This is the first 12 lines from a short story written for my writting group. I got great reviews about it. But, I don't want biased praise... I can take honest brutality.. It is set in the future... it is a seasonal story. Any and all feedback will be appreciated.
Thanks in advance Surma
“Let me!” Violet whined. “It’s my turn! You got most of the red ones already gone.”
Johnnie hated it when Violet whined. He could see plenty more reds. Besides, he liked the blue best. It was almost Christmas, so maybe he should be nice to Violet… a little.
“OK, OK! I’ll let you have the rest of the reds. You need to stop acting like a friggin spoiled brat though.” Johnnie said.
“Frak you! Mr. Pompous! Now hand it over, I want to finish the reds.
“What in Sam’s blue blazes are you two doing?”
Johnnie and Violet both looked with startled eyes at Mr. Smith. They scrambled to an upright position, both trying to look innocent.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 20, 2006).]
Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :
Firstly, I want to know what the red and blue things are. I'm assuming they're smarties or something, but I don't know for sure.
Another thing:
You make the little sister sound like a little girl, but a few lines down she sounds like a teenager. If you're going to make her rude and obnoxious for her age, do so from the start, not after we've developed and image of her.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Well, I'm not a big fan of not knowing what you're talking about. All this red and blue (blue blazes, by the way, being a very Yosemite Sam thing to say... especially in the future) stuff seems contextless and is making me, not care more because I'm interested, but care less because I'm impatient.
Also, do you have a title?
Posted by Surma (Member # 3155) on :
Yes the title is Christmas Yet to Come
Also a few lines down I do say what the blue and red things are and I do define her age.. and you are right on both account about her age she is very young and a teenager all in one.
Surma
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Well, my very unqualified opinion is that a few lines down is still too late to tell us. Why can't you tell us in that first line?
Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :
^^^ Agreed. I would try using a little less dialogue and more exposition. We need to have a better visceral sense of the setting, its characters, etc. to even begin wondering about two children and/or their desires. Not knowing what the colorful items are also inhibits my interest in the intro.
Inkwell ------------------ "The only difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
You're starting the story at the wrong place. I don't know what's going on and I don't need to read to have kids fighting, I get that for real. I'm not hooked and I don't really care about what's going on. You need to give me something to grab, something that makes me want to like either character.
It is set in the future... it is a seasonal story. Any and all feedback will be appreciated.