Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Effective War

This is topic Effective War in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :

Does this grab you? I just started it.

quote:
The Captain pulled himself back up to his console. “Purple!” he raged. “Why didn't we know? What have those bed-wetting MI slobs been doing, playing with tinker toys?”
Langley Davis stared at his own console, wondering who would be stupid enough to answer. Sure enough, Mackey spoke up.
“Sir, it's not the purple that's doing it.”
“Oh? What's this here on my console about our shields being at twenty percent? I suppose green did that?” He snorted.
“Um, sir, we've had our shields at purple for a while now.” Somebody hand this guy a shovel, thought Langley. “Mr. Davis figured out how to get them at two simultaneous wavelengths.” Great, Mackey, drag me into your hole. “The problem is those little yellow twisty things around the main purple laser shaft.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 12, 2006).]

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Interesting, but I'm not exactly sure what's going on. I can't tell if "the purple" is the level of shielding or something impacting upon the shielding or some kind of laser. It appears to be all three. If you're suggesting various EM wavelengths, it needs to be clearer.

Some indication of setting would help. Are they on a ship? a base? a planet? IS it a military research facility?

It would also help if the dialogue is tagged with the speakers' names, and separated from Davis' thoughts.

You've probably got a good idea running loose in there, it just needs some cleaning up to make it flow better.

Posted by ethersong (Member # 3216) on :

It sounds really interesting and I would totally be hooked if I there weren't so many terms in there that have absolutely no meaning to me. I like the pace of it and it will most likely be hard to explain the terms without slowing it down, but if I have no clue what's going on, then it doesn't do much good. Perhaps, just subsitute more common words at first then you can throw in the more specialized terms later. I don't know how it works in the story so I don't know the best way to do this though.

Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :

I'm not sure how much to give away, but purple and green are not technical terms. They're exactly what they sound - just colors. (Well, there's the bit about purple being two colors, which really is true in the EM spectrum, but that's it.)

It might help that I've decided to name the captain Captain Hollywood.

krazy: Thanks for the advice, especially on tagging. I want Langley's thoughts interspersed with Mackey's speech, and I was wondering how best to do it.

By the way, Kathleen, the text fit exactly into the post box when I started the thread. I'm using Firefox. I've just counted the "Message" box on the "Post New Topic" page, and it's 14 lines for me. Looks like a cross-browser problem.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

<SIGH!>

And just when I thought we'd found a solution!

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Ditto on having 14 lines. I, too, use Firefox, and get 14 lines in the post box.

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

quote:
I want Langley's thoughts interspersed with Mackey's speech, and I was wondering how best to do it.

I understand, but it bounces back and forth too much in one paragraph. Suggestion:

“Um, sir, we've had our shields at purple for a while now.” Mackey said.

Langley shook his head. Get a bigger shovel, Mack, you'll need it, he thought.

Mackey blundered on: “Mr. Davis figured out how to get them at two simultaneous wavelengths. The problem is those little yellow twisty things around the main purple laser shaft."

Great, Mackey, drag me in with you. Langely gave him a hard look. I'm going to use a shovel on your head if you don't shut up, he thought.

See the difference? Just an idea...

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It didn't grab me. It's just not funny enough to be comedy, and not believable enough to be anything else.

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

Normally, interspersing one characters thoughts with another's speech doesn't work for me. At all. But this did, very well in fact. So congrats, for what it's worth. It fits well with your style.

I like how you've named things with colors. While I know that the characters are supposed to know exactly what they're talking about, there's still the sense that nobody really understands what they're saying. Just like Hollywood. It worked for me.

What didn't work is that I didn't understand what purple was supposed to be. At first it sounds like the color of maybe an attacking ship or attacking something, but then you say you have your shields "at purple." Does that mean the shields are purple (what it sounds like), or perhaps that they're set to block purple? If it's something like the latter, I suggest you clarify.

[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited February 15, 2006).]

Posted by trousercuit (Member # 3235) on :

Been away a while...smitten by a confluence of class project due dates...

Anyway, thanks! After making some clarifications (in the text and in my mind) I've decided the story idea and characters work and work together. I'm targeting 3000 for a change.