Hey guys, Sorry to burden you with another first 13. This is the first thirteen of a Spec. Y.A. novel. Well, I have posted another first thirteen for this piece a while ago but I wanted to be up-front with the MC's situation. I am not sure if it works. Please ignore punctuation errors unless it is a real corker.
quote:
When Robby Inkwell’s father died, everyone said that everything would be okay--but it wasn’t. At first, his mum had stuck all the bills on the fridge as they arrived but stopped doing that when she couldn’t keep up. She took extra shifts at the hospital but it didn’t help much and they had to move from their comfortable house in Oak Hill to a damp two bedroom flat in Brickersley. At least we have a fireplace, thought Robby as he sat watching the flames. It was midnight and Mum would be home soon. He would have to be in bed before she arrived. If she discovered he still couldn’t sleep she would take him back to the shrink.
Go on, let me have it... *wince*
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited December 13, 2005).]
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
I like everything until you throw in the shrink.
Introduce the mother's worry a sentence or so before you say "back to the shrink" and I'll accept the implicit statement that worries = shrink visit.
Posted by Inkwell (Member # 1944) on :
I like it. The last sentence, where you mention the 'shrink'...for me, that was the actual hook. It made me wonder why he can't sleep at night. The fact that his 'mum' takes him to a shrink indicates that this is also a recurring phenomenon.
I tend to subconsciously analyze stories as I read them, so subtle things like this make me even more interested than usual. I'm not sure if young adults will pick up on such intricacies, though I suppose the youth culture is getting older, faster. But then, you're the one writing Y.A. fiction. I have no idea what such books are like nowadays. Anyway, enough blathering...I very much liked the intro, and would be willing to read on if/when the piece is ready.
BTW...I know Robby Inkwell. He's my father's brother's nephew's cousin's former room-mate.
Inkwell ----------------- "The difference between a writer and someone who says they want to write is merely the width of a postage stamp." -Anonymous
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Sounds like a good start to me.
I'll assume the pshrink will be paid by Medicaid.
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
I agree with Inkwell the shrink part is the hook. Just make sure you say something like "Mum will be worried again if i'm not in bed"
[This message has been edited by Matt Lust (edited December 13, 2005).]
Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :
I like it. Of course, he knows why he can't sleep, so I hope it's not too much of a mystery going forward from there. I think I'd keep reading.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
It's funny because upon my first read I had the exact same reaction as Matt; I liked it a lot until the shrink. For some reason that threw me, actually the word shrink felt wrong. For whatever reason I felt the POV was more of an adult tone so it didn't ring true. Upon rereading it, if the word was different, say Doctor or something similarly formal, it also could beg the question if it were a physical or mental ailment which was keeping Robby awake...although I suppose that's a stretch. Plus that could be offbase for the tone you are intending since it's YA.
Overall, its still a good lead in and I would certainly read further.
Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :
I like it, I don't have a bit of commentary for improvment. This usually happens when I percieve the author to be much better than me, so therefor I can't very well go telling them how to fix it, now can I?
Good Job
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I like this intro a lot better than the one you posted a bit ago. Much cleaner, and to the point. I don't mind the introduction of the shrink. I think this first 13 is working.
Posted by TL 601 (Member # 2730) on :
I didn't read the other version, but this.. This is quite good, I think. Shrink included. I'd buy the book based on this beginning because as a reader, I'd feel confident that the writer knows what he's doing and I'm already interested in and sympathetic to your MC. I wouldn't be expecting it to be very "genre" though.
Not sure why not.
Posted by pmcalduff (Member # 2963) on :
I liked it it definitely got my interest. However I found this transition to be slightly jarring: ... two bedroom flat in Brickersley. At least we have a fireplace, ...
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Thanks everyone who responded. It was encouraging.
TL 601 hit on something struck a chord. I am worried that there is little clue that this is a speculative fiction piece. So I will now work on getting those sort of cues in as soon as possible.
Cheers.
Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :
Well, I really like it. I'd read more.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
It's a novel. You really don't need to go that quickly into showing it's spec fic. You have the whole of the first chapter to do that. I think it's fine as is.
Posted by sry (Member # 3052) on :
I like it. I'm hooked. The word "shrink" doesn't work for me (like Matt and Omakase) but it's not "out of voice" enough to jolt me...it's definitely not the same diction until that point. You could reword the last sentence a million ways, here's my take:
quote: If he got caught staying up late again, it'd be back to the shrink with Robby.
I feel that sort of retains the right diction/tone of voice without entirely losing your thought. I didn't get the sense you were really into emphasizing Mum as much as Robby, eh? If true, stop trying to rewrite that to talk about Mum's feelings and keep it in Robby's POV.
