What am I doing? I wasn't planning on posting here--I'm shy . . . I'm not ready. Oh well, sometimes you just have to stop dipping your toe in and just jump in. Ok this section is the first thirteen lines of a short story I am writing for a contest (I hope it's thirteen lines--12 pt New Courier). the contest is at the end of the month. The story is total 1233 words long (merely a baby of a story) I am looking for people to look over the entire thing, Thanks very much for your time.
Little sisters are supposed to be annoying. My sister, Christy, used to be. So I never felt guilty when I taunted her or made her eat my green beans when our parents weren’t looking. But now it wasn’t fun; she didn’t do anything—just laid there watching me with her brown deer-like eyes and half-hearted smile. Little sisters aren’t supposed to be dying. I avoided her eyes, instead staring at the thin curtains blowing with the air from the heater. The bitter-clean smell of medicines and disinfectants filled my nose. I swung my feet, kicking at the linoleum floor. With my fingers, I played with the edge of the nametag pinned to my shirt. Glancing down, I reread the words: Visitor—Children’s Oncology Center. The sound of footsteps coming towards us drew my attention to the doorway.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Nice work so far. I wonder about the kid reading the word 'oncology' upside down on a nametage. Otherwise, it does the trick.
Send it on through shy-girl.
Posted by Ransom (Member # 2712) on :
Wow, very good. I'm already feeling for the main character. That's what you want. Go ahead and e-mail me the story. Click on the member profile button just above the post, the one with the question mark. I look forward to seeing the whole thing.
And don't worry about length. As soon as something of mine gets over 3,000 words, I start to lose steam. Gotta practice for the marathon.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
Send it over if you like. Tell me what you're looking for in your crit Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Not bad. I'll read.
I do suggest that you tell us we are in the cancer ward at the beginning of the second paragraph, not the end. As it is, I spent the entire paragraph wondering where we were.
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
I agree with the previous comments that said to tell us where the MC is in the 1st paragraph - I had thought they were at home in their kitchen, probably because of the green beans comment.
I'd love to read it, it sounds wonderful! My email's delphikib@gmail.com. Thanks! -Brittany
Posted by Ransom (Member # 2712) on :
Oh. I thought the bitter smells of medicine and disinfectant were enough to tell they were in a hospital. It seemed pretty obvious to me.
Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :
"I swung my feet, kicking at the linoleum floor."
I liked this as it showed her young age and small size without telling us. I would like to read the entire story. Please email it to me!
Posted by x__sockeh__x (Member # 3069) on :
"Oh. I thought the bitter smells of medicine and disinfectant were enough to tell they were in a hospital. It seemed pretty obvious to me."
=/ Yeah, kind of. I guess I thought they cleaned a lot to keep germs and stuff out for the younger sister.
Posted by krazykiter (Member # 3108) on :
Not ready? Huh? Not from where I'm sitting.
Bam! You hit the ball solid on the first pitch. I'd like to see if you knocked it out of the park.
Please send. I'll read.
Posted by raconteuse (Member # 3119) on :
I immediately felt sympathy for your protagonist. The tone of the opening was very innocent and childlike.
For that reason I might rethink the word "taunt". It was a slider- it distracted me from the young, fresh, honest voice by sounding like a word a grown-up would use.
The other slider was "just laid there". I thought it should be "lay" and looked it up at AskOxford.com. Lay is indeed the past tense of lie.
You have a good story start with a very convincing voice. Good luck preparing it for the contest!
