Harry surveyed the pretty trees and inhaled the autumn wind. I’m almost happy, just watching. It was almost enough to make him think that maybe today could be like every other day. Maybe I could sit back down on the bench and watch the leaves some more. The wind stung his cheeks. He had forgotten his scarf. Harry reached into the pocket of his jacket until his fingers brushed icy steel. He had remembered the gun. Today the gun was all that mattered.

Harry walked across the street. The Calypso Club was as ugly as the park was pretty; what happened inside as dirty as the park outside was pure. Harry knew. He had been watching for three weeks.

[This message has been edited by J (edited February 06, 2006).]
 

You used "almost" in two adjoining sentences. Again, a weak word like pretty or nice.

 

Other than that, I liked it up until the gun came into it...it's *hard* to judge these things on thirteen lines or less...
 

It's hard to judge anything on 13 lines. If that's a subtle way of volunteering, there are a couple of hundred more lines I could send your way (~1500 words).
 

On hook: It's okay, but I think it could be a lot stronger. You might consider reordering this so that we know right away that Harry is watching the club from across the street. He's been doing it for three weeks, right? And today is a special day because he brought his gun this time. Perhaps the development of the gun can wait a while longer; for my money, it's far more interesting to learn that he's stalking someone in the club (if that is indeed happening) or simply watching. It makes Harry obsessive in an intriguing way. The gun makes him psychotic, perhaps, and doesn't build much sympathy, really.

Them's my thoughts.

I do take much issue with the first sentence. "...inhaled the autumn wind", frankly, is an awkward choice of phrasing in my opinion. If it's autumn, then you might consider developing the month, time of day, whatever. There's plenty of time for Harry to take deep breaths later, and loads of time for the gun to make its appearance. But, again, consider starting with the club-watching (rather than tree watching) and then develop the overall setting in full.
 

I paused at the first "pretty" wondering why it was used, but if a plain style is wanted it could be pulled off. However, an editor isn't likely to give it that chance.

As already pointed out, using 'almost' twice will be frowned on.

The first sentence gives setting and the MC's name, but could be improved to be a more effective hook.

Send what you have my way if you're up to it.
 

"pretty trees" - "Pretty" is too abstract. If you could find an adjective that reflects the state of mind of the character, that would be a better choice for a first sentence.

"I'm almost happy" - The internal monologue conveys lassitude, instead of happiness. "almost" and "watching" make him sound indecisive and passive. That continues with the next sentence. If this is your intent, you should use a stronger narrative voice to communicate it.

Mentioning the wind twice weakens both instances.

"Today the gun was all that mattered" sounds a little melodramatic.

In the last paragraph, stay away from the general adjectives. Since you are contrasting the park with the Calypso, you might bump up the descriptions of the park more, then indirectly communicate that the Calypso is none of these.
 

[This message has been edited by J (edited February 11, 2006).]
 

It's actually a good way to flesh out a scene. You can convey quite a bit about a characters motivations and their state of mind by the elements they focus upon. For example, if you want to show that a character is about ready to perform a task they don't wish to do, you might have them notice a child fighting against their mother, or a sailboat turning into the wind. Then your descriptions communicate on multiple levels, but if the writing is too simple, it will start to sound like a Mickey Spillane detective novel.

[This message has been edited by jtcarroll (edited February 12, 2006).]