This is topic Crime, and unfair justice(or that's what it was to me) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.
This is a comedy. Sort of an exaggerate part of my childhood that I knew that i would look back one day and laugh out at these things. Today is that day.
The beatings in my life are countless. And I actually feel quite proud that it had taken so many to break my stubborn side. My mother and I had grown accustomed to the traditional process in which I would receive my punishment for whatever it was that I had done wrong. I had even created my own steps to survive the process:
Step one: act like a man, and make your case why you should not be punished.
“No, please! I…I swear I won’t do it again! I swear…I’ll be good!”
I would always think that my pleading got through, for she would reply in a calm voice, “So you’re not going to do it again? You promise?”
Well? What do you think?
[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited February 13, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 14, 2006).]
Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :
I think it's considerably longer than 13 lines. By my estimation, courier 12 pt with 1" margins, it ends around "I nodded my head."
Otherwise, it could be funny. One thing to take into consideration, is that relying directly on people you know well could have negative consequences (check out OSC's Characters & Viewpoint). If you're writing for the experience and personal enjoyment, then it may not matter.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
It's not the least bit funny to me; it's gut-wrenching. Of course, that can make a good story, too.
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
Beating children? Not very comical to me. Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :
Maybe I need more than just 13 lines, but it seems kind of sick to make comedy out of child abuse.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It might be funny if you reveal that he's not actually getting anything more than a tongue lashing during these "beatings". Given what we have of step one, that seems probable.
But you might need to establish the character a little better, both the narrator and his younger self (if this is indeed in a retrospective mode). You're jumping in too fast without creating a context, which is what's really hurting you.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
The first sentence kept me from laughing. It made me feel sad and sorry for the main character. Then, when I read step one, the attempt to lighten the mood made me feel even sorrier for a person who it seemed, to me, was trying to laugh his way out of a bad situation.
I suck at comedy, so i can't tel you what would make it funny, only why it didn't work for me. Best of luck...comedy is the most difficult art to master, IMHO.
