The Reality Institute Penitentiary incarcerated all those with imagination, a crime since productivity declined. Inside the walls, in the work area, two prisoners whispered. “Photographer, when’s your parole hearing?” They knew each other by their crime names. “I’m leaving now. Here come the escort guards. Wish me luck, Quilter.” The guards escorted Photographer in silence down the corridors to the Warden Fred Evilsome’s office. The warden believed imagination was either caused by a virus, or was an unnecessary organ like an appendix. Whatever the cause, he would remove the imagination from offenders and replace it with reality. This day, Photographer would try to convince the warden and parole
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 07, 2006).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I'm tentatively hooked.
>imagination, a crime since productivity declined
I don't get how a productivity decline would lead to outlawing imagination.
I notice you're using omniscient. It's no crime; but it may be harder to pull of than 3PL.
Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :
I haven't noticed any huge problems in this version, but the name Evilsome really bugs me. It makes it sound like a kids fairy tale and makes me less interested.
Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :
good, the name evilsome does speak of melodrama though.
Posted by NMgal (Member # 2769) on :
This line is confusing:
quote: The Reality Institute Penitentiary incarcerated all those with imagination, a crime since productivity declined.
It sounds like imagination became a crime because it was on the decline.
Otherwise, it was well-written. I like that the prisoners call each other by the name of their crimes. Combined with the name of the warden, this has a humorous feel to it.
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
Frankly, I liked the earlier version better.
It's bordering too much on telling instead of showing. Use the story to show us what the warden believes through his actions. Ditto for the penitentiary itself. Gradually let us see that their crimes were those of imagination and creativity. Show us Photographer doing his best to convince the warden and parole board of something instead of telling us up front that's what he's trying to do.
In all honesty, it sounds like you're trying to tell us the whole story in 13 lines.
[This message has been edited by krazykiter (edited January 07, 2006).]