Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Star Drifter

This is topic Star Drifter in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=001616

Posted by Nevyan (Member # 3093) on :

Looking for readers on this one. A good yarn along the lines of L'ouis Lamour and maybe even Heinlein and a few others. I hope to expand on this one soon. I also plan on submitting this in early or mid-January to Strange Horizons.

Best,

Nevyan

---

Crystal City is dry. Drier than the Long Desert of Mars in summer and worse yet it’s a true dry town. Sounds funny calling a city a town but truths the truth and there isn’t a drop of ethanol for a ways.

This town is true Frontier land, nothing but saloons, mines and whorehouses. Well off the beaten path except for the battered freighter fliers that stop in for the liquor or the whores. This town is funny like that where they have rotgut whiskey but no clean ethanol for old fliers.

I secured my own flier over by what passes for the church in this dusty heap of a town. No one occupies the building, just the graveyard off to the side, and that a might full too.

---

Posted by Jonny Woopants (Member # 3004) on :

Would offer to read but I don't feel my eye is sharp enough yet to give a full crit ...I'll give you my first impressions on this snippet though

I like the tone, kinda reminded me of an old sheriff in the wild west- which I guess is the sort of voice you are trying to affect.

I was hooked by the first sentence, but stumbled on the second. Maybe its me but I think it would work better with some puncutation to break it up.

And am I being stupid, but what is a true dry city? why would you refer to a City as a town just because there not a drop of ethanol there? This question sprung to mind when I read it...

[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited December 30, 2005).]

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

It's a little too much work, but easily fixed. There's the double meaning of dry. There's calling the town "dry" yet it has whiskey. There's the "what passes for a church": well, what _does_ pass for a church? If it's just a building, and the building is unused (why is it unused?), why not just call it a "building"?

Cutting a lot might help. One paragraph about the city, then we get to the arrival. (I'll want to know, really soon: why is MC visiting Crystal City?)

Posted by Jessica (Member # 3099) on :

I can already hear the music in the background, "Happy trails to you . . ." You've done good at sending the western image.
I'm not sure, however, how these thirteen lines work. They are simpley narrateive and din't really capture my attention. There's nothing that really stands out and says read more.
At first, I was confused about the town being dry. I had to reread the entire first paragraph after reading the last sentence. Also, I'm a big fan of the show-don't-tell philosophy.

Posted by Nevyan (Member # 3093) on :

Tweaked the opening 13 a little.

As to the confusion of using 'dry' I tried to expand on the MC's definition of dry (no ethanol for his ship) vs our term for dry (liquor free). I think I fixed that enough in the opening but I'd rather rely on second opinion.

Best,

Nevyan
---

Crystal City is dry. Drier than the Long Desert of Mars in summer and worse yet it’s a true dry town for spacers. Sounds funny calling a city a town but truths the truth and there isn’t a drop of ethanol for your flier for quite a ways.

This town is real Frontier land, nothing but saloons, mines and whorehouses. Well off the beaten path except for the battered freighter crews that occasionally land in town for liquor or the Companies girls. This town is funny like that, where they have rotgut whiskey but no clean ethanol for spacers’ old fliers.

I secured my own ship over by what passes for the church in this dusty heap of a town. No one occupies the building, just the graveyard off to the side, and that a might full too.

[This message has been edited by Nevyan (edited December 31, 2005).]

Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Well, the rewrite is a tad bit clearer, but as a reader I still think the intentional use of the "dry" term only adds confusion to the opening. Is there a possible reason for this? Not sure where the story is going, but you already indirectly point out that whiskey is ethanol (but apparently not clean enough). Is this integral to the storyline or just an opening juxtaposition which is not important? If it's not important then I would rewrite it some other way.
The tone is fine and I want to meet the MC.

Posted by Veneficium (Member # 3103) on :

Definitely some interesting ideas but I think you need to work on the voice to really suck us into the hook.

For example, if you are going authentic Old West then isn't=ain't and the like. Also, too many of the clipped sentences hurt the flow.

What is the context? Is this an internal dialog? Stream of conciousness? Fireside story? Dear reader? Perhaps if you set that more clearly, the voice would then come through more consistently and naturally.

(Ironic that I just watched Firefly, which is an interesting Wild West/SF amalgam).