Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Rolling Thunder, Steel Rain

This is topic Rolling Thunder, Steel Rain in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Nevyan (Member # 3093) on :

In between writers block for my Sands rewrite I did some fast writing (78 minutes to write 2,174 words) of a futuristic battlefield.

Looking for readers.

----
Miles above the battered landscape dark clouds had formed, heavy with nitrogen rain. In the distance the fingers of gray haze revealed where the rains were starting to fall. Soon the pitter-patter of the toxic, freezing pellets became a chorus of drums reverberating their mournful song through the armor of my combat suit.

My eyes stared through the viewer in half-sleep awareness, the last of my energy keeping them open. The gray rocks of this sector had been transformed into razor sharp outcroppings between the pockmarks of shell craters. The last bombardment had been hours ago but the echoing terror still lingered in my ears.

I blinked my eyes in rapid succession to bring up the tactical view of this sector.

---

Best,

Nevyan

Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :

Your intro sounds fine to me except for a few possible mistakes that may have been caused by your speed writing. It might be a little ambiguous of me, but I want to say that the second and first paragraph should be switched. I just have a preference for the main character, viewpoint, and situation to be introduced before the setting. Take my advice lightly though.

Posted by Jessica (Member # 3099) on :

I liked it. The rains seems very forboding and makes the mood dark. By calling the rain nitrogen rain it shows that it is a battle of the future.
The second sentence seems a bit awkward, but I can't figure out why.
I'm not sure what you meant by the tactical view of the sector.
Something else to consider, what do you mean by nitrogen rain? Nitrogen isn't normally a liquid at room temperature. Is it dissolved in the rain water or Nitrogen oxide? Also, what effects will the nitrogen have when it touches stuff that's different from plain water? I'm just wondering (sorry i've had too much chemistry in school)

I'd be willing to read more, it just might take me awhile to get back to you because school is starting.

Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :

Is the nitrogen rain some alternate or similar form of acid rain? I mean, does it burn the things it lands on, cause more damage than what caused the rain in the first place? I know nitrogen in a liquid form freezes (I guess you could say freezes) objects so they are so frail that even the lightest touch shatters them (at least I think it's nitrogen...). Is that what this rain does?

[This message has been edited by The Fae-Ray (edited January 05, 2006).]

Posted by Nevyan (Member # 3093) on :

In addition to setting the scene as being in the future (nitrogen rain??) as the story progresses it serves as a dramatic background to the action.

That and as a salute to anachronostical movies of a certain nature.

Best,

Nevyan

Posted by raconteuse (Member # 3119) on :

Fast writing is great for getting down impressions, and the scene you described is a great starting point for a story.

So when you rewrite keep in mind:

Rain is non-count noun. Are you talking about two different types of rain? Why "rains?"

"My eyes stared" is an uneeded repetition. Unless you have an alien protagonist who sees through his/her nose or belly button.

"half-sleep" awareness bothers me- probably because awake and awareness go together, so I expect to hear half-awake, not half-sleep

This introduction promises a great adventure story!

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

nitrogen is not toxic.

For it to be freezing solid you need a very low atmostpheric pressure and/or a very low temperature (63 Kelvin)

If the nitrogen is freezing into pellets, what is the atmosphere (air) made of. Just about everything else would be a liquid or solid at the point where nitrogen changes from a liquid to a solid. The same is true of the whole range of nitrogen as a Liquid.

Basically, I need to know how your nitrogen rain is possible. What little I know about chemistry and physics tells me that its not.

Posted by Nevyan (Member # 3093) on :

quote:
nitrogen is not toxic.
For it to be freezing solid you need a very low atmostpheric pressure and/or a very low temperature (63 Kelvin)
If the nitrogen is freezing into pellets, what is the atmosphere (air) made of. Just about everything else would be a liquid or solid at the point where nitrogen changes from a liquid to a solid. The same is true of the whole range of nitrogen as a Liquid.
Basically, I need to know how your nitrogen rain is possible. What little I know about chemistry and physics tells me that its not.

Psionic powers? Aliens? Faster than light travel? Surviving a black hole and entering a fifth dimension? Processes where your mother-in-law transfers her brain into the cofee pot? Humans being used as batteries for a complex of thinking machines? A killer cyborg travelling back in time to kill a leaders mother before he is born?

Sometimes... it's just a story set in the fantasmagical future!

The rest of the time it's one bored person wagging there finger and making a big deal about something very small...

Best,

Nevyan

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

And sometimes it's a problem with what is called "suspension of disbelief."

If you insist on using something that doesn't make sense to your readers, be prepared for them to not take you seriously.

You do know about OSC's "faith, hope, and clarity" rules, don't you? If you make your readers say, "oh, yeah?" you're running the risk of losing them as readers.

Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :

"Psionic powers? Aliens? Faster than light travel? Surviving a black hole and entering a fifth dimension? Processes where your mother-in-law transfers her brain into the cofee pot? Humans being used as batteries for a complex of thinking machines? A killer cyborg travelling back in time to kill a leaders mother before he is born?"

Yes, but when writers write that, they give an explanation as to how that is possible. Or at least they generally do. They should.

Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :

If you are going to write a world where science doesn't matter, don't write a science fiction novel, write fantasy so you can explain it away with magic and handwavium. Fans of the sci-fi genre are, for the most part, knowledgeable about science. They WANT their novel to be laden with science that has a nodding acquaintance with the laws of physics....

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

You can create new laws of physics all you want, but you can't break the existing ones without a good explanation.

Posted by Nevyan (Member # 3093) on :

quote:
Fans of the sci-fi genre are, for the most part, knowledgeable about science. They WANT their novel to be laden with science that has a nodding acquaintance with the laws of physics....

quote:
Yes, but when writers write that, they give an explanation as to how that is possible. Or at least they generally do. They should.

quote:
You can create new laws of physics all you want, but you can't break the existing ones without a good explanation.

Please...

The science in EVERY SF work does not need to be explained away to the reader. It should be apparent that the Science in this work is beyond ours in that the MC has armor capable of withstanding frozen nitrogen and the enviroments that can produce it.

If the reader wants to know more about the 'science' of this setting rather than the story then they are reading the story for the wrong reason.

No one asked Geroge Lucas to explain hyperspace even though modern science says it cannot exist and he did not have to in order to tell the story in Star Wars. It was a science set in place by him to get his characters around the galaxy and set up further scenes.

Likewise, somec is mentioned in many of the short stories making up the Worthing Saga but only rarely does OSC mention any details into how somec works or is even possible. Again it is a backpiece to the rest of the story, setting the tone and direction (Doon wanting to destroy the sleephouses, Jason helping him, the colony ship with it's somec dependent cargo).

Suspension of disbelief is imoortant for a story but if people nitpick because they don't like how a fictional stories science clashes with the real worlds well...

In any case the reader should be asking themselves 'Wow! This guy is on a planet where it rains freezing nitrogen! What the heck is he doing there!'

Not saying 'Gee... Mr. Wizard wouldn't like the physics of this story one bit!' *angry finger shaking*

Best,

Nevyan

Posted by Johnmac1953 (Member # 3118) on :

The opening worked! I could feel the tension! A Combat soldier on another world scene can be very tricky to pull off without falling into cliches(?).
I would use the word fatigue(providing I could spell it right!) to explain the MC's condition

Liked it!