thanks for all you feedback on my rather flowery piece of prose, I'm currently revising the whole piece, your comments would be much appreciated.
Here goes:
‘We lost a second probe today,’ Doctor Grinspoon reported miserably to his superior, wondering if the atmosphere outside the capsule was any less hostile. The ominous silence on the other end of the line was much worse than the flurry of four letter filth he’d been expecting. The fifty-two light year gap between his current position and High London in Low Earth Orbit did nothing to dampen the angry vibes pouring through the nLAN link. Carl Mckinney, the VP of Exotech Industries, or as Mitch called him, the Dark Lord of Finance, wasn’t known so much for his understanding nature towards costly mishaps as he was for displaying the heads of those that failed him on stakes outside his office. The Doc was painfully aware that at thirty two million dollars
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 25, 2005).]
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
For an opening this reads a bit forced. It starts with an intriguing lead-in of dialogue, but there is no follow up, just exposition about another character. Through some additional dialogue this second character could be developed rather than just telling the reader about him.
Regarding the character naming I would be careful not to switch too often -- Doctor Grinspoon, Mitch and The Doc are all used here in a short section. It makes the reader work harder.
Lastly, grammar check... loosing (losing) would of (have) and inconsistency on currency (dollar/pound).
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Grinspoon, as a name, sounds like a functionary rather than adventurer -- and the role seems to fit this.
What's the story about? I imagined, in the previous thread, it was about the planet's weirdness. That would interest me, and that's what I wanted to know about. But you don't tell us; we go immediately to something about a functionary getting in trouble with his superiors, and I keep thinking: what went wrong with the probe?
If your story's about bureaucracy, fine, but you may want to exaggerate it. For whatever reason, I'm not hooked here.
Posted by Kickle (Member # 1934) on :
I hate to say this, but I preferred the last version. That version had a tone and voice that sounded unique and drew me into the story. It sounded like you enjoyed writing it. Many writers concider the first paragraph of a story free. You can use that paragraph to pull the reader in with the discription of the setting, background or in this case to elude to a theory ( I think that is part of what you were doing).But it needs to be clear, interesting and set the tone of the story. Try rewriting the original version by cutting some of the adjectives and clarify each sentence. Try playing with when you intoduce your POV -- such as in the first sentence or in the second paragraph where your hook is. I tend to prefer earth based sciences, but your discriptions were interesting and understandable to me.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited November 25, 2005).]
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I agree with Kickle. I much preferred the first version because you were saying what you wanted to say. Now, you seem to be writing to please the critiquers.
Posted by Jakare (Member # 2960) on :
Be true to yourself. It is important to listen and take everyone's advice, but use their advice only to augment your sense of writing style. We each could have the same plot line, charachter descriptions, etc. and we would all still come up with a different way to write it. You can never please everyone all the time. Listen and if possible put it aside, and come back to it. Then critique it yourself, using some of the advice that others have given you.
If you are looking for someone to look over the whole story, I am interested.
Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :
Grinspoon has too much attachment to the band for me. It's a cool band, but the reference threw me.
I liked the last version yo posted, and said so in that thread. This one is good too, but putting the 'We lost a second probe today' into dialogue wrenched the POV out of first person to third. Is that what you wanted?
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I don't have a strong sense of POV in this. The character is missing because (as everyone else already said) the writing is forced. How does your character think? Would he really think like you've written? It's that you have to establish here.