Hatrack River Writers Workshop: New Genesis

This is topic New Genesis - working title in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001630

Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :

What is the word per line, for the 15 lines? It's been awhile since I posted a fragment and can't remember, but 15 lines in my word processor is definately more than 15 lines in a post :-)

I have around 1500 words of this so far, but it's growing quickly and I have mapped out a backstory.

Thanks!
-------

Reese shifted uncomfortably, his muscles ached for action, fighting the urge to scratch his lip just made it itch that much worse. His nose wrinkled at the reek of doe musk that radiated from his leathers, he waited impatiently, his body yearned to stretch and run, his training kicked in, calming his urges and smothering his cramped legs cries of distress. His breathing slowed and the forest came into razored focus..

Reeses sweat slicked palms tightened on his spear, his pulse quickened as the beast snorted and shuffled closer. Time stretched and slowed as the snout of the monster muzzled into view, it was bigger than he expected, easily outweighing him twice again, it's ivory tusks glistened from it's bristled porcine lips. Steadying himself Reese prepared for the charge.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 04, 2006).]

Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :

First 13 are the first 13 lines of Courier 12pt font.

Two things about your opening caught my attention:
-You use commas to string together a list of sentences. Why? It's distracting.
-I would advise against a flashback, which is where you seem to be heading. (This, of course, isn't in your first 13, but I thought I should comment on it.) I'm more interested in the MC taking on this animal. Don't interupt the hook! You'll just annoy the reader.

Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :

Thank you Madame Woodbury for cutting that at the 13 line point, I run .5 margins in my roughs and wasn't sure.

I will fix the "," issue...that is a problem that crops up if I don't watch out for it.

I also specifically avoid breaking into a flashback for that very reason. The scene follows the takedown of the boar and doesn't break away.

Thanks!

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

Hey HuntGod,
The idea here comes through loud and clear.
Reese has been waiting a long time to kill this animal and now that it has appeared it is bigger and closer than he had expected.

My problem is that I don't know what the animal is.
Reese reeks of doe musk. I assume he has smeared it on himself in order to attract his prey -- but the beast snuffling toward the odor has a snout, tusks and bristled, pig-like lips. It seems you are either not explaining the doe-reek thing clearly or you are setting us up to encounter a creature native to the world you are creating and which is an animal with which we are unfamiliar. (BTW: I always thought musk was an exclusiviely male thing -- if so maybe you could use scent or some other word that isn't so specific.)

Note on names: Reese strikes me as a Welsh surname. As a forename it seems very modern (Late 20th Century -- Western). Maybe that is your setting but I don't think it is, seeing that Reese is in doe-skins, in a forest, hunting giant deer-swine with a spear. Perhaps he is is ancient Britain? Maybe the animal is some sort of now-extinct megafauna. That would be cool.

I would read on from here thinking that this is some interesting animal and sensing that the encounter is about to go terribly wrong.

PS: I know you told us it was a boar in the preceding post but thought you would like to know first impressions.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited January 04, 2006).]

Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :

I was trying to avoid calling it a boar, in hindsight thats dishonest with the MC, since he knows it's a boar.

Though it is a very big boar :-)

The setting is fantasy but it is a tailored world, Earth to be exact, well into the future after the Jester (which in this world has a deified/trickster connotation) basically remodeled the world using rogue bioengineered nanotech, which is also the basis for the magic system. Mages "talk" to the nanites which then perform "miracles" depending on what the mage has "talked/programmed" it to do. Reese will be part of the Jesters latest crop of playing pieces in his game.

This is of course all backstory which may or may not come out in the course of the story. There will be several "anachronistic" elements through the story, tech existing in a vacuum, certain tech just not working, Nanites render gunpowder inert for example.

Posted by Ransom (Member # 2712) on :

Wow, I love the post-apocolyptic idea. Now I see how the title fits in.

And, by the way, I understood that it was a boar. I myself have used "ursine" to great effect. In my opinion, keep the description.

Yeah, overall, I undertand that your semi-runon sentences in the first paragraph are trying to build up tension, but I think that's a trick to use after the action has been rolling a little bit. The effect is like a locomotive that has been speeding for a while and is finally out of control, but in this case the train hasn't even started moving yet. My advice: use short, succinct sentences. Build a solid picture in your reader's mind. The descriptions are fine, just the sentence structure.

Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :

I'm a child of the 80's and will always have a soft spot for post apocalyptic fiction.

Isn't Ursine a bear?

Here is a rewrite of the first 13.

----

Reese shifted uncomfortably. His muscles ached for action, fighting the urge to scratch his lip just made it itch that much worse. His nose wrinkled at the stink of doe urine that wafted from his leathers. He waited impatiently, his body yearned to stretch and run, his training calmed him smothering his cramped legs cries of distress. His breathing slowed and the forest came into razored focus.

Reese's sweat slicked palms tightened on his spear. His pulse quickened as the boar snorted and shuffled closer. Time stretched and slowed as the snout of the monster muzzled into view, it was bigger than he'd expected, easily outweighing him twice again, it's ivory tusks glistened from it's bristled porcine lips. Steadying himself Reese prepared for the charge.

[This message has been edited by HuntGod (edited January 04, 2006).]

Yes, "ursine" means bear, not boar.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 05, 2006).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Just one note:

"It's" is an abbreviation for "It is".
"Its" is the third person non-gender-specific possessive. Pronoun possessives, unlike others, don't get an apostrophe. So "Reese's sweat" is now correct, but the boar's tusks, lips, eyes, head and challenge all need "its", not "it's" (and listing those makes me realise you may be being over-repetitive - use "the boar's" from time to time).

Posted by Jonny Woopants (Member # 3004) on :

The first sentence is good, hooking me by making me think why is he fighting the urge to scratch his lip. I had a mental picture of someone hiding, waiting for something to happen...which is what you intend. But then you carry on with his nose wrinkling at the reek of whatever and my mind starting to drift. I wanted to know why he was hiding immediatedly...what you explain in the second sentence is all good, but I think this opening would serve better as a hook if you broke up the first and second sentence with a description of the beast snorting and snuffling close, then I could make a connection in mind that he's a hunter with all the stuff about his training.

Maybe this is being picky but to my mind it would make all the difference.

Other than that I thought it was pretty good start

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

Far too much detail for a novel opening.

There is no visible reason for anything going on in the opening.

Whatever you do, do not respond to every bit of feedback. Let the feedback accumulate and then sort through it.

The writing style is very thick. The detail is great but it is very boring to read in large quantity. The opening should flow more easily to suck readers in.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I didn't have much problem with the level of detail, but I did have a problem with not knowing where we were, or what was happening (until paragraph 2), or why it was happening. Just tell us!

...and, if I read this thread correctly, he's boar hunting. I'll also want to know the significance, up front. I wouldn't read a story that's just about a boar hunt.

Posted by Ransom (Member # 2712) on :

We're a room full of tough critics, but I'm not thaht tough. I'm already interested in what's going on. The only problem I have is technical.

You still have runon sentences in paragraph 1. In a sentence, unless separated by semi's [;]or reasonable facsimile, you should only have one subject-predicate per sentence, and I never have more than two if I use semi's.

You have the sentence "He waited impatiently, his body yearned to stretch and run, his training calmed him smothering his cramped legs cries of distress." Runon Alert! The best medicine for this is a tense issue. First you have himself as a subject, then after a comma you have his body, and that's confusing. Instead of having the body be a subject, make it a state. Consider: "He waited impatiently, his body yearn-ing- to stretch and run." Much smoother. It flows. With that part of the sentence taken care of, you can fix the part referring to his training by doing one of three things: change the tense - "his traning calm-ing- him"; seperate it from the rest of the sentence by a semi, or go ahead and make it its own sentence.

But I want to know more about this hunt, gosh darn it.