I've just started a modern fantasy piece. The first chapter is almost done, I think.
Here's the first 13:
I checked the angle on the webcam and the microphone same as I had every evening for the last two years. On the computer screen I saw myself in front of my desk, my car through the window in the driveway, my atomic clock on the wall (updates automatically), and CNN muted on the TV below that. Everything was ready, same as always, except for maybe me. I went ahead and started anyway. I held up today's newspaper so its headlines and date were visible. "It's December first, two thousand five."
Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :
I like the title and the opening. From the first 13, I'm anticipating a lucid dream. I'd like to read the rest if you need a critique.
Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :
It looks good to me. Even though it's a novel, it gets me interested enough to keep reading from there. I didn't notice any problems, but I did like the voice and the slight tension that something mihgt be different about this time.
Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :
I didn't think lucid dream, I thought "geek/nerd with his own website and video blog." Probably likes to talk politics or government cover-ups. Anyway, the setting details were just right to keep me interested and still help me get to know your character.
All in all, I give this 13 two thumbs up.
Posted by zetars (Member # 2956) on :
It is very inrigueing (sp?), and I like the beginning, but I don't really feel that I get much of the story out of it.
HTH (Hope this helps)
Just my oppinion.
Posted by Gnomeinclaychair (Member # 2926) on :
Thanks for the comments. If anybody wants to look at (what I think might be) a draft of the first chapter let me know. It's only 825 words.
Posted by MG (Member # 2938) on :
I think it's great. Simple as that
Like lehollis said, you made me feel tense, something is about to happen...Something's not right.
Hmmm...I need to see that first chapter, I need to know. If you're still looking for a pair of reading eyes, send those 800+ words my way.
MG
Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :
This is a very good beginning, IMO. Just like MG, I was dying to know what was next. Why isn't he/she ready? What's going on here? Great.
However, after reading it several times I finally figured out what was bugging me. It's this:
quote:I held up today's newspaper...
There is a direct tense violation here. If this is all happening in the past tense, (checked, had, saw, was, went, started, held, were), then it can't be today's newspaper. (Unless this is a sci-fi story that messes with time, in which case I'll shut up now.) To a lesser degree, I had the same issue with the atomic clock. This is all in the past tense, but you say it updates automatically.
Anyway, that's my 2c. If I weren't so busy at the moment, I'd offer to read. Maybe in a couple of weeks?
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited December 05, 2005).]
Posted by Calligrapher (Member # 2985) on :
I just sent the critique. Let me know if it helps.
Posted by sojoyful (Member # 2997) on :
I got your email (rescued it from the spam filter!). I won't be able to focus on it for a week or two (as you mentioned), but I did read through it quickly while taking a break from work.
Wow. Folks, I highly recommend it.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
A novel is difficult to judge from a mere 13 lines when you consider I'll give it as many as 50 pages to hook me. That said, I just haven't read enough to know whether I'm hooked or not. the only thing that got my attention was holding up the newspaper to show the date. It's potentially a good start, but a lot depends on where you go from here.
Posted by apeiron (Member # 2565) on :
quote:To a lesser degree, I had the same issue with the atomic clock. This is all in the past tense, but you say it updates automatically.
I agree about the newspaper, but I think the clock sentence is fine, so long as the clock still exists at the end of the story.
Posted by Leigh (Member # 2901) on :
It hooked me, possibly because there is something up. I can't see anything wrong with it at all. Great job!
I'd also be happy to read the 1st chapter, but nothing more than 2500 words as I don't really have that much time on the computer nowadays. Send it too rockykixass@hotmail.com
Posted by Gnomeinclaychair (Member # 2926) on :
Thanks everybody!
I'm reasonably sure the clock survives. I haven't made up my mind yet.
The first tiny chapter is only 825 words, if I remember right. I'm currently at work on the 2nd chapter.
Posted by nimnix (Member # 2937) on :
I have no problem with the newspaper. Newspapers come early in the morning. The story could finish before the end of day, in which case it would be past tense, but still today.
Interesting beginning. I like it. The beginning makes it feel like a story that happened quickly (possibly because you're using past tense with today's newspaper).
