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Alahna wept the day her brothers carried the body of their father into the catacombs deep beneath the family estate. The days before she had desperately hoped that he was in a deep trance, exploring the world of the others, but after twelve days there was no doubt that her father’s physical soul had departed. Even when she slung herself over her father, begging her brothers to let it be, she knew that to wait any longer would risk losing her father’s spirit soul to the void as well.

Her mother was too ill to make the steep decent into the wet and moldy mix of caverns and stone worked tunnels that made up the H’jhal family tombs. Every member of their family, every servant, every favored horse, hound and hawk, was carefully laid to rest in these hallowed chambers. Their purpose now was to add

[This message has been edited by DragonfireEast (edited January 22, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 23, 2006).]
 

Brittany: Thanks for the encouraging words! I want the reader to feel sorry for Alahna, to develope an attatchment with her. Because when she starts to fall, and become corrupted with power, I want it to be a tragedy, not just another anti-hero.
Im glad you liked it, but perhapps tell me some things you didnt like about it as well?

Pixydust: It feels passive, and is supposed to be a bit, because the point of view characters is a 10 year old girl, whose father just died and she is scared and feeling utterly alone. She isnt sure how to react or what to do yet, so she does nothing but what is obvious and what is dictated to her by others. But dont worry, she becomes quite proactive in the later chapters.
The reason I started here was for several reasons.
1.The death happened 12 days before they finally decided he was dead.
2. Their culture is centered more around the dead, rather then death itself. So begining the story with the burial fits better then starting with a death.
3. Its not really her fathers death that has changed her, its the loss of contact with her family ancestors. If she can not talk with the dead of her family then they are merely dead, but truly gone to her.

-(DfE)
 

I was confused however with the "physical soul" vs. "spirit soul" thing though. I think in most people's understanding "soul" is immaterial not physical. Because of this you may have to spend a bit of time explaining the difference which could detract from its use in the story and distract from the story itself.

Other than that, I would definitely keep reading on.
 

To the greeks a soul was breath, life, animation. In this culture it has a simular meaning, but because of the way the afterlife functions they had to have some way to distinguish between when someone was merely dead, and when their spirit had truely departed. So they classified two souls, or animations.

First is the physical soul, which is the part that animates our actually body. Its our breathing, our heartbeat, our movements. It is there belief that the longest a physical soul can be attatched to a body is 12 days, but this is only the case of powerful individuals. Being that the father was the head of a old familey, they waited the full 12 days.

The spirit soul is more along the lines of what we classify as a soul. Its the essence of what we are as individuals, the mind, the will and the emotions. This portion of the soul is what is locked and bound to the corpse durning the buriel ritual, so that it can add its power to whatever agency it was loyal to in life. (though this is not always case, bindings can be forced, but give up less power that way)

If you bind someone to early, before their physical soul has departed you can find yourself dealing with a revnent, a walking twisted reflection of the decesed. This is understanable frowned upon. If you wait to long, the spiritual soul begins to fade away, and you lose more and more of the decesed's personality, memories and power. Its commonly agreed upon the the best time for the burial of a powerful person is the 13th day.

-(DfE)-
 

Hmmmm..... your description of physical soul does sound very similar to the Greek word for soul (psuche)--the breath of life
the vital force which animates the body and shows itself in breathing. All living beings (not plants) contain a soul in Greek thought, it is that which causes them to move, breathe, eat, mate, etc.

Your description of spirit soul sounds a lot like the Greek word spirit (pneuma)--the vital principal by which the body is animated, the rational spirit, the power by which the human being feels, thinks, decides. Again, in Greek (as well as Hebrew) thought only humans have this quality--thus their superiority over the animal kingdom.

Really I would go with soul and spirit rather than the adjective qualifiers, which makes things more confusing.

[This message has been edited by myth_weaver (edited January 22, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by myth_weaver (edited January 22, 2006).]
 

Just some quick nits:

I think it should read "begging her brothers to let him be." The use of "it" sounds too impersonal for the connection you've already established between Alahna and her father, especially since you've already introduced the idea that it took twelve days to confirm he was dead and not on some kind of psychic journey.

Typo: Should be "descent", opposite of "ascent". "Decent" is an adjective.

Some of the concepts seem a bit too abstract for a 10-year-old. They think of and describe the world in very concrete terms, even when dealing with abstract concepts. I would find it more believable if the Alahna were in her mid-teens. I like the way it's worded, I just have trouble seeing her as 10 years old.
 

I like the concepts in this and I would keep reading. However, I think the action can be stronger, even if you keep the main character passive. I would recommend either starting in a different place so that you don't have to work in so much backstory at the beginning, or put us more completely in Alahna's point-of-view. Still, this is a good fragment. I enjoyed reading it.