Hey, I'd like some feedback on "Like Something From A Twilight Zone..." a post-nuclear war story, written to be distnctly Twilight Zone-esque. It won't make sense for a while, but if I can post more and more of my story here, you can all see what's going on. Well, if anyone can give me feedback on the very beginning, I'd appreciate it! Thanks!
Like Something From A Twilight Zone...
“Captain Benteen!” A voice shot across the broad, dusty parade ground. A gangly figure loped across the warm asphalt, and skidded to a halt just within the shadow of a large steel and concrete bunker. A figure leaning against the wall beckoned quickly to the man. “You wanted to see me, sir?” The tall man asked breathlessly. “Yes. Got a new mission for you. I would have called you inside, but the air conditioner’s toast. It’s too glowin’ hot for chit chat, so I’ll get straight to the point. There’s a village about a hundred miles southwest of here; messenger just came from there this morning....
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Whose POV is this in? Let us know quickly, I think. "Figure" and "the man" won't interest me, but a particular person and his struggle will.
Posted by Dave Andersson (Member # 3255) on :
Yeah, if I were allowed to post double this line count, the story would make a little more sense. If anyone wants to read the whole thing, and give me better feedback, that'd be cool.
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
I'll read it and save first 13 comments for the full crit. Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
One thing that is really confusing is that you call Benteen a “figure” and then refer to a second person leaning against the wall also as a “figure.” At least, that’s how I read it.
Then there are the “man” and the “tall man” in two consecutive sentences.
Names, please, use names so we can figure out how many people are actually involved here.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it's too short
