Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Comments on first lines

This is topic Comments on first lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :

I enter with fear and trembling. No, that's not the start of the story. This story is space opera-ish as I like the old-fashioned scifi stories. Another story with the same character is prequel to this, about how the MC got into the military. Comments appreciated. The title of the story is "First Duty."

Edit: I took the line count as present in the followup post. Thanks. It was the courier font that fouled me up.

****************

Lieutenant JG Nyra Hutchings scowled at the control panel. She gave a final swipe to the autochef with a damp cloth, then glared around at the tiny, and now very clean, galley.
This was her first assignment after graduating from the Academy. She was not a little peeved that her first duty would be as a kitchen slave for the most by-the-book captain in the fleet. Captain Garrick came from Hapilous–a planet whose population grew short, humorless, and completely lacking in imagination.

Nyra chuckled when she thought about Captain Garrick. He might be a strict commanding officer, however, she had taken to reading old classics, and the captain's resemblance to a hobbit was almost uncanny. Of course, she wouldn't dare say it out loud, but she wondered if he had hairy feet.

[This message has been edited by Marva (edited February 04, 2006).]

Posted by KillerDonut (Member # 3209) on :

Your first few lines are about seven lines over thirteen so I'll wait to see how much the editor takes out before I comment more.

Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

Hi Marva,

I *love* the humor in the opening. I really like it.

The first line has to be stronger, IMO.

*Lieutenant JG Nyra Hutchings scowled at the control panel.*

This is space opera, it is humorous, but this means that the first line has to grab a little more than it does. The *control panel* reference doesn't do it for me. Could you describe the control panel? "the bright green control panel" perhaps. Or maybe, "Lt. JG Hutchings frowned, seeing a big glob of grease on the middle of the oven knob. How had she missed that on the first pass?"

Keep at it! It sounds like a fun story!

All the best,

PMoore

Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :

Sorry about the length. I took the first 13 lines of the ms (not counting blank lines) with 12pt type and 1" margins. The top part is just intro. Do I remove that?

Be gentle, this is my first time.

Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :

Marva, although interesting, I think what your opening lacks is a real hook. You're starting out with your MC doing KP duty. Is there anything you can show the reader about your MC or her situation that will immediately capture attention? What does your protagonist have at stake?

I liked how she mentally compared her captain to a hobbit, but I stumbled over this:

"He might be a strict commanding officer, however, she had taken to reading old classics, and the captain's resemblance to a hobbit was almost uncanny."

The middle clause seemed to be a disjointed thought that came out of nowhere, although I chuckled at the MC's conclusion. Could you rework the order of her thoughts to better explain how, in her mind, the captain had transitioned from a strict officer to resembling a hobbit without sticking her interest in the old classics right in the middle of the transition?

I think you've added a nice touch of humor to your protagonist's overall disgruntled state. She seems to be able to laugh at herself and her predicament. She's likable.

I'd like to read more.

Posted by KillerDonut (Member # 3209) on :

Your intro is fine. Use 12 point courier font with 1" margins whenever you are trying to determine how much is 13 lines. The courier font is very important. See this if you have any more questions about it and why we are limited to 13 lines.

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000001.html

So I think this would be your limit.

quote:
Lieutenant JG Nyra Hutchings scowled at the control panel. She gave a final swipe to the autochef with a damp cloth, then glared around at the tiny, and now very clean, galley.
This was her first assignment after graduating from the Academy. She was not a little peeved that her first duty would be as a kitchen slave for the most by-the-book captain in the fleet. Captain Garrick came from Hapilous–a planet whose population grew short, humorless, and completely lacking in imagination.
Nyra chuckled when she thought about Captain Garrick. He might be a strict commanding officer, however, she had taken to reading old classics, and the captain's resemblance to a hobbit was almost uncanny. Of course, she wouldn't dare say it out loud, but she wondered if he had hairy feet.

Now to what I have to say about the first 13 lines. I love the humour! But I aggree with what PMoore said about the first line. Maybe saying something like this "Lieutenant JG Nyra Hutchings scowled at the disgustingly clean control panel."

Keep at it. I think it's turning out well. Tell us when you have more

[This message has been edited by KillerDonut (edited February 04, 2006).]

Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :

With the edit, some of my post (above) no longer pertains, but I'll leave it, for what it's worth.

Marva, I hope I didn't sound overly critical. I'm just trying to offer some constructive comments. I know how tough it is to put your work "out there" for feedback.

I really would like to read more.

Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :

Great feedback, folks. Thank you.

On the control panel: I wanted to give the impression is was some important piece of equipment, but turns out to only be a microwave. So, didn't want to go into too much detail on what it looks like. I would even have liked to drag it on a bit further, but maybe that would be too much. I suppose some flashing red digits or something would be appropriate.

Posted by angelsnlullabies (Member # 3207) on :

Not bad. I've yet to post my first lines for fear of criticism so at the moment I'm going to wait. But I commend you for putting yours out there. I liked the humor in the opening, but I do agree that it needs to capture the attention a little more. I agree that the second sentence of the second paragraph is a little disjointed. Maybe something along the lines of "He was definitely a strict commanding officer, but she had to admit the captain's resemblance to a hobbit was almost uncanny." or something to that effect. I see why you wanted to put the "old classics" thing in there, setting the time and answering any questions the reader might have regarding the allusion, but IMO you can do without it.

"She was not a little peeved that her first duty would be as a kitchen slave for the most by-the-book captain in the fleet."

I got kind of slowed down by the wording "She was not a little..." maybe "She was more than a little..." or something. It just didn't flow as well as it could.

Again, I liked the humor, but put something in there to grab the attention.

-ash