Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First try

This is topic First try in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001733

Posted by rslevrant (Member # 3204) on :

For hard core sci-fi and fantasy fans, this will likely come as a disappointment. It would probably be called "fantasy light" as the fantasy world is not remarkably different from our own.

This is my first attempt as a novel, and I promised myself if I ever broke the hundred page mark on anything (it seemed an impossible goal) that I would seek some feedback.

Since this is now at 137 pages in 12-point courier, I'd better make good, so here are lines 1-12 (better stopping point than 13). Please share your thoughts, and keep in mind I am quite thick skinned.
------------------
Madeleine Zuckerman sits on her usual bench on the campus of Carteret University staring at Witherspoon Hall, with a sketchpad and pencil in hand. She especially likes to draw the building right after the rain. Built as a dormitory in the 1860s, ‘Spoon, as most students call it, is reminiscent of the old residential academies of European colleges. Ten years ago, the university refurbished the building to house the College of Business, after it outlived its usefulness as a residence hall. This ever changing, evolving purpose captivates Madeleine - who was still searching for her own purpose - as much as for ‘Spoon’s physical beauty.

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

Your last sentence is past tense. if it is all inpresent tense then change was to is. It doesn't grab me. It's more about the building than Madeline.

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

Generally speaking, I think it is interesting, though I agree with Susannaj4 about it not grabing me. As long as you get to Madeleine, or reveal something significant about the building, I think it would be OK.

Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :

I'm having a problem with the present tense narrative, although admittedly it may be because I am just more accustomed to past tense. Regardless, I agree with the previous comment that you need to keep the tense consistant.

I would like to get a better sense why the protagonist feels a connection to this particular brick and morter structure. Why is she compelled to sketch it, and why in the rain? Does the building have a quality she likes or in some way relates to? Does she have a history with the building? Can you tell me something more in the first 13 sentences to really pique my interest about the connection between the MC and ol' 'Spoon?

Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

Hi rslevrant,

The present tense is problematic for me. It is hard to propagate narrative in present tense, and in this first 12 lines, it simply does not seem to work. The very last line includes a verb in past tense which may have been unintentional - it's hard to maintain present tense.

The content of the first lines is good other than the tense problem. If you are trying to sell this, I am a little worried about the *hook* issue. Your protagonist is sitting, drawing, watching the world go by. Not that this cannot become a fine and compelling story, but as I understand it, publishers will only read a certain number of lines into the text, and if they are not immediately interested, your ms will go onto the reject pile.

Could she be running and looking at the buildings, or spilling paint on herself as she tries to paint the bldgs?

I liked it. I like good description, and you have it here in the intro. Advice: re-work into past tense. Less important, but may be useful: bring a little more action into the first lines.

All the best,

PMoore

Posted by rslevrant (Member # 3204) on :

Take 2 -

Thanks for the feedback. I missed the tense issue in my last proofread and have replaced it with past tense. I still have my high school teachers in my head from 20 years ago insisting on the present tense. As for changing her actions as PMoore suggest, no can do, but tell me if this makes it a little more enticing:

Madeleine Zuckerman sat on her usual bench on the campus of Carteret University staring at Witherspoon Hall. She managed to catch her sketchpad just before it followed her pencil into the mudpuddle beneath her bench. She especially liked to draw the building right after the rain, because it is during the rain that she most questioned her own purpose. Built as a dormitory in the 1860s, ‘Spoon, as most students call it, is reminiscent of the old residential academies of European colleges. Ten years ago, the university refurbished the building to house the College of Business, after it outlived its usefulness as a residence hall. This ever changing, evolving purpose captivated Madeleine, who was still searching for her own purpose, as well as for the assurance that as a student of architecture she too

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 05, 2006).]

Posted by Marva (Member # 3171) on :

I agree with the others that the first paragraph needs more of a hook. I felt like I was reading the college brochure. Nice description of the building, but I'm afraid it just isn't enough. Maybe there's something further down in the MS that would be a more grabbing?

Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

This is now working much better now that you have gone to past tense. Two problems remain, IMO. First, the reference to dropping sketchpad and pencil into the mud is ineffective unless it is better integrated into what the protagonist is doing. It is disconnected, and unless some reason is quickly revealed for the significance of this, it distracts. Second, there is a verb in future tense in the very last sentence - *will* should be changed to *would.*

This sounds like it could be the beginning of a charming story. Best of luck as you polish it.

All the best,

PMoore

Posted by angelsnlullabies (Member # 3207) on :

Better after you changed the tense except for the one at the end that pmoore pointed out. It just fails to grab my attention, though. I get that she is an architecture student trying to find her purpose, but I haven't been given anything to make me think she is particularly interesting.

Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :

I like the rewrite much better. I think I understand the character better now. She wants to have a purpose, to leave something behind that will last and evolve, as this structure has lasted and evolved.

I did notice however that you used the exact wording "her own purpose" twice. Can you possibly rephrase the second occurance so that it is not redundant, and maybe takes the reader a little deeper into what really motivates the MC to sketch a building in the rain?

[This message has been edited by Aspirations (edited February 04, 2006).]

Posted by rslevrant (Member # 3204) on :

Thanks again for all of the feedback. I think I'm on a better track now. I am going to go back through the first 137 pages and check for tense, though, before I continue writing!!

Stay tuned...

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

What's the cool thing about the story, that would make us want to read it?

Start there, maybe.