Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Aviophobia...Requesting Readers

This is topic Aviophobia...Requesting Readers in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :

Hey, all. Though I'm currently working furiously on a fantasy project, I was wondering if anyone could take a look at the first segment of a story I've also been trying to complete.

I'm not sure if anyone recalls the flash fiction piece I posted waaay back involving a man and his laptop-induced hallucinations aboard an airliner? Not that it really matters, but that little story is the basis for this one. I decided to expand on the original, extremely vague concept, making the laptop an actual character (it's the first consumer product to feature 'synthetic intelligence'...and subsequently responsible for the main character's delusions).

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone could take a quick look and tell me what you think? Unfinished, it currently stands at 1,792 words and 6.3 double-spaced pages. There's no hurry (as I said, I'm working on another project simultaneously)...so don't feel like you have to get it back to me ASAP. If you'd only like to comment on the first thirteen...that'd be awesome, too.

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Jim hated flying. His friends used to laugh and call him paranoid, but there happened to be a plausible reason for his phobia. He only used a plane for long trips...specifically, the ones that involved crossing an ocean or large continent. On one hand it was great, since he did not have to do it very often. On the other, it was terrifying, because he was stuck in a stuffy aluminum tube for hours on end, trying not to freak out the whole time.

The shrieking babies did not help much. Jim was convinced the airlines had a quota to meet. If the suspicion was true, they were pretty damned efficient at it. There was at least one of the little pukes on every flight, and when there were two...well, they seemed to enjoy performing duets.

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Inkwell
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"The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp."
-Anonymous

Posted by plumeh (Member # 3160) on :

I really like your story but i think it is a little... well... confusing. The reader can tell that they are on an airline but then you trail off into useless convo about some "quota" and you dont mention what the quota is. And also, It mentions he has a fear of flying because hes only been on a few planes? COnfusings!

ANyway, it was really good but i think its a little confusing!

Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :

*everyone* complains about screaming babies on planes. *everyone.* I'd rather read a less familiar description of why he hates flying.

And maybe I just have excellent travel karma (though the bonus 24 hours I got to spend in San Francisco on the way to Thailand in November due to sitting on the runway at home for 3 hours would argue otherwise) but I almost never end up on a plane with screaming infants.

So to me it is both tired and unrealistic at the same time.

Posted by Exile (Member # 2575) on :

I like the tone you bring to these lines, the sort of exasperated humor. It didn't confuse me, however, there doesn't seem to be a specific point.

I agree with Beth that this is a very tired scenario, and, to be frank, a bit boring. Is there another place you can start this story--maybe with Jim doing something rather than general narration? I think that might help attract the reader's attention better than your current opening.

Posted by TheBishop (Member # 3055) on :

If I hadn't read your background before the fragment this wouldn't interest me at all. I think you can trim some extraneous bits and get to the exciting part... I remember something about a laptop with "synthetic intelligence". Not a good sign when the most interesting part isn't in the fragment

I'd get rid of the whole "On one hand... On the other" part and just go from "...large continent." straight to "It was terrifying..."

The quota bit is humourous, but I have to agree the screaming babies is a bit overdone.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll read. And I didn't have a problem with the first 13: I got the sarcasm. You're deep in his POV, so I get that what I'm seeing is not an accurate picture of reality. He *is* gripey enough I won't be able to take much more without losing sympathy for him.