Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Snakehead

This is topic Snakehead in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Ray (Member # 2415) on :

Horror/Dark Fantasy, 5000 words, looking for readers for the whole thing. There's violence and some profanity. Any comments are appreciated.

Steven got in his car and started the engine. He put it in reverse but kept his foot on the brake. He turned to look at Danny on the corner of the block getting on the school bus. His nine-year-old nephew disappeared in the vehicle and it took off. Steven sighed; he hoped Danny didn't ditch today.

Steven backed out into the road and switched to overdrive. Before he could hit the gas, Steven saw Danny's bus coming back fast. Steven froze when he saw the driver, whose skin was green with golden eyes, smiling at him. The bus smashed into Steven's car. The car flew backwards and Steven blacked out.

Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :

The whole story seems way too robotic. First, there are hardly any commas, so the sentences are all pretty much the same length. Secondly, when you describe what is happening, you go on to the next thing too quickly. You don't give the reader enough time for the events to sink in. "Danny ditches school? He's only nine. I wonder why he does that and - hey! Did something else just happen?" You need to lay in a few emotions, thoughts, concerns. It'll make the story seem more natural. To tell you the truth, I don't really care right now that Danny ditches school and this guy just got in a car accident. You have to make me care.

[This message has been edited by The Fae-Ray (edited January 04, 2006).]

Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :

I agree with most of what Fae said. Not much else to say, really, except my comment on these two sentences:

"The bus smashed into Steven's car. The car flew backwards and Steven blacked out."

I feel that those should be joined.

Good luck with your story!

Posted by HSO (Member # 2056) on :

Well, it seems to me that Steven is the main character, so it's important to develop his POV. In other words, write the story from his perspective and put the reader into his head. Do that immediately and the awkwardness of using Steven's name repeatedly can be avoided.

Additionally, we need to care about Steven first before we care about Danny. Who is Steven, and where is off to? Consider developing the setting and Steven's motivations right from the start. Please allow me to break down your fragment by asking a lot of questions....

Steven got in his car and started the engine. [What kind of car does Steven drive?]

He put it in reverse but kept his foot on the brake. [Why is this important? Where does Steven want to go?]

He turned to look at Danny on the corner of the block getting on the school bus. His nine-year-old nephew disappeared in the vehicle and it took off. [Is Danny the nine-year-old nephew? Maybe, but it's unclear.]

Steven sighed; he hoped Danny didn't ditch today. [If Danny is getting on the bus, why does Steven sigh and wonder if the kid will ditch school? The kid's on the bus, which is presumably heading to school?]

Steven backed out into the road and switched to overdrive. [Usually, switching to overdrive is done at highway speeds.]

Before he could hit the gas, Steven saw Danny's bus coming back fast. [So, the bus turned around or something? It's not easy for buses to turn around quickly, and we haven't got enough info to know how much time has passed. But already the bus is moving very fast. All Steven has done is sigh and backed out his car. That takes a few seconds. So...?]

Anyway, consider taking a little more time to develop the beginning. Start with Steven, tell us where he's going and why, and develop the setting fully. Where is all of this taking place? Yeah, we get it's on a road, but where is this road? In a suburb? In the country? In Africa?

Once you've established Steven's POV and the setting, then bring up Danny and the green-skinned bus driver from hell.

Good luck with this.

Posted by Zodiaxe (Member # 3106) on :

It seems to me that you are putting to much information in the first 13 lines. I meet the main character, who I am led to believe is off to work, and his son Danny, who skips school for some unknown reason. I can live with that if I had too. This foreboding, information crammed into the first few sentences causes me to want to stop and assimilate all the information. Then as soon as I have done that... BAM... here comes Danny's school bus driven by some green headed, yellow eyed, homicidal maniac!

There's no set up. Nothing to make me start to wonder just what is going on in this town. No bodies that mysteriously disappear or turn up mutilated. No, snake worshipping cults that conduct their rituals in the dead of some moonless night, in some secret long forgotten area of the woods. There is no Lovecraft type of ancestor worship of some celestial demonic entity that ruled before time and space. There's nothing to hold my attention and question what the hell is going on here.

If I were writing it, I would take the Stephen King route and make it much more horrific by setting the stage a bit better by showing this town as some type of utopian village, kinda like Mayberry.

"Morning aunt Bee!" Morning, Andy, here's your coffee and the Johnson's called, their bull is loose again and stopping traffic on the highway."

"Oh that, pesky bull," says Andy laughing just before sipping his coffee. "Mitchell Johnson should just change that bull's name from Boucehpus to I-40."

Something like this will set the stage for this sleepy little hamlet to be rocked by some snake headed demonic school bus driver.

Peace,
Scott

[This message has been edited by Zodiaxe (edited January 05, 2006).]

Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :

Lots of nice action, but it develops TOO quickly. Try tightening the action to Steve standing at the door and putting Danny on the bus. Let Steve have a conversation with the bus driver. Wait a minute, was that a forked tongue he saw? Nah...couldn't be.

Dribble out the discovery of the snake people over a large part of the book to build the suspense.