Looking for readers for the whole story and crits on what I posted below.

Story is 1200 or so words and Fantasy.

Grandmaster

Liadan waited alone in the council chamber. She sat, staring at nothing in particular, in the top of the three rows of benches surrounding the speaking floor. A single candle burned in the center of the speaking floor, casting the room more in shadow than in light. Any minute, her mentor, Julivel would arrive and hand her the name of the person she had to kill to pass her the last test she would ever have to take. She already bore the tattoo of a Master Assassin on her shoulder though it was hidden under her black leather shirt. Such an honor was not one she should advertise to the general public.

With a knock on the doorway, Julivel entered the room. He seemed more solemn than his usual snide, but amicable attitude.

 

The third sentence indicates *a candle burned in the center of the speaking floor*... this is picky but maybe "at" the center of the floor, plus repetition of speaking floor so quickly is a bit off-putting.

Also, the term 'general public' seems a bit out of place for this story setting I think. This is a modern term -- maybe masses, or just cut it out completely, the sentence still works.

Lastly, I don't think her mentor would knock if he were meeting a student. And the last sentence stripped down actually reads "he seemed more solemn than his attitude" which doesn't make any sense.
 

- The second sentence feels odd and broken the way it is right now. I don't know if this is the right way to say it, but the sentence describes a character action in the middle of describing another. (Does that make sense?) I think it would flow better putting the "staring..." at the tail end of the sentence. Like so:

"She sat at the top of the three rows of benches surrounding the speaking floor, staring at nothing in particular."

- I also agree that "speaking floor" is repetetive. This sentence could easily be re-worded to flow easier:

"A single candle burned at the center of the room, casting more shadow than light."

- This is based only upon what you have posted here, so it maybe un-necessary. The final sentence tells us that her mentor seems different; it doesnt show us. HOW is he behaving that makes him seem more solemn than usual? Is it the way he walks? Perhaps he isn't lifting his feet as surely as he normally would. What about his face? I know the room is dark, but keep in mind that your character has spent some time in this room already, and her eyes would be more accustomed to the light that someone just entering. Besides, as a master assassin she would be trained at noticing subtle nuances about a person's behavior. The way they walk. The way they hold their head. The way their arms move when they walk.

Try this sometime: Pay careful attention to the people around you. Analyse every detail of their behavior. Note their mood. The words they seem to favor using in their speech. How do they walk? Do they shuffle their feet, or lift them? Do they hold their arms steady at their side when they walk, or swing them? Do they clench their hands, as though they are thinking about something? Do they hold their head up high, or let their gaze follow their feet? Compare this to their other moods. Compare to other people. It's amazing what you notice when you start looking for things.

There are also some great books on body language. I remember reading one of them, and then a few days later riding the bus to work. Observing a young lady across from me, I could tell when she became uncomfortable with the people around her, when she was thinking about her personal life -- good things I think -- and when she seemed to be more at ease. Fascinating stuff!!! Just don't be obvious and leer at people. That may be what made her uncomfortable in the first place. :-o

Anyways, I am intrigued by what you have written, and I would LOVE to read more. Keep it up!

 

I like your idea but most of my problems are with your word choice and general diction. The story is told in a voice a little too heavy handed for my taste.

I believe "her" should be deleted.

Your first 13 really gives me a sense of what the story is about. That's good because I know what I'm getting myself into as a reader. The bad thing is I don't particularly want to read a story about an assassin, as wbriggs mentioned above.

But, I'll read it anyway! Go ahead and email it to me!
 

quote:

---

Any minute, her mentor, Julivel would arrive and hand her the name of the person she had to kill to pass her the last test she would ever have to take.

---

That sentence had me stopping to re-read it a couple of times. I felt that it could be done a bit better and offer an example below.

While your opening does have some intrigue to it I would rather have more flowing description of your Mains mood. She is after all sitting alone in a shadowy room waiting for someone she describes as having a "snide, but amicable attitude."

13 lines may be the hook for 'selling' a story to a reader but don't sacrifice description of what your Main is thinking/feeling/showing in your storytelling.

Best,

Nevyan

--
At any minute her mentor, Julivel, would arrive handing her a scrap of parchment with the name of the person she must kill scrawled on it in spidery writing. This mission would be the last test she would be required to pass.
--

I do have to question how the writing she hadn't seen yet could be described as spidery...but that sentence certainly needs to be reworked and thanks for pointing it out.