-This is the start of a project that's been growing, evolving, even mutating in my mind for the last few years. I'm finally wrestling my disparate thoughts into something cohesive, and I'd love your opinions
 

The scroll was a treatise on aquatic life of the Red Sea, which could have been an interesting topic under different circumstances. Adrien, however, was chagrined to once more be dealing with Chaldean, the language holding the dubious honor of being the most cumbersome he’d ever seen, which was no trivial feat for such a ravenous polyglot.

Which definition for ravenous are you using? I'm not sure I understand what it has to do here. Like where the MC is, but I find it slightly wordy. I would read this, though but it doesn't grab me. I have to concentrate too hard on your intent.
 

The best example of this is the following sentence: "Adrien, however, was chagrined to once more be dealing with Chaldean, the language holding the dubious honor of being the most cumbersome he’d ever seen, which was no trivial feat for such a ravenous polyglot." It's ironic that he's talking about the language being cumbersome, when the sentence itself is thick and ponderous.

I would scale it back and thin it out a bit.
 

[This message has been edited by Clove (edited December 18, 2009).]
 

[This message has been edited by The Fae-Ray (edited February 02, 2006).]
 

I'm not all that intelligent, but I liked it. It does not seem like the first 13 lines of a chapter, though. It seems like it is later in the text. We don't have to know why the protagonist hates Chaldean, but I think we do need to have some context to understand him a little better before we dig into maps and languages and the like. If it is intended as the intro to a chapter, my feeling is that the first sentence would have to be re-worked.

All the best,

PMoore
 

One other point before I begin: Thank goodness you put a smiley after your "intelligent crowd" comment. Even so, I feel like you were skirting insult. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way--hence the smiley--but when you've just gotten a bunch of comments saying to tone down the language, responding that way sure sounds like you're calling a lot of people stupid. Just be careful, okay?

Regarding this 13 lines: really, I thought the writing was just fine. In terms of phraseology, I would only suggest one improvement: "...was chagrined to be dealing once more with..." rather than "...was chagrined to once more be dealing with...." (I'm not, I don't think, overly fussy about split infinitives for their own sake--but usually, as in this case, they actually sound better kept together.)

However, that little problem is rendered moot by fixing a more serious one: unnecessary repetition. Since we already know he hates Chaldean, you could just start that sentence with "Chaldean, however, held the dubious honor...." That would have the added benefit of trimming the sentence that most people seemed to have trouble with.

The biggest problem I had with this wasn't what was wrong with it, but with what wasn't right. In particular, it didn't do enough to interest me. There is a slight hook at the end, but it's minor, since we don't know anything about the dreams yet. I'd read on, but I don't know if I would were I a slush pile editor. Does Chaldean have anything to do with the dreams, by the way? Cause if it doesn't, you're kind of wasting our time going on about it. If it does, though, it's appropriate. And I think that if we find out more about the dreams quickly, and they're sufficiently intriguing, you're probably ok with this.

[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 03, 2006).]
 

I would first like to thank you for understanding my attempt at humor, and shall once again apologize to anyone who may have taken offense. I would also like to thank you for offering the suggestions you did, and have incorporated them into something that I feel is a better paragraph. Ah, the wonders of an outside perspective

Here's the rewrite:

I hate Chaldean, thought Adrien Bayne as he pored over the ancient document on the table before him, compulsively chewing on the end of his pencil. The scroll was a treatise on the aquatic life of the Red Sea, which could have been an interesting topic under different circumstances. Adrien was an insatiable polyglot and held a deep love for the written word, but he was chagrined to be dealing once more with Chaldean, which held the dubious honor of being the most cumbersome language he’d come across. He’d been testy since his department manager at the Library of Congress had stuffed him back down in the basement labs, but this latest text was having another, far more disconcerting affect on Adrien: he was dreaming again.

My vision is once more open for vivisection
 

I do plan on inserting numerous snippets from Adrien's dreams throughout the book, but felt it would be too jarring to start with a dream and then jump to reality. And I just noticed that "he was dreaming again" could be understood as he's dreaming right there while reading, which was also not my intent. I mean it to say that he's dreaming when he sleeps. The dreaming thing gets elaborated over the next couple paragraphs, so I'm not sure how much to say about it in the first...

I'm not sure if I should keep the line about him chewing on his pencil. I like it as a quirky habit, but it may be excess. Thoughts?

So I've made a few minor tweaks, as printed below, and I'm very interested to hear any advice you guys might have, and maybe now that my intentions are known pointers might be easier.

I hate Chaldean, thought Adrien Bayne as he pored over the ancient document on the table before him, compulsively chewing on the end of his pencil. The scroll was a treatise on aquatic life of the Red Sea, which could have been an interesting topic under different circumstances. Adrien was an insatiable polyglot and held a deep love for the written word, but he was chagrined to be dealing once more with Chaldean, which held the dubious honor of being the most cumbersome language he’d come across. He’d been testy since his department manager at the Library of Congress had stuffed him back down in the basement labs instead of giving him the field promotion he’d been hoping for, but this latest text was having another, far more disconcerting affect on Adrien: he was having dreams again.
 

I didn't feel going into that much detail was needed or even really desired by the average reader, but I thought I'd post here for a fellow linguistic enthusiast
 

One thing I did stumble over in both versions was your phrase that Chaldean was the most cumbersome language he had "seen"...
<and> ...the most cumberson language he had "come across". Would using either "interpretted" or "translated" give a more concise description of exactly what he was doing?
 

The second re-work still seems to be occurring later in the chapter. I can't see it as beginning a chapter. I like it, though, as I said above, and the re-write no less than the original. The man is taking on a complex task about which he has complex feelings. That in itself is interesting, and could be compelling in the correct context, but remains insufficient, IMO, as the basis for beginning a chapter.

Chaldean sounds like fun. I wish I were still young - I'd give it a try.

All the best,

PMoore