Hatrack River Writers Workshop: cleaner p2

This is topic cleaner p2 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by deckof50 (Member # 2476) on :

This is the first 13 of the second part of a 4 part story, I've only written about 500 words so far, but let me know what you think of the fist 13. Thanks as always :)

The door was only slightly cracked open, yet the pungent smell of gun smoke flooded Franks nostrils. His heart sank a bit. Lots of gun smoke meant lots of guns. Lots of guns meant lots of mess. He looked at his watch. 10:30pm. He thought about calling Jan, but then thought better. Explaining himself to his girlfriend outside of a make-shift mortuary didn't seem like his most appealing option. He let out a sigh. He'd just have to hear about it in the morning.
He glanced down the hallway. The florescent lights cast a dreary yellow glow that somehow managed to make the ugly green walls even uglier.

Posted by deRost (Member # 3089) on :

Very nice. This definitely sets a mood, and describes the situation without feeling forced. I honestly don't have much of a critique as I can't find anything wrong here. Nicely written! I want to read more. MORE!!!!

I guess my only issue -- and it's one of preference -- is that you wrote the time with digits, rather than words. "Ten-thirty" sounds more like someone's thought than "10:30 PM". Your mental descriptions of the smell coming from the room, and your characters thoughts about it draw you in nicely, but then these digits appear and kind of give you a little slap.

I like it. I would love to read more.

[This message has been edited by deRost (edited December 22, 2005).]

Posted by pantros (Member # 3237) on :

An incredible improvement over the original. It now seems that you know your characters and his job much better.

Posted by deckof50 (Member # 2476) on :

thanks to you both :)

Posted by MG (Member # 2938) on :

Wow, this is so, so much better, decko.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I'll want to know soon why he's there, but for now, I'm happy and would keep reading. Oh, heck. I'm reasonably happy; but I'd be happier if I knew what was up with him, before the implications of gunsmoke and hte girlfriend.

Posted by The Fae-Ray (Member # 3084) on :

I haven't read the first version, but I'll point out what really bugged me in this one.

He hardly seems concerned at all with the fighting and (possibly) death outside. He just seems bored and annoyed. Maybe this character isn't the hero type, but it still seems like something is missing. There needs to be some sort of emotion in there, fear, worry, anger. Otherwise it seems (to me) that what happened outside isn't important at all. And even if the connection with the story isn't huge, something has still happened that will make readers wonder.