Okay, in my opinion, I haven't started in the right place, but I haven't found a way to string together the information needed and the actual beginning of the story into 13 lines. So I've decided to post the first paragraph and introduce the MC.
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Everyone's bottle contained something different, an image of something deeply powerful and significant to the individual who wore it. Winds whirled, suns shone, oceans roared -- all in the limited space of a 10cm tall bottle strung around each citizen's neck.
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MC - Ren: I've decided to make her a sort of villain, but she's not exactly battling heroes. Here's another paragraph or so to explain things a bit better.
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Ren was able to change her bottle's contents periodically without any document from the government, the people who directed the use of the bottles and made it possible for them to be changed.
It was as if the magic simply swelled out of Ren's bottle when opened - she often harnessed the six elements, which were water, air, earth, fire, light, and darkness.
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So...yes. That's about it. I'm on my third page in what my computer defines as "reading format". =) Any opinions, constructive criticism, etc. appreciated.
--Brittany
Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :
You should have posted the 13 lines as one, it would have made understanding what you've written easier for old codgers like me I think you could begin your story with Ren gazing at her 'new' bottle with a sense of rebellious satifaction. She looks at the rest of the people who conform ridgidly with a distainful eye? Does this make sense? Best Wishes John Mc...
Posted by myth_weaver (Member # 3166) on :
I'm thinking you are starting a little too informational and not descriptive, i.e., ". . . she often harnessed the six elements, which were water, air, earth, fire, light, and darkness."
This sentence seems awkward and like ingredients in a cake if you understand what I mean.
Posted by DragonfireEast (Member # 2498) on :
Its defiently an interesting idea, but the sample given makes it feel like just that, an idea. I know its difficult on here with only 13 lines, since the 14 line could have great character discription, but even then all I know is what Ren can do, and I know nothing about who Ren is. Also, if you are going to be making the character into somthing of a villian, how are you going to make us feel attatched to, and caring about the character? If you start the character off that way, then Im going to feel dirty not really want to read it. But if you start the story before the character becomes bad, make us care about her, and then bring us along as she becomes bad (for a good reason, not just because you've decided she is a villian) then I would enjoy the story much more.
Good luck! -(DfE)-
Posted by duv2 (Member # 3026) on :
Not really hooked….but maybe when you do have a first 13 I will better understand.
A couple of things confused me --- an image of something --- implies something static – not Winds whirling etc..
Is darkness really an element?
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
Duv2 - Darkness isn't really an element, but in this story it is. Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
Like another work posted yesterday, this sounds more like your outline than your story.
Sometimes it's possible to pack a little TOO much information into the first thirteen. I'd rather hear about Ren, a woman who wears this funny little bottle around her neck, and the world she lives in. If I'm interested enough in her, I'll probably read on to find out about the bottle and its significance.
Since you're making a villain your main character (a tip of the hat for bravery), we've got to really empathize with her and her struggles. George Lucas failed miserably at this trying to tell the story of how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. The little goody-two-shoes kid becomes the galaxy's nightmare because he missed his mommy. In the effort to include cool lightsaber duels and battle scenes, Lucas never really let us feel Anakin's struggles as he turned to the dark side.
In short, be careful not to let your cool little bottles overshadow your characters.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Two things I want:
* what the bottles mean * what Ren's struggle is -- that is, a hook
