As I walked down the hall brushing past all my schoolmates, I saw him. The hottest guy that like ever existed. I had such a crush on him, but i could never bring myslef to tell him. He walked with such grace and poise that i felt like fainting. My friends all told me to tell him, but whenever im around me i get this feeling in my stomach thats like 10 times worse than butterflies. I am always wondering if thats a sign that i shouldnt talk to him, but I try to push the thought out of my head. Besides, i dont HAVE to tell him just because i like him. Theres no rule book saying that.. right?
Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :
Woops, sorry, it supposed to be
"whenever im around him" sorry!
(third line down)
Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :
myself is misspelled He was the hottest guy Capitalize your "I" 's Make it all present tense.
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
Hm...I wasn't exactly hooked. For me, grace, poise, and "hotness" just don't go together. Also, if I were you, I'd try not to use "like" for that purpose. You might also like to touch up on the grammar before you submit it.
(By the way, you can edit your posts. Just click the pencil and paper icon above it.)
Posted by Leigh (Member # 2901) on :
Wow, a lot of grammatical errors that I have seen.
quote:but whenever im around me i get this feeling in my stomach thats like 10 times worse than butterflies
To my knowledge numbers are usually written. Not as a number but as a word. So for 10 it's ten. Simple and easy to remember, I hope. If anyone disagrees with me on that then blast me for it, lol.
You should capitalise all your "i"s for it made it hard to read.
quote:I saw him. The hottest guy that like ever existed
Hottest? Is this from a teens perspective? Grace and Poise? Those words do not mix well with Hottest. If you wanted to tell us he was the hottest guy while using "grace and poise" would be handomse or charming.
The way it's written is that you are just talking to us, not telling a story. I guess I'm possibly also guilty of this, I don't know, but try and tell us through a story perspective. I do know it's 1st person but try.
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
Leigh - I'm pretty sure you're right. Numbers aren't written numerically, but as words in stories.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I demur from the suggestion for present tense. It doesn't seem at all natural in this voice.
Voice is cool. It wouldn't be my kind of story, I think, but I'm not sure. If I were reading this, I'd read on to see what happened.
Posted by Jessica (Member # 3099) on :
This has a lot of potential. An important thing to remember: Show don't tell. (I've been told this almost a half a million times just this year). An example of how you can show not tell: You tell that he is the hottest guy--but it's better to show it. Say why the MC thinks he is hot. Is it his stunning blue eyes? His charming smile? His muscled arms? Telling that he is hot doesn't convey as much imagery as showing it--if you show it the reader can visualize it. Also, avoid saying things exactly as everyone else says it. Everyone describes the feelings of a crush as butterflies in the stomach--it'd be stronger if you thought of a new way to describe it. The second to last line confused me? What doesn't she have to tell him? You should tell it because it is confusing. Just remember all the grammar that everyone else is talking about. I'm sure your story has plenty of potential. Posted by Choccido (Member # 3299) on :
Yeah, it just sounds like another diary entry to me. When you're saying "like", don't forget to put commas after it. By then way, if it is a diary entry, most people want to say more by writing less, so you don't even need to put the "like"s in, because there are other ways of making her sound like a teenager without making her say "like" every three seconds. Just a thought, but you might want to speel check, and check your grammar before you post it so it makes it easier for readers to.... Actually read. Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
What will this be? Nonfiction, of course, but about how long, and for what purpose -- telling a story?
