__________
Life was cold, cruel, and harsh. I hated it.

“Traitor Poltor, present yourself before the Council.”

I shambled over into the spotlight in the middle of the room. The chains around my wrists and ankles wore away my skin. Blood already slicked the iron around my right foot. I was fortunate that was my only injury, so far.

“Traitor Poltor, you are hereby sentenced to life in the traitor’s cage without possibility of appeal, the pleasure of sunlight, or the presence of another human soul ever again. Your name will be stricken from the records, and you will easily be forgotten. As the law declares, you have the right to make one last statement before your life is erased. Speak up, or your peace shall be forever held.”
_____________
 

Otherwise, this works pretty well for me. I'd like to know what his specific crime was though, because I'm left in the dark about it.
 

Although, along the lines of Ray's post, I think it could do without the first sentence. It sound whiny, and from what follows it is very clearly painted that life is what the first sentence says.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is... The first sentence is not needed in my opinion.

Not to be redundant or anything. :)

[This message has been edited by zephyr (edited February 05, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by zephyr (edited February 05, 2006).]
 

Re: "...you will easily be forgotten" I'd like to see you bring more emotional weight to this statement. "...you will be forever forgotten" <or> "...no memory of you will remain". Being remembered after death, either through your actions or what you leave behind, is probably one of the basic human needs and the thought of being totally obliterated from history would be a terrible punishment.

It's a great start. I'd like to read more.

[This message has been edited by Aspirations (edited February 05, 2006).]
 

I would read on.
 

Life wasn't just cold, cruel and harsh. I hated it.

-OR-

I hated this cold, cruel and harsh life.

The reason I like something like this included (just not the very beginning) is because we're hearing it from the character.
 

_________
“Traitor Poltor, show yourself before the Council.”

I shambled over into the spotlight in the middle of the room. The chains around my wrists and ankles wore away my skin. Blood already slicked the iron around my right foot. I was fortunate that was my only injury, so far.

“Traitor Poltor, you are hereby sentenced to life in the traitor’s cage for treason against the Great Republic without possibility of appeal, the pleasure of sunlight, or the presence of another human soul ever again. Your name will be stricken from the records, and you will—easily—be forgotten. As the law declares you have the right to make one last statement before your life is erased. Speak up, or your peace shall be forever held.”
_______

[This message has been edited by KillerDonut (edited February 05, 2006).]
 

The only thing that bugs me about this is actually the last line: "Speak up, or your peace shall be forever held." Sounds too much like the wedding "Speak now or forever hold your peace" and I kept getting this mental image of this brusied and bloodied groom standing before the altar begging someone to spare him from this miserable fate of having to marry this woman.
 

I suppose the reason that I liked the original first line best was that it gave me an idea of what the MC was thinking as this was happening. With the dialogue as the first line, I don't get that at all. All I get is that this character is in a bad situation, but I really don't know what he's thinking about it. With the original first line there, I know this character is definitely not happy with his present situation and I want to know why, so I keep reading.
 

Drop the first line and the first dialogue. Then let us know who's speaking to Traitor Poltor and why he's a traitor.

Otherwise, nice.
 

___________
Justice failed me.

“Traitor Poltor, show yourself before the Council.”

I shambled over into the spotlight in the middle of the room. The chains around my wrists and ankles wore away my skin. Blood already slicked the iron around my right foot. I was fortunate that was my only injury, so far.

“Traitor Poltor, you are hereby sentenced to life in the traitor’s cage for treason without possibility of appeal, the pleasure of sunlight, or the presence of another human soul ever again. Your name will be stricken from the records, and you will easily be forgotten. As the law declares you have the right to make one last statement before your life is erased. Speak up, or your peace shall be forever held.”
__________

I was wondering how long it would take for someone to say something about my last line Jaina. I just thought it was an interesting twist on the phrase that fit.
 

I thought that sounded weird. It seems to me that it would sound better if you just left it at "without any possibility of appeal." The rest doesn't sound like it would be found in a court.
 

I won't get into the technicalities of what is and isn't applealable, but I need to give a brief description of appellate theory and criminal procedure to make my point:
1) Appellate theory
One of the most fundamental principles of American and English law is that errors of law are always appealable, and the appellate court has broad discretion to find and correct errors in the trial judge's conception or application of the law. ("de novo" review.) Appellate courts are far more deferential to a judge's finding of fact, and more deferential still when facts are found by a jury. But the most basic idea is that a litigant is always entitled to have an appellate court review whether the trial judge got the law right

2) Criminal procedure
Criminal trials proceed in two distinct phases: liability and sentencing. The liability phase is usually before a jury (some exceptions exist for misdemeanors not capable of punishment by jail or by consent of the parties). The end of the liability phase is the "movie moment" when the jury foreman gives the verdict to the bailiff, and the judge reads off guilt or not-guilt for each charge. The sentencing is generally decided solely by the judge (exceptions again exist, notably in capital cases, where sentencing factors are found by a jury). In federal courts, the sentencing is an appealable matter of law.

Having gotten all of that out, here is what I find fascinating about your opening lines. The judge declares unappealability as part of the sentence. In effect, he declares that his own sentencing and the jury's determination of guilt cannot be reviewed for errors of fact or errors of law as part of the punishment for the crime. In other words, the trial judge declares that part of punishment for the crime is that the defendant is stuck with every error of law or fact made by the judge or jury, including errors about guilt and innocence or errors of sentencing.

This says some very interesting things about your society. It says that either this society does not have any meaningful sense of "due process," or that this society finds some crimes so horrific that it would rather punish innocents than risk that judicial error provide the guilty a chance at going free. Either way, you have a society whose sense of procedural justice is substantially different from our own.

Moreover, this sets up a dangerous potential for extreme corruption. If a judge has the power, by sentencing, to make his decisions unreviewable by an appellate court, nothing stops him from ignoring the law altogether to punish his enemies or favor his friends.

I'm beyond long-winded at this point, I just want to say that this opening provides the promise of an intelligent and cleverly designed fictional world.

[This message has been edited by J (edited February 06, 2006).]
 

If it was or wasn't your intent, my impression of the judicial system in this story was pretty much as J described (without all the details).
 

Justice failed me. (Strong sentence, works excellently as a hook)

I shambled into the spotlight in the middle of the room. The chains around my wrists and ankles wore away at my skin. Blood already slicked the iron around my right foot. I (or It) was fortunate that was my only injury, so far.

“Traitor Poltor, you are hereby sentenced to life in the Traitor’s Cage without possibility of appeal. (The rest can be assumed by the reader and shown later in the story) Your name will be stricken from the records; you will be forgotten. (The best way to make an impact is to make the statement clear and concise--the more words, the less the effect) As the law requires, you have the right to make one statement before your life is erased. Speak, or your peace will be held.”

I removed some of the higher language because I felt the Judge or Councilman didn't seem to care much about ceremony... it sounded like he wanted to get through with this traitor and on to the next. If I misinterpreted, and the sentencing is of more importance, then my changes are moot.

Regarding "Life was cold, cruel, and harsh.": Adjectives are great, but using them in large quantities diminishes their potency. If you were to keep this sentence (or use some other like it), I suggest cutting the two adjectives that are least needed. "Life was harsh." can grab a reader (and definitely an editor) more effectively than "Life was cold, cruel, and harsh."

For "I hated it.": That is something better off shown than told. Saying "I hated it." tends to get a "Well, duh." response from readers. Showing his hate for it and why he hates it is more intriguing and adds to the complexity of the character.

My first assumption when seeing "Traitor Poltor" was that "Traitor" was a title. Once the Councilman said "traitor's cage" my assumption was verified--no change needed there in my opinion. I capitalized "traitor's cage" in my edit, because it sounded not just like a place, but the name of the place.

I took out some words in the last line, but I think it still holds enough of the wedding line to make the average reader wonder if you phrased it intentionally.

I agree with J and pjp on the judicial system--I got a major 'corrupt' vibe.

If you have more, feel free to send it to me. I'll look at it asap.