Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled Work

This is topic Untitled Work in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001710

Posted by Infinity007 (Member # 3121) on :

I'm looking to have this be the openning to a short story that will join with others and, eventually, come together in a novel.

Here's to hoping I got the length right for what to post here.

----

Rain is always something that I will enjoy. You see, when its raining there isn't much that separates anyone from anyone else, we're all wet and wearing something to stop the water, and its just plain hard to see. So when I have to do my job, its so much easier.

I always saw him there, every night. He brought his head around as he heard my feet hit the wet ground, his eyes opened wide and before even I knew it I was on my way home, walking through the streets. My visualizations are never wrong.

And as the events caught up and my mind began to recall I saw a face in my memory, a new arrival.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

Although I'll want something to happen PDQ, I'm hooked (so far), because off the odd way of seeing the world.

I suggest replacing that first "him" with something more descriptive: "the old man" or "the vagrant" or whatever he is.

Posted by Jaina (Member # 2387) on :

It's got a lot of potential and I would definitely keep reading!

I agree with wbriggs that you might want to replace the first "him" with a description of him.

Also, later in that paragraph, "walking through the streets" seems redundant as I got the impression that he'd been doing that all along.

Finally, that last sentence is a very awkward read to me, especially the last half (starting with "my mind began to recall..."). I had to read it twice before I started to get it and I'm still not sure what you mean by it, though it is possible that it's explained in the next sentence.

Posted by shevivya (Member # 3185) on :

Yes, I would replace "him" with a name.

Last sentence is awkward.

This opening creates enough mystery to keep stringing the reader along.

Posted by Silver3 (Member # 2174) on :

It sort of works, but I'd appreciate knowing the MC's job really fast.

Posted by myth_weaver (Member # 3166) on :

I'm not sold on this yet. Actually I'm kind of confused and I'm having a hard time seeing the coherence between the paragraphs.

". . . his eyes opened wide and before even I knew it I was on my way home, walking through the streets." I don't understand this sentence, you begin by describing what something does and end the sentence with your walking home--very confusing.

What does all this have to do with rain? Why is rain so important? Why is it easier to do your job in the rain?

What are your visualizations?

What events caught up? Last sentence is very awkward.

There are too many disparate ideas going on here. I would suggest taking a couple of ideas and nail them down before introducing other ideas.

Posted by Susannaj4 (Member # 3189) on :

It seems very depressing.like the MC is trying hard to stay hidden.

(Sometimes I just can't offer any structural feedback, but I can tell you what I feel after reading.I hope that's ok.)

Posted by Infinity007 (Member # 3121) on :

Taking into account the sudden changes in the paragraphs I've tried to meld it and have it flow a lot easier. I'd say its hard for me to reveal a lot in the first chapter, let alone the first 13 lines and keep the story interesting the whole way through. However, I do feel that the full hook is probably not just the 13 lines but the first chapter, which I hope the first 13 lines draw people to finish.

Anyway, here is the second version of the openning that I've come up with after reading everyone's critiques. Also, the last paragraph gets cut off at the 13th line so just note that its not complete.

-----

Rain is always something that I’ve enjoyed having. When it’s raining, everyone just seems so similar, we’re all trying to stay dry and moving a little faster to get where we are going. It makes what I do all that much easier.

I saw him there every night. He brought his head around when he heard my feet hit the wet pavement and opened his eyes wide as I lunged. Then I was here, walking on the street in the normal hurried manner. I had watched intently through my mind’s eye all of those previous nights and tonight I had watched through my own eyes.

Though I saw it for many nights and tonight I had lived it, only now did my mind fully catch up to itself. And as events came in to memory I began to recall and see a face, his face.