[This message has been edited by rusty (edited December 26, 2005).]
However, the similie is suspect...do coins evaporate?? I don't think so.
I stumbled also on the third line, maybe its me (I'm tired today) but it seems too fragmented and doesn't flow. I would restructure and drop some the commas.
Hope this helps
3rd P doesn’t work because I can’t imagine people coming and saying “The” need is desperate. We need you. The crops are burning. Whatever the problem is is surely going to be stated more forcefully. In fact, I think you could make it better by not using quotes at all but paraphrasing their plea. That way the "The" could work after all.
The need was desperate, They pleaded with her.
“I have no voice,” she replied.
Or something vaguely like that only better.
Now the inside is a bit confusing but I think what comes next will fix that and without the 2nd paragraph you have room to do so.
Hmmm…and I’m not quite certain if the silence that no song could pierce was in her then or only now that she’s old.
Other than that, this shows a lot of promise.
In what sense was her life gone?
What lies and air was it spent on?
What need is it that's desperate?
Tell us up front, and I'll be hooked, I'm sure of it.