Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Comments please

This is topic Comments please in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :

This is my first post in Fragments and Feedback. I'd like input on this opening which I've titled "Awakening". The genre is Futuristic Fantasy/Speculative Fiction. I've written about 500 pages. I appreciate any feedback, but I hope to find three or four people who are interested in reading more and offering their critique.

I feel I need to add a statement about my protagonist. She had her name more than a decade before the terrible storm that hit the Gulf Coast this last summer. In the aftermath, I agonized over the idea of changing her name; I didn't want it to conjure up negative feelings or terrible memories for anyone. In the end I decided to leave it alone. Her name is a part of her character, and to change it would change who she is.

The sky looked wrong.
The strange, pyramidal room swam in and out of focus as Katrina blinked, struggling to make sense of her surroundings. Her head hammered relentlessly, making thought difficult. She lay on her back, bathed in the brilliant teal light flooding through a skylight at the peak high above. Her mind repeated her first clear thought. The sky looked wrong.
She closed her eyes against the brightness, and slipped into a half-conscious, half-dream state. Once
again she saw him, as she had seen him so many times before in her dreams. The proud, young warrior. He strode out of the swirling jungle mist, his jeweled wrist guards gleaming in the muted light. His sword flashing violently as he

Posted by angelsnlullabies (Member # 3207) on :

I'd definitely be up for reading at least a couple more chapters. Sounds interesting so far, I just have an issue with that whole time thing. IMO the description in the beginning caught my attention. I'm new here to the forum, so I may not have as much editing expertise as some, but I know what I like to read and what flows to me and what doesn't. Send me the next couple chapters and I'll see what I think.

Oh, the last couple sentences.
"The proud, young warrior. He strode out of the swirling jungle mist, his jeweled wrist guards gleaming in the muted light. His sword flashing violently as he..."

I get the whole dream quality of it and that you're describing what she's seeing. Maybe say "He strode out of the swirling hungle mist WITH his jeweled wristguards (can be one word I think?)gleaming in the muted light."

The very last fragment that fit on the clip say "His sword flashED violently..." Wrong tense I think. The -ing.

-ash (angelsnlullabies@hotmail.com)

[This message has been edited by angelsnlullabies (edited February 04, 2006).]

Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

Very good story! I really like the description in it! But i think you need too explain what you mean when you say "the sky looked wrong" You didnt explain it further and it confused me!

Other than that it was good!

Posted by KillerDonut (Member # 3209) on :

I think you've got something good coming along. The first line is an excellent hook which, I am expecting, is explained later. My only problem would be with the transition between what is happening at the beginning of the story and the flashback. I would also avoid using "she" in the place of Katrina too often. Every now and then remind the reader who "she" is. It keeps us from getting lost. I think something like the following would help smooth the transition.

"Katrina closed her eyes against the brightness, and slipped into a half-conscious, dream-like state where her thoughts drifted to a time long ago. She saw him again, just as vivid and stunning as any other time in her dreams."

Please send me the first three chapters or so. I think I would enjoy reading more.

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

I like it overall. It seems a little choppy for my taste, but if that's what you're after, that my be OK.

I also thought the last couple of sentences were odd: "The proud, young warrior. He strode out of the swirling jungle mist, his jeweled wrist guards gleaming in the muted light." I'm not entirely sure why though. Perhaps it's related to my perception of it being choppy. For example, an alternative might begin: The proud, young warrior strode out of the swirling jungle mist...

Hope that helps,
--pjp

Posted by pjp (Member # 3211) on :

Forgot to add a comment regarding "The sky looked wrong." I like it. I found it compelling. I can tell that Katrina doesn't know why yet either, so I'm willing to wait a while to find out with her. Just be sure to not delay it for too long. Even if she doesn't resolve it completely, we need more description of why she thinks it looks wrong.

--pjp

Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :

Thank you to all for your excellent feedback. What I was going for is a hook, and it sounds like most of you agree that the opening interests you.

A state of groggy confusion is what I was trying to convey, as the protagonist is awakening from a deep sleep and is alternately semi-conscious and unable to think clearly or slipping back into a dream state. She has just enough awareness to realize she is in a very strange place...so completely alien to her that even the sky looks wrong. It's not blue, it's teal.

A question: I had reservations about going immediately from her awakening to the dream sequence, but the dream warrior character is very important to the story, and I felt it needed to be a part of the reader's introduction to her from the onset.

For those of you who offered to read more, I thank you and I'll be emailing you soon.

Posted by PMoore (Member # 3193) on :

Hi Aspirations,

The first 13 lines look good. The word "pyramidal" is awkward for two reasons. It is an unusual word in this context, and it will throw your readers. This is not good, because the structure you are using here is intended to convey a confused, less-than-conscious, dreamlike state. The appreciation of that is broken by the word "pyramidal." The other reason is that the word does not fit into the narrative. The narrator is in a dream or confused or both, and all she can think to say is that the sky was wrong. She will not be able to convey subtleties of the geometry of the room at that point - if she can be subtle, the whole effect of the intro is ruined.

Other than that minor fault, the first sentence-paragraph and the lines that follow in the second paragraph flowed nicely and had the intended impression for me.

I would be happy to critique more of your stuff. It looks very good so far!

All the best,

Pearson Moore

trine2045@yahoo.com

Posted by Aspirations (Member # 3213) on :

Busted, PMoore.

I added "pyrimidal" to the opening 13 lines because a description of the room didn't occur until later in the chapter and I felt it was important to give the reader a sense of why the room was strange, other than just stating it was so. My manipulation did not go unnoticed. <g>

I'm toying with alternatives. Possibly:

The strange, slanted room...
The uneven walls...
The walls closed in above her...

I'll work on it.

Again, thanks for your input.

Posted by Salimasis (Member # 2490) on :

I like your opening lines. You have grabbed my attention.
One line did jump out at me as a a common misuse of a verb (I do tend to notice these things

)
"Her head hammered relentlessly..."
While I understand the thought you want to convey, to say that someone's head is hammering implies that the character is pounding her head against something. Instead of "her head hammered", I suggest you re-phrase to "pain hammered in her head", or something similar.