through an opening description of how bored someone is.

I also found it difficult to keep track of your tense.

Posted by dckafka (Member # 3258) on :

I agree with Duv. You last line really grabs and there's no reason why you can't lead with it.

Sitting in the mud instead of sitting in the dirt? Conveys the idea of wet underfoot as well as from on high.

I think you can drop the "here" from "The weather here in Vietnam....". I'll know you're in Vietnam and the "here" breaks the sentence flow a bit.

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

I like this intro. A lot. Your hook, for me, is both the rustle in the leaves and that you're describing a real place I've never been to, but am curious about. So I can get into the description. Besides, it's not like he's "just sitting there" for any length of time. It'll contrast well with the action that's up ahead. (Bear in mind I haven't read your previous opening.)

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Except for the last line, it reads like a news report. You're TELLING us about his experience, why not show it? Put him in a dire situation. It's wet. Ok, so tell us about how his feet are tormented with the itch of fungus - how he plucks leeches from his body and what it feels like - how the air smells of the stench of death or how even the rain has the sulpherous smell of exploding shells.

Posted by zipperhead409 (Member # 3268) on :

Two Questions:

How can I fix the execution?

What is it about my word tense that's awkard?

[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited February 25, 2006).]

Posted by zipperhead409 (Member # 3268) on :

I didn't want to start yet another thread so here are 13 lines after "the rustle in the leaves"

Thanks for all your comments btw, I was doubtful at first but I think you guys may be on to something.

Note from Kathleen:

Please only 13 lines in manuscript format (12-point courier font) per story. Not 13 lines per post.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 26, 2006).]

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

WOW!!! I think this is an incredible improvement! Still a few little rough edges, but by and large MUCH better. Nice going. Keep it up!

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

Much better. Something is happening to him.

Now you just have to put the background back in (a little of it) so that we know where he is and what he's doing.

Posted by duv2 (Member # 3026) on :

I agree this is much improved. Sorry for not being more clear about the “tense” in the first 13 - on rereading I think what bothered me was with starting with talking about the past, then being thrown into the present 2 sentences in. Technically nothing was wrong, I don’t think, it was just a little disconcerting for me. This is not an issue in the next 13.

I can’t help but wonder if the last paragraph in this one would be “tighter” if you got rid of some of the “the’s”. I stumbled over them. Just my two cents…

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Your use of present tense is solid and technically competent, but I don't see it as helpful. It puzzled some of the reviewers so far as well. I think you should ask yourself if you have a definite reason for telling the story in first person present tense.

Some of the details of the action and plot you describe undermine my confidence in your story. For a story dealing with this subject matter, it's very important to show that you know what you're writing about. This falls just on the outside...it doesn't set off my BS alarm, but I didn't quite buy it either.

Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :

Good writing, but do your research. No soldier, or marine would be separated from his weapon in a combat zone, not even for one second, not even when asleep. Also no soldier or marine ever calls a rifle a gun. Rifle or more commonly weapon is the correct word. And finally M16s don't make any noise when they run out of ammo. The bolt locks to the rear automatically and there is only silence. I liked the second round alot. Keep going.

Posted by thayerds (Member # 3260) on :

Sorry, one more thing, its not a clip, its called a magazine. I know it seems trite, but there are alot of veterans out there and I can guaratee you alot of soldiers and marines read SF.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

This is gripping. Cool.

What Survivor said about present tense. (I also note that according to OSC, and I think he's right, present tense is a trademark of "literary" fiction: it distinguishes it from "popular." Know thine audience. Is this to be published in the Blank Review, or a pop magazine?

Nits:

My brain tells me to reach for my gun but my hands feel paralyzed.

This might well happen with me, but soldiers are trained to overcome their reluctance to fire. Ask a soldier if it's realistic; I'm not sure.

I wait for death to come but nothing happens.

This I can't believe at all -- or else I want an explanation of how we ended up with a soldier who passively waits for death.

The deafening sound of my M-16 causes the alarm inside to break out into a siren. A spotlight revolves around in the rain before finding it’s way onto me. I keep shooting until I hear the click of an empty clip.

When did he start shooting? Oh. I missed that word "my." Even so, it sounds like the M-16 just started up of its own accord. I think this will work better as: "I aim and fire. The deafening sound..." Also, one thing MC will definitely be perceiving: did he hit the enemy? Or can he not tell? That's what I want to know about -- and that's what he's thinking about.

Why did he keep shooting? Running out of ammo firing blind doesn't sound wise. If he's unwise, I want some indication.

Posted by Tanglier (Member # 1313) on :

"A rustle in the leaves woke me from fantasies of cigarettes and sex."

Is a fine way to start a novel. If I were you. It start here and run with it. I shortened the sentence a bit.

[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited February 26, 2006).]

Posted by RedSakana (Member # 3127) on :

Along the lines of what thayerds was saying ("Good writing but do your research"), schizophrenic is probably not the appropriate term to describe the intervals of rain. Schizophrenia is a cognitive and emotional disorder that is characterized by hallucinations (voices inside your head, visions, bugs crawling on your skin) and delusions (e.g., you think you people are out to get you, or you think you're Jesus). It sounds like the weather you are describing is more manic depressive (periods of intense activity followed by extreme lethargy).