Is it too much to ask for? Of course I'd be willing to return the service to anyone interested.
The genre is - well.. to be honest I don't really know. It's set in 2036 and to a large part in a digital 3D internet-based world but it is NOT cyberpunk. It's more aimed at the mainstream reader getting a bit apprehensive about what the near future has in store. A little bit like Jurassic Park in that respect.
Anyway, here are the first thirteen lines. If anyone would be intersted in readin more please let me know.
//Goran
“Watch out!” a voice shouted behind Alex’ back, making him instinctively press him-self against the wall. Instants later there was a massive, crashing impact a few yards out in the alley. Burning timbers danced on the cobblestones, sending sparks up in the air to be carried away by the wind up into the dark sky. Hiding close to one of the walls of a patrician villa it seemed for a moment that the mad cackling laughter of Nero could be heard coming from the flat roof above them. But it had to be an illusion. While his servants and soldiers set the city ablaze with the help of burning pitch, the emperor had left central Rome for the safety of a palace with a satis-fying view of the capital from its main tower.
Alex stepped away from the wall and raised his eyes. A large ...
Refocus from the PoV of the MC.
Look at the first sentence - behind Alex' back - back is implied already since it's behind him. The same with massive crashing impact, redundant wording, like "carried by the wind up into the sky"... leaving out "up" (even both times in this sentence) doesn't change the meaning at all.
I think it will flow a little better. I agree with Pantros about the somewhat omniscient (the way it's presented) exposition.
Two words stood out for me: Him-self and satis-fying. Neither have a - in them. Himself and satisfying are one word. Maybe spellchecker could be used for it.
Alex' -- should be Alex's.
Instants later -- should be "An instant later"
Capital means assets, money, headquarters.
Capitol refers specifically to the temple of Jupiter in ancient Rome on the Capitoline Hill. It's where the USA get the term for Capitol Hill in Washington D.C. I'm guessing since you are referencing ancient Rome, you would be more accurate to use Capitol instead of capital.
>>Instants later there was a massive, crashing impact a few yards out in the alley.<<
A massive impact is the action of one object striking another. It might even leave a crater. Or make a crashing sound. If your POV character cannot see what made the sound, he won't know that it was "a few yards out", which means you have a slight POV violation. You might rephrase this to say: "An instant later, he heard a loud crash in the alley."
>>Burning timbers danced on the cobblestones, sending sparks up in the air to be carried away by the wind up into the dark sky.<<
Burning timbers don't dance. Water dropped on a hot grill dances. Sparks dance. Burning timbers are generally heavy enough that they stay put. If they are dancing, you have bigger problems at hand, because that means the entire building is in the process of falling down. You might consider rephrasing something like this: "Burning timbers released a shower of sparks where they danced on the wind, upward, into the night sky."
Hope this helps.
Also, there are too many adjectives. For example, "massive, crashing impact". You just need one.
By the way, 260,000 words? I'm impressed! That takes *counting on fingers* way too may hours!!! Good luck with it.
quote:
“Watch out!” a voice shouted...
Voices can't shout. People can.
quote:
making him instinctively press him-self against the wall
How can a voice make him do something to himself? You have removed him completely from his own action. Why not just say "he pressed himself against the wall"? You don't have to say 'instinctively' because it's pretty darn obvious that he's doing it in response to the anthropomorphized shouting voice.
quote:
While his servants and soldiers set the city ablaze with the help of burning pitch, the emperor had left central Rome for the safety of a palace with a satis-fying view of the capital from its main tower.
You switch tenses in here. You go from "something happened" to "something had happened".
There are way too many unrelated things going on in this paragraph. I say unrelated because you never pick a focus. We are with (1)Alex, then we move over to (2)the timbers and spend an inordinate amount of time with them, then we switch to (3)the rooftop and the potential presence of (4)Nero, then to (5)the solders throughout the city, then to (6)the emperor fleeing Rome, then to (7)a palace in a totally different place, then zooming in to (8)a tower.
Pick one thing to focus on, and stay with it. Then, only say things that could be known within that focus.
Edit to say:
Elan, I laughed hard for about 5 minutes straight at this: "Burning timbers don't dance. Water dropped on a hot grill dances. Sparks dance. Burning timbers are generally heavy enough that they stay put. If they are dancing, you have bigger problems at hand..."
Goran Kilbo, I wasn't laughing at you. Far from it. I just thought that the way Elan phrased that was really funny.
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited November 29, 2005).]
I can agree with most of the comments that have already been posted, and I am not sure I have a quick answer for you of how to fix the problem. I will chalk it up to translation for now. If I am wrong, let me know. I have been wrong before, and I am sure this won't be the last time. Since I am unilingual, perhaps there is someone here who can make a suggestion or two that would help you with the translation issue. Anyone?
I can say that I think when you said "timbers" that you might have meant "embers". As in "burning embers". Is that correct? I think those might do some dancing, in fact I think I have seen them behave in that manner a time or two.
You do need to cut back on the adjectives. In most instances, one or none will do.
As far as having this 260,000 word count, that is way too much for one novel. I would suggest that you take a look at what you have so far and break it into 2 or 3 separate books and start a series.
Other than that, I say good luck! With a fair amount of clean up, you could have something here.
[This message has been edited by TruHero (edited November 29, 2005).]
Best of luck!