Observe as the main character awakens from cryo sleep. It has acually been changed quite a bit from the original try. --- Treadway was looking at a mirror,surrounded by dust and refracted light, but it wasn't him looking back. "THAT ISN'T ME!" He punched and shattered the mirror. The fragments started to fall to the ground, but then crawled to a halt in slow motion and traced their way back to their place in the mirror, displaying a young man with blood covering his outreached and shaking hands. "And since you know you cannot see yourself, so well as by reflection, I, your glass, will modestly discover to yourself, that of yourself which you yet know not of." a tranquil voice reverberated in his mind. False. Sham. Mimicry. The words pounded his mind and he screamed. A bright light and the sound of steam being released engulfed him. Brighter...
--- input appreciated.
[This message has been edited by Tragic3 (edited December 16, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 17, 2005).]
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Uh-oh, you said "dream". Bad idea. Just leave those first to sentences off. And go with sentence #3.
quote:He punched and broke the mirror.
It might be easier to picture if you said something like: "He punched the mirror and it shattered."
Unfortunately I'm still a little lost, though. But that could just be me.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited December 16, 2005).]
Posted by Tragic3 (Member # 3072) on :
Yes, I can definetly see anyone reading this as being a little lost. The main theme i'm trying to display here is that he isn't who he seems or is pretending to be. And that his subconcious is making him feel guilty and face it.
Anyways, I realize good writing does not need to be explained like that. So i will continue to revise. Thanks!
Posted by keldon02 (Member # 2398) on :
This is an interesting concept but I think I'd be more comfortable reading the second paragraph first. I'd rather get a grasp of who he is before I see who he is not.
Good graphic visualization. Are your putting in the redundancy for poetic effect?
Posted by MidnightWolf_ofClan_Zero (Member # 3074) on :
ooooooooookkkkkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyyy. So... where did I get lost...?
Posted by Nevyan (Member # 3093) on :
quote:He punched and shattered the mirror.
Try this instead:
His clenched hand lashed out at the mirror shattering it's lies.
Good concept. Be liberal with your description, avoid common words like punched, kicked, talked. Use synonyms with a little flare.
"His leg flared outward catching his opponent in the chest."
"She thrashed his sense of propriety with her verbal assault. The words piercing his esteem like a flight of arrows loosed from an army."
quote:"And since you know you cannot see yourself, so well as by reflection, I, your glass, will modestly discover to yourself, that of yourself which you yet know not of." a tranquil voice reverberated in his mind.
This reminds me of John C. Wright. Excellent.
I would say you have me caught up in what happens next.